I wrote my obituary a few years ago. No particular reason, but it gave me an idea of who means what to me and how I wanted to recognize them. For instance, who is “beloved” and who isn’t?
I usually write that I’m lifelong Democrat.
I bring the obituary up every few years and revise it with births and deaths. And sometimes I change how I feel about family. I email the revised versions to my sons and tell them they better have the latest version in the paper
This one really touched a soft spot for me. Getting older is definitely not for the faint of heart. But leaving a heartfelt message for those we love when we are gone is a very worthy task. Thank you for shedding the light on those things that most of us purposely keep in the dark! 🥰👍
My friends and I have loving talks about leaving this life. We have playlists, photographs and eulogies planned. At the top of our lists: how much we loved this life.
Thanks for this essay, John. A good reminder that life is what you make of it. Of course there's a big difference between an obituary and a eulogy. I've written them both, many times, too many times, and given countless eulogies. I even wrote a stage play about the actual work that's involved in writing a eulogy. Believe it or not, it's a comedy.
Perhaps the strangest irony of my life is that much of my work in the legal profession involved working on death penalty cases. It's not an irony that I really even recognized until I read your piece and began to compose this comment.
I remember giving a eulogy one time for a judge I used to work with, and afterward one of his colleagues approached me to say "I hope I predecease you so that you can write my eulogy." To which I replied "What makes you think I'd say anything good about you?" We both had a good laugh about that, but I did end up doing exactly that a few years later. The hardest part was editing down the number of good things that I could think of to say about him.
I’ve long said that how we live our lives, who we love, what we do…is our true obituary and legacy. A few years ago, I was so moved when a friend’s son mentioned this while giving her eulogy…how my words, how I live my life, our friendship influenced her life. We each can and do make a difference in our world.
Each time someone makes us aware that we’ve made a difference in their life it’s like they’ve put a a little piece that was missing back into your soul.
So true. It’s heartwarming good for our souls to speak our feelings and thoughts…never simply “presume” the other person knows what their kindness or gesture means.
I am older, and having a lawyer rewrite our wills due to changing circumstances in our family. I am feeling nostalgic and worried about several things that are happening. I am going to use this as an opportunity to put my feelings into words. No matter what particular family members are experiencing, I want them to know that they are loved always and forever. When we are in the middle of the story, we forget that everything will be perfect in the end. Thank you so much for this.
Many years ago, long before my father became terminally ill, I wrote a "eulogy" to him for Father's Day, beginning something like "I want to tell YOU these things now instead of later to a roomful of family and friends". I framed it with a picture of myself. He kept it on his desk. Years later, when he did pass, I did read it at his funeral. But I was glad I had said those things to him while he was still living.
Truth, beautifully, compassionately expressed as usual, John!
Having just passed one week since participating in crafting the 💔farewell of a woman who was the truist sister-of-my-♥️ for 56 years, I am freshly reminded of the catharsis of grief attained through reflection.
The final words, the sharing of sorrow, joys and laughter are for soothing us, the bereft, beloved living, left behind.
Truly, a life well lived, explored, shared and openly embraced is the very best eulogy there could be……💔🌻🕊️
Totally agree, these words are for those of us left behind, but would be nice as Bridgitt mentioned below for people to hear these words while they are still alive!!
Having eulogized several wonderful people (my Mom, my sister, my brother and my dear husband), I think I touched the heart of who they were, what was their truth during their lives, including some of the heartbreaks, but my own? I can list what I've done, where I've been, but I am having a hard time writing out who I AM. I recall some years ago NPR had a segment called "This I Believe" and I wrote out a generalized paper then that is still true, but I don't know if it captures me. This is a challenge.
I suspect that the reason you find this challenging is because you have set for yourself a very high standard for evaluating the value of such a task. It is daunting. When people I am close to die, their spouses or close relatives or friends always seem a bit lost to me.
