Dear Concerned Friend, You're F*ckin' Right I'm Angry. I Wish You Were.
Dear Concerned Friend,
Thank you for your kind note to let me know you're worried about me, for asking whether or not I realize I'm coming across as angry lately.
Your assessment is correct and yes, I do realize it.
I am angry.
I'm sorry but I’m not sorry for that.
I can imagine I'm not all that fun to be around right now, and that from time to time my words may come across as combative or abrasive or unhelpful. I'm probably more than a bit of a downer lately and I apologize.
You're going to have to bear with me, as I haven't been sleeping well for a bit. Admittedly, I'm not at my best these days, so please forgive me because I'm chronically overtired. I'm exhausted from having to give all the sh*ts about people that you're supposed to be giving, along with my own.
I'm worn out from keeping up on legislation and watching hearings and staying on top of details and remembering deadlines and imploring action, while you go about your day as if such things are an annoyance, as if they are a disruption to your plan, as if the expiration date for my outrage should have long ago passed.
I am absolutely burnt-out from trying to make my voice loud enough to counteract not only the bad people's incredible volume but your deafening silence. Both of these things are doing similar damage right now, sadly.
Believe me, I understand that my activism is a problem for you. Please know that your inactivism is similarly problematic for me. It's part of the reason I am as angry as I am; because I'm not only having to fight against those who seem furiously bent on hurting people—I'm having to fight against those who don't seem give enough of a damn that they are doing so, to say anything.
Look, I get it, I really do. It's difficult to see so much bad news, to fully face the relentless flood of terrible, to try and wrap your brain around seemingly boundless cruelty around you. It's tiresome to spend so much time with a closed fist. I know it's even a pain in the rear end to endure the continual rantings of people like me on your news feed and in your timeline and across the dinner table and in the break room.
I'm tired of me, too.
I'm over the fight, as well.
I'm sick of the sound of my own voice.
I'd rather not be doing this either.
I'd much rather prefer to just enjoy life, to forget about it all, to only post pictures of puppies and my kids and to simply ignore all that "political stuff” that you ignore.
But that is what privilege looks like: to even believe I have such an option, to have the great luxury of living without urgency because I can seemingly shield myself from it all.
That is what the bad people are counting on. They're counting on good people being too tired, too apathetic, too selfish, or too oblivious to sustain their outrage. I am not going to give that gift to them.
As long as they're fully invested in putting people through hell, I'm going to be as invested in pushing back against it.
I think the people I love are worth it.
I think you and the people you love are worth it.
I think people I'll never meet are worth it.
And that's the rub here: love will often look a lot like rage as it fiercely fights on behalf of those who are being brutalized.
So yes, angry is not all that I am, but I am rightly and quite angry.
And it would be really helpful if we could carry the load of outrage right now.
That would actually be a source of rest and joy and breath for people like me.
Friend, if you really want me to be less angry, you might try being a little more angry yourself. We’re all in this together.
I am angry, concerned friend.
I wish you were angry too.
(By the way, if you are among the rightly angry, anger isn’t the goal, it’s the initial prompt. The task, after that, is to transform that anger into a small, measurable, local expression that pushes back against corrupt politics, advocates for marginalized people, and fills in the gaps of compassion and kindness that exist. Since you know the community where you live better than I do, better than anyone does, it’s your job to convert that anger into activism in the place you call home.)
Here's my heartfelt gift to you, John: I think you are right, and further, morally mandated to be angry. As a retired therapist I know there is a difference between righteous/justified anger and petty, vengeful anger in defense of false ego. If you read biographies of the heroes and saints we revere, you will see plenty of the former and little if any of the latter. That includes Jesus. He (and they) would never suggest we protect ourselves by denying the truth and cocooning in comfort while our ideals and our neighbors are ripped and slashed by greedy overlords. Just the opposite. Look at his words to the corrupt religious leaders and their imperialist Roman overlords. He DIED for telling the truth and standing up to power. We need to join hands and, if we are going to follow him, be willing to do the same. Gandhi, Martin Luther King, and others have done it, and you are doing it. Take enough care of yourself that you can keep on going. But please, keep on going.
Anger/rage is a powerful tool. It stirs us forward out of our inertia. Yet, sometimes, it fails us. Sometimes it moves from one target and bleeds into another. But this time, the focus is clear. Our anger, instead of pacifism, is the fuel that feeds us. Your voice has been especially helpful to me and I am forever grateful to you. Keep your anger but make sure you have time to appreciate some of the other feelings which give you comfort. Anger and love is a delicate cocktail. In this battle, and it is a battle, we need both desperately.