I commented earlier about "ghosting" being my primary coping strategy. Not staying away from all of my relatives (most of whom are good people) but avoiding any gatherings that might include the ones who have joined the MAGA cult. Yesterday, with some trepidation, I attended a gathering that included one MAGA cousin (who doesn't live near the rest of us but who had chosen to make the trip.) I hadn't realized how upsetting it would be, even though he stayed on "good behavior" and didn't say anything evil. He hugged me hello and goodbye. I didn't want to hug him but I didn't feel that I could refuse with lots of people watching. I avoided him (between the hellos and goodbyes) the entire time. I hadn't seen him in ten years and I didn't want to. I couldn't ignore the elephant in the room. That this cousin and the people like him are the reason I've been living in fear and horrible grief, trying to figure out whether (and, if so, how) to leave the country. I couldn't normalize it the way the others appeared to be doing. And now here I am, still processing...
This is exactly what is going on. This country may yet reach violence—even to scope of open, armed conflict—but we are already witness to the house divided against itself. And it cannot stand.
I have been quiet-quitting society for years now. I have withdrawn to the safety and security of chosen family and community. I don't know if that's good or bad; all I know is that it is necessary.
Sadly, I fear this is so. Communication has suffered a severe blow in these recent times and it has taken a severe toll on families. It is somewhat comforting to know that this phenomenon is universal to an extent. I’m fairly successful in avoiding any controversial topics with those I truly care about despite opposing views. So many things are affecting our ability to truly connect with others, social media being one of the most toxic. But also, the tone and immorality coming from the top are, I believe, the gravest assault on our humanity. We must find a way to remove the rot!
It was as if you reached into the very crevices of my heart and soul, pulled at the strings of my thoughts and pain, and put them to words in your post today.
You are truly a gifted and remarkable writer, and I give thanks every day that you are on the “front lines” with us. Your words guide, encourage, protect and offer healing and hope to those who most need it.
Most days we grieve that we live in such a shameful nation, and the angst and shame at admitting we are “Americans” is palpable. But some days, we find the strength to hold our heads up higher, as we relate to and believe in the words your share.
We are a hungry nation. Ripped of rationale, we eagerly consume the thoughts of those who think like us, who hurt like us, who act like us, who help to replenish our fading hope.
From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for every sleepless moment you struggle to find the words first to express our pain, and then to remind us there is light, if we choose to reach for it.
...And, by the way, it is not "phoney civility," but "good manners" that keeps us half decent. You know that full well, and for which reason, also, let me much commend the work and willingness it takes to share your thoughts with us
Heartbreaking truth, John. In the past ten years, I have severed many ties, not willing to be unauthentic and thus enable creeping fascism. And the "we don't talk politics or religion" line is increasingly noxious because what else is worth discussing?
It seems pointless to argue with people you know who have already made up their minds about everything. At Thanksgiving there was the whole vaccine discussion again, how Dr. So and So says the vaccine is what’s causing long COVID and a host of other illnesses and how all vaccines are dangerous and unnecessary and other doctors shouldn’t be trusted. The bad seeds have been planted, and they keep multiplying. News sources are all disregarded, and minds are calcified. Evangelical Christianity is glorified. Our supreme leader is respected and admired. There’s no changing that, as I see it, so I’ve given up. Not worth raising my voice or my blood pressure. All I can do is vote and not buy into their delusions.
Could not agree more that the “prolonged silence may be far more deadly. It will be the quiet attrition of intimacy that we will grieve the most.”
Have already experienced this with family and good friends, that at a time could be considered as even closer than family. It’s a number of feelings that are similar to going through the 7 stages of grief when someone passes this life. However, these individuals are still alive and often for family the sitting through the absurdity that comes out of their mouths is unbearable. Also, that pit in your stomach that there’s so much bigotry, prejudices and hate and was totally unaware of this trait, behavior and characteristics in the past in our millions of interactions. The questioning of yourself as to how blind and naive was I or did they acquire this recently? Which is highly doubtful.
At one point when he was in office the first time pushed back on how vile he was then, even before Covid. But it fell on deaf ears then and it definitely didn’t change when they voted for him in 2024 even after they said how awful January 6th, 2021 was.
They have a deep seated rot within them and still to this day feel sorry for them. Will not loose my empathy, sympathy, compassion or humanity for anyone or anything. Have taken measures to excuse myself from discussions, or even in the room when the situation warrants it. Have the ability to tune out and escape into a better place mentally just for those coping mechanisms to keeping sane.
In a round about way this eye-opening experience is a gift to see who people really are even when they are family and/or friends. The masks have been taken off and there’s no way to place them back on until they decide different on their own journey of what it means to be a member of society and have humanity.
This one resonated deeply. Family, friends, people have really shown who they are. It is shocking and sad. The betrayal that I, and many others, feel is real and heartbreaking.