And so I tell them that people often say "if there's anything I can do, don't hesitate to ask." But they often say that 'cause they don't know what else to say. And then I tell them that one of the things I can do is write a eulogy. It seems like a weird facility to possess, but a welcome one for the many people who've asked me to do it.
There may be some validity to that, and also because what I have written (and delivered in funeral and memorial services) has been well received, even to the point of some saying to me after "that's what I'd want at MY funeral". It's sort of hard to beat something you've already done well, you know?
Indeed it is. I think one of the best pieces I've ever written was the eulogy for my step-father. But then there was another for my best friend who committed suicide, and another for my long time mentor, a few others for judges, co-workers, friends from theater, law, etc.
What I always try to remember is that it's not a contest, it's just my contribution.
Your last two sentences give me pause. Setting aside the shiny lure of perceived perfection, I would gladly hear your current statement of reflection, more true and enduring than one which is too assured to be honest.
Yes! I don't plan on having a funeral when I die. No obituary or eulogy. Just sprinkle me to the winds or compost me so I can feed the flowers, no speech needed. Let my actions be my legacy (good and bad) and, hopefully, learn from it.
A few years ago I had a health event that I almost didn't survive. After I was well enough, I thought to write my obituary at 50 years old. It gave me peace of mind, knowing that what I wanted to say, would be presented to everyone and my memorial.
How we live our lives *is* our eulogy. Our success and our failures, the way we've treated others--both those we love and those we choose to avoid; what we've stood for and against, the mistakes we've made (those we've acknowledged, those we've made amends for, and those we haven't owned up to). Don't get me wrong; a glowing eulogy is great. But our true eulogy lies in the way we lived our lives, no matter what the words say.
I wrote my obituary a few years ago. No particular reason, but it gave me an idea of who means what to me and how I wanted to recognize them. For instance, who is “beloved” and who isn’t?
I usually write that I’m lifelong Democrat.
I bring the obituary up every few years and revise it with births and deaths. And sometimes I change how I feel about family. I email the revised versions to my sons and tell them they better have the latest version in the paper
This one really touched a soft spot for me. Getting older is definitely not for the faint of heart. But leaving a heartfelt message for those we love when we are gone is a very worthy task. Thank you for shedding the light on those things that most of us purposely keep in the dark! 🥰👍
My friends and I have loving talks about leaving this life. We have playlists, photographs and eulogies planned. At the top of our lists: how much we loved this life.
Beautiful!
I really like this idea, because It works no matter what happens to your body. Thank you, and will reStack ASAP 🙏
Thanks for this essay, John. A good reminder that life is what you make of it. Of course there's a big difference between an obituary and a eulogy. I've written them both, many times, too many times, and given countless eulogies. I even wrote a stage play about the actual work that's involved in writing a eulogy. Believe it or not, it's a comedy.
Perhaps the strangest irony of my life is that much of my work in the legal profession involved working on death penalty cases. It's not an irony that I really even recognized until I read your piece and began to compose this comment.
I remember giving a eulogy one time for a judge I used to work with, and afterward one of his colleagues approached me to say "I hope I predecease you so that you can write my eulogy." To which I replied "What makes you think I'd say anything good about you?" We both had a good laugh about that, but I did end up doing exactly that a few years later. The hardest part was editing down the number of good things that I could think of to say about him.
Your comment made me both laugh (a comedy about writing a eulogy!) and cry (the hardest part was editing down…) Thank you.
I’ve long said that how we live our lives, who we love, what we do…is our true obituary and legacy. A few years ago, I was so moved when a friend’s son mentioned this while giving her eulogy…how my words, how I live my life, our friendship influenced her life. We each can and do make a difference in our world.
Each time someone makes us aware that we’ve made a difference in their life it’s like they’ve put a a little piece that was missing back into your soul.
So true. It’s heartwarming good for our souls to speak our feelings and thoughts…never simply “presume” the other person knows what their kindness or gesture means.