I gave up on my so-called birth parents after a massive fight after President Obama was elected. The trolls, as racist as the day is long, and as MAGA as anyone save Felon 47, asked me if our finances were better off under Obama than GWB. I said, HELL NO -- MUCH worse from GWB, as our stocks, IRAs, and 529 accounts for our children's college fund had tanked and lost 5 figures. After that, the matriarch abused my teenage son on "vacation," causing him to call me from across the country, BEGGING me to get him out of there. We did, and I was finished with their hatred. One doesn't abuse my children without Momma Bear coming out, roaring.
That led me to review the life-long gaslighting that I was too naive to realize was going on. Tried three times to reconnect -- only to disengage again -- the last time after said "parental unit" tried to extort my 18 old niece for funeral expenses and rental fees for the estranged brother (her father), 2 1/2 years ago. I was notified of his death by their "pastor." They lost every life-long friendship, save one, due to their entitled, hateful attitude.
When the patriarch died several months ago, nobody bothered to notify me. That's OK -- God/Karma had plans, and I was able to connect with the patriarch on his death bed, telling him I loved and forgave him (for MY peace of mind). Fittingly, a lovely BLACK nurse held the phone to his ear. Of all ironies...a racist being cared for by a person of color at the end of life.
It took massive amounts of time for me to process the narcissistic, borderline personality that was the matriarch, along with the abusive patriarch from my youth. She tried to destroy my relationship with my in-laws due to jealousy. But 16 years later, I stand in proud support of my family, ALL people, and have overcome a lifetime of their hatred.
You could not pay me enough to ever speak to that "person" again. Would have loved to stand by and see his "life review" at the end. Hers will be worse.
It's so sad. You are right. Associates i worked with, felt kinship with, told me my way of sering the world was wrong. I got tired of having my kindness and mercy for others mocked. It was just easier to walk away with pain and tears and sadness. How can you talk to those who wont listen?
I am with you generally, but sometimes think you are too tempted by disillusion and even too much of despair. Yes, there is a tragic bit of killing, but no Shiloh and none in the offing. I like your "cold war" analogy. But let me ask you, if we are so torn as you think, why this Thanksgiving have all records been broken by people making the hard and costly trips to try to embrace each other and give thanks for a turkey leg? And, by the way
I wish you were wrong but I know that you are not. Even if this evil and incompetent administration is eventually defeated, something that is not guaranteed by their efforts to influence our voting rights and systems, what happens next? Do the MAGA people who drank the red Kool-Aid see the light and both sides start calmly talking to each other again? Sadly, I don't think that will happen. At best, I think they will go underground and continue to watch Fox news and continue to recirculate their grievances, whatever they might be, waiting for their next opportunity to destroy the country, i.e., remake into their own image.
I commented earlier about "ghosting" being my primary coping strategy. Not staying away from all of my relatives (most of whom are good people) but avoiding any gatherings that might include the ones who have joined the MAGA cult. Yesterday, with some trepidation, I attended a gathering that included one MAGA cousin (who doesn't live near the rest of us but who had chosen to make the trip.) I hadn't realized how upsetting it would be, even though he stayed on "good behavior" and didn't say anything evil. He hugged me hello and goodbye. I didn't want to hug him but I didn't feel that I could refuse with lots of people watching. I avoided him (between the hellos and goodbyes) the entire time. I hadn't seen him in ten years and I didn't want to. I couldn't ignore the elephant in the room. That this cousin and the people like him are the reason I've been living in fear and horrible grief, trying to figure out whether (and, if so, how) to leave the country. I couldn't normalize it the way the others appeared to be doing. And now here I am, still processing...
This is exactly what is going on. This country may yet reach violence—even to scope of open, armed conflict—but we are already witness to the house divided against itself. And it cannot stand.
I have been quiet-quitting society for years now. I have withdrawn to the safety and security of chosen family and community. I don't know if that's good or bad; all I know is that it is necessary.
Sadly, I fear this is so. Communication has suffered a severe blow in these recent times and it has taken a severe toll on families. It is somewhat comforting to know that this phenomenon is universal to an extent. I’m fairly successful in avoiding any controversial topics with those I truly care about despite opposing views. So many things are affecting our ability to truly connect with others, social media being one of the most toxic. But also, the tone and immorality coming from the top are, I believe, the gravest assault on our humanity. We must find a way to remove the rot!
It was as if you reached into the very crevices of my heart and soul, pulled at the strings of my thoughts and pain, and put them to words in your post today.
You are truly a gifted and remarkable writer, and I give thanks every day that you are on the “front lines” with us. Your words guide, encourage, protect and offer healing and hope to those who most need it.
Most days we grieve that we live in such a shameful nation, and the angst and shame at admitting we are “Americans” is palpable. But some days, we find the strength to hold our heads up higher, as we relate to and believe in the words your share.
We are a hungry nation. Ripped of rationale, we eagerly consume the thoughts of those who think like us, who hurt like us, who act like us, who help to replenish our fading hope.
From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for every sleepless moment you struggle to find the words first to express our pain, and then to remind us there is light, if we choose to reach for it.
...And, by the way, it is not "phoney civility," but "good manners" that keeps us half decent. You know that full well, and for which reason, also, let me much commend the work and willingness it takes to share your thoughts with us
I've been calling this a "cold civil war" for years.
Heartbreaking truth, John. In the past ten years, I have severed many ties, not willing to be unauthentic and thus enable creeping fascism. And the "we don't talk politics or religion" line is increasingly noxious because what else is worth discussing?
It seems pointless to argue with people you know who have already made up their minds about everything. At Thanksgiving there was the whole vaccine discussion again, how Dr. So and So says the vaccine is what’s causing long COVID and a host of other illnesses and how all vaccines are dangerous and unnecessary and other doctors shouldn’t be trusted. The bad seeds have been planted, and they keep multiplying. News sources are all disregarded, and minds are calcified. Evangelical Christianity is glorified. Our supreme leader is respected and admired. There’s no changing that, as I see it, so I’ve given up. Not worth raising my voice or my blood pressure. All I can do is vote and not buy into their delusions.
Could not agree more that the “prolonged silence may be far more deadly. It will be the quiet attrition of intimacy that we will grieve the most.”
Have already experienced this with family and good friends, that at a time could be considered as even closer than family. It’s a number of feelings that are similar to going through the 7 stages of grief when someone passes this life. However, these individuals are still alive and often for family the sitting through the absurdity that comes out of their mouths is unbearable. Also, that pit in your stomach that there’s so much bigotry, prejudices and hate and was totally unaware of this trait, behavior and characteristics in the past in our millions of interactions. The questioning of yourself as to how blind and naive was I or did they acquire this recently? Which is highly doubtful.
At one point when he was in office the first time pushed back on how vile he was then, even before Covid. But it fell on deaf ears then and it definitely didn’t change when they voted for him in 2024 even after they said how awful January 6th, 2021 was.
They have a deep seated rot within them and still to this day feel sorry for them. Will not loose my empathy, sympathy, compassion or humanity for anyone or anything. Have taken measures to excuse myself from discussions, or even in the room when the situation warrants it. Have the ability to tune out and escape into a better place mentally just for those coping mechanisms to keeping sane.
In a round about way this eye-opening experience is a gift to see who people really are even when they are family and/or friends. The masks have been taken off and there’s no way to place them back on until they decide different on their own journey of what it means to be a member of society and have humanity.
This one resonated deeply. Family, friends, people have really shown who they are. It is shocking and sad. The betrayal that I, and many others, feel is real and heartbreaking.
You did it again by explaining so well my feelings. These last years have brought me to Scripture in a new way, to the God who was, is and will be.
I gave up on my so-called birth parents after a massive fight after President Obama was elected. The trolls, as racist as the day is long, and as MAGA as anyone save Felon 47, asked me if our finances were better off under Obama than GWB. I said, HELL NO -- MUCH worse from GWB, as our stocks, IRAs, and 529 accounts for our children's college fund had tanked and lost 5 figures. After that, the matriarch abused my teenage son on "vacation," causing him to call me from across the country, BEGGING me to get him out of there. We did, and I was finished with their hatred. One doesn't abuse my children without Momma Bear coming out, roaring.
That led me to review the life-long gaslighting that I was too naive to realize was going on. Tried three times to reconnect -- only to disengage again -- the last time after said "parental unit" tried to extort my 18 old niece for funeral expenses and rental fees for the estranged brother (her father), 2 1/2 years ago. I was notified of his death by their "pastor." They lost every life-long friendship, save one, due to their entitled, hateful attitude.
When the patriarch died several months ago, nobody bothered to notify me. That's OK -- God/Karma had plans, and I was able to connect with the patriarch on his death bed, telling him I loved and forgave him (for MY peace of mind). Fittingly, a lovely BLACK nurse held the phone to his ear. Of all ironies...a racist being cared for by a person of color at the end of life.
It took massive amounts of time for me to process the narcissistic, borderline personality that was the matriarch, along with the abusive patriarch from my youth. She tried to destroy my relationship with my in-laws due to jealousy. But 16 years later, I stand in proud support of my family, ALL people, and have overcome a lifetime of their hatred.
You could not pay me enough to ever speak to that "person" again. Would have loved to stand by and see his "life review" at the end. Hers will be worse.
It's so sad. You are right. Associates i worked with, felt kinship with, told me my way of sering the world was wrong. I got tired of having my kindness and mercy for others mocked. It was just easier to walk away with pain and tears and sadness. How can you talk to those who wont listen?
I am with you generally, but sometimes think you are too tempted by disillusion and even too much of despair. Yes, there is a tragic bit of killing, but no Shiloh and none in the offing. I like your "cold war" analogy. But let me ask you, if we are so torn as you think, why this Thanksgiving have all records been broken by people making the hard and costly trips to try to embrace each other and give thanks for a turkey leg? And, by the way
What an insightful essay…thank you.
I wish you were wrong but I know that you are not. Even if this evil and incompetent administration is eventually defeated, something that is not guaranteed by their efforts to influence our voting rights and systems, what happens next? Do the MAGA people who drank the red Kool-Aid see the light and both sides start calmly talking to each other again? Sadly, I don't think that will happen. At best, I think they will go underground and continue to watch Fox news and continue to recirculate their grievances, whatever they might be, waiting for their next opportunity to destroy the country, i.e., remake into their own image.