I am older, and having a lawyer rewrite our wills due to changing circumstances in our family. I am feeling nostalgic and worried about several things that are happening. I am going to use this as an opportunity to put my feelings into words. No matter what particular family members are experiencing, I want them to know that they are loved always and forever. When we are in the middle of the story, we forget that everything will be perfect in the end. Thank you so much for this.
Yes, everything will be perfect in the end. Hold onto that, as I do.
What a wonderful idea! I don’t think I can write my own at this time. I have a hard time thinking about the good things I’ve done.
I can write my husband’s though, he’ll never write it himself.
He’s a great man and has done wonderful work throughout his life overcoming impossible circumstances and poverty to be successful.
Thank you!
What a lovely tribute to your husband.
Many years ago, long before my father became terminally ill, I wrote a "eulogy" to him for Father's Day, beginning something like "I want to tell YOU these things now instead of later to a roomful of family and friends". I framed it with a picture of myself. He kept it on his desk. Years later, when he did pass, I did read it at his funeral. But I was glad I had said those things to him while he was still living.
You sing the truth dear John. Grateful for this remembrance to “write” our eulogies through how we live today 🙏🏽❤️
Beautiful words John. You are certainly writing a beautiful story of your own life during these very difficult moments. Thank you.
Truth, beautifully, compassionately expressed as usual, John!
Having just passed one week since participating in crafting the 💔farewell of a woman who was the truist sister-of-my-♥️ for 56 years, I am freshly reminded of the catharsis of grief attained through reflection.
The final words, the sharing of sorrow, joys and laughter are for soothing us, the bereft, beloved living, left behind.
Truly, a life well lived, explored, shared and openly embraced is the very best eulogy there could be……💔🌻🕊️
Totally agree, these words are for those of us left behind, but would be nice as Bridgitt mentioned below for people to hear these words while they are still alive!!
Having eulogized several wonderful people (my Mom, my sister, my brother and my dear husband), I think I touched the heart of who they were, what was their truth during their lives, including some of the heartbreaks, but my own? I can list what I've done, where I've been, but I am having a hard time writing out who I AM. I recall some years ago NPR had a segment called "This I Believe" and I wrote out a generalized paper then that is still true, but I don't know if it captures me. This is a challenge.
I suspect that the reason you find this challenging is because you have set for yourself a very high standard for evaluating the value of such a task. It is daunting. When people I am close to die, their spouses or close relatives or friends always seem a bit lost to me.
And so I tell them that people often say "if there's anything I can do, don't hesitate to ask." But they often say that 'cause they don't know what else to say. And then I tell them that one of the things I can do is write a eulogy. It seems like a weird facility to possess, but a welcome one for the many people who've asked me to do it.
There may be some validity to that, and also because what I have written (and delivered in funeral and memorial services) has been well received, even to the point of some saying to me after "that's what I'd want at MY funeral". It's sort of hard to beat something you've already done well, you know?
Indeed it is. I think one of the best pieces I've ever written was the eulogy for my step-father. But then there was another for my best friend who committed suicide, and another for my long time mentor, a few others for judges, co-workers, friends from theater, law, etc.
What I always try to remember is that it's not a contest, it's just my contribution.
Your last two sentences give me pause. Setting aside the shiny lure of perceived perfection, I would gladly hear your current statement of reflection, more true and enduring than one which is too assured to be honest.
Yes! I don't plan on having a funeral when I die. No obituary or eulogy. Just sprinkle me to the winds or compost me so I can feed the flowers, no speech needed. Let my actions be my legacy (good and bad) and, hopefully, learn from it.
A few years ago I had a health event that I almost didn't survive. After I was well enough, I thought to write my obituary at 50 years old. It gave me peace of mind, knowing that what I wanted to say, would be presented to everyone and my memorial.
How we live our lives *is* our eulogy. Our success and our failures, the way we've treated others--both those we love and those we choose to avoid; what we've stood for and against, the mistakes we've made (those we've acknowledged, those we've made amends for, and those we haven't owned up to). Don't get me wrong; a glowing eulogy is great. But our true eulogy lies in the way we lived our lives, no matter what the words say.
Truth