Wow, this is so beautifully written. This was exactly me before a friend saw through my act years ago, intervened, and got help for me before it was too late. I feel like what’s happening in our country right now has put a real strain on all of us who, even without the threat of authoritarianism, must regularly check in with ourselves to make sure we’re doing all the self care things we need to do to be ok and not slip over the edge and spiral down into dark despair. Many weeks ago I was so fortunate to find your Substack, John, not only because you write so beautifully and your insights into everything happening are so spot on, but also because I realized that I’m not alone in feeling like I do. So thank you for doing what you do because I think you’re keeping a whole bunch of us from spiraling down into dark despair. Please make sure you take care of yourself too. Saying a prayer for everyone who is struggling. 🙏🏻💕
As a fellow traveler who has been depressed most of my life, and I’m 80 now, I certainly resonate with what you said. I’m grateful that antidepressants help me but they don’t feed my soul like your heartfelt words do. It takes both for me.
You signed your book If God Is Love, Don’t Be A Jerk for me, and wrote “Be greatly encouraged” in it. I sometimes carry your book around sometimes for the encouragement as I deal with the losses aging brings. I also take perspective from the words of the violinist Iztok Perlman, who played a concert beautifully even though one of his strings had broken halfway through the concert. When asked how he did that, he said, “We learn to make music with what we have left.” You make beautiful “music,” for which I am deeply grateful.
Take care of yourself. I hope you recognize how important your words are in this difficult time. You lift us up. I hope we (your readers) can lift you up as well.
I am visiting my family for the first time in over a year. My Mom can get down because of current life stuff. Although it's really not too difficult for me to gently point out the obvious to her, engender her rapid self-awarenss ah shucks I am amazing, and some seriously legit shared smiles, chuckles, and love.
I also want to share an example how I can get down too as we understandably have that gut reaction. For the onset of many feelings and passions naturally began during childhood. To me the most sacred of sacred is the Smithsonian. My reaction has been ineffable. The Smithsonian Tropical Research Institute (STRI) was founded as small research camp in 1923. This is the only one such facility outside America within the Smithsonian and is the stuff of beyond earned legend. One can still visit the headquarters at Barro Colorado Island (within the formal Canal Zone), where the operations center of the 40+ staff facilitate critical tropical, conservation, and environmental research for thousands of scientists over the decades. The STRI work always was about collaboration, and more so as they were granted their continued mission post the return of the Canal lands. My dream when I was younger was to be a renowned researcher to work at such an incredible place.
That symbol of my childhood could now potentially evaporate. Maybe these are dreams of some white middle class kid. But I assure you they were pure in intention idealiatic dreams to change the world by some meaningful way. I pray and reaffirm my intention to work as hard as I can to protect these precious places of Smithsonian goodness.
Thank you John for your candor, and your willingness to bring a difficult subject into the chat. I am so sorry you have to suffer with such a relentlessly dark and persistent shadow.
Apologies in advance for this long post….As the mother (and daily support person) of someone with a two decades long battle with multiple mental illnesses, I see every single day the devastation and exhausting existence it brings. How isolation, social anxiety and feeling that nobody gets you piles more dysfunction onto the daily struggle to just get out of bed. Those fake smiles. How all the pills, therapy and doctor visits only work if the person is willing to work their ass off to manage the illnesses---and yet, how can they feel motivated and energized to do that hard work when all they want is the suffering to end NOW?
I’ve learned from years of therapy and education that the commonly held notion that ‘it is best to avoid conversation about suicide and dismiss the person’s feelings’ is dangerous and insulting for them. My loved one has had literally hundreds of conversations with me, & with therapists about the wish to leave this mortal coil. I still have to gauge every single one if it is just venting or if I need to call the police. Every single night I have to wonder if we are having our last text interchange. And no, I can’t force an adult into treatment if they don’t want to go. FYI, the only ‘nice’ treatment hospital in our state costs over $75,000 a week for inpatient treatment! And so, my loved one depends on me to talk them back down to a state of semi-calm several times a week. I love my child with all my heart and would do anything to help, but I won’t bullshit anybody reading this that it is exhausting and affects every single aspect of my life. Mental illness is a family disease. Add in the daily strife of wondering if Medicaid and other benefits will be cut off by this evil regime, and my own mood struggles to not slip into despair. I should have a sign on my forehead for being a hopeful empath trying to fix others/enabler/codependent! LOL We all have a role on that great stage of life.
It is very easy to understand, John, your comments about compassion exhaustion. But I try so hard to always remember that they are suffering so much more than I am. To still see and honor the beautiful person inside that darkness. Somehow we keep optimism and snarky humor as our companions, and appreciate the kind and wonderful people in the support team of services that constantly help us. If anything, I wish for those reading this to keep an eye on friends and family who battle depression or suicide fixation, get involved with your local NAMI chapter (a fabulous resource), speak out for those who are suffering and help us remove the stigma from mental illness. (Fun side note…a priest many years ago suggested my child was possessed by a demon and needed an exorcism, because of course, it’s 1658. I told him to go pound sand.) Support each other folks, these are tough times. Spread the love, the hugs, the kindness we all so badly need.
I am so relieved to read your words. I have a child who has struggled with depression and PTSD since his time in the military. He is a gentle and sensitive person.
Thank you for sharing with us. Mental illness is indeed a family disease. Good for you for sending the priest on his way! I've found that churchy people are often the least helpful of all when it comes to problems associated with mental illness. Love and kindness seem to be in short supply.
We may never know what a smile or a friendly word could mean to someone who crosses our path. These are tough times.
So many deal with depression and it's partner, anxiety. I am more on the anxiety end. So I decided to turn my anxiety/anger into action. Any resistance to the current nazi/fascist regime, I am trying to do my part. I am donating my money to Democratic candidates as I can, signing petitions, sharing relevant items on facebook, and getting together with like-minded friends and family. I am currently NOT having contact with my 3 siblings who voted for the nazi. I also descend into book world, as it takes me away from the current intolerable regime and their shenanigans.
It doesn’t matter what you are writing about, you always have the unique ability to hit the nail on the head! Thank you for this real, raw insight. It is so comforting to read someone who always speaks the truth in this fake society.
There is a quality to your writing that sums me. I have learned over my long life that we all play roles with the outside world. But, depression makes this a necessity instead of a choice. Please know that your vulnerability opens up a new space between you and your readers. We are going to try to fill that space with love and compassion. We truly are all connected.
These three sentences brought about tears. I've done it for so long too, I think I actually believe the performance is my true self. Had a complete melt down with my next door neighbor yesterday, yelling at him, a complete 180 from how I "normally" interact. I just couldn't take his political views, his demeanor towards me or my dogs, and I lost it. Of course, now wallowing in self hate and shame. John's words are so powerful, authentic, and right on time. Sending good energy to both of you.
It sounds like you needed to let it out. That can poison you. Please be kind to yourself. Your neighbor probably hasn't given it a second thought because they are self-absorbed and lacking empathy. Take care of yourself!
That is why many voted for Bone Spurs Bonaparte.
I am beginning to believe that more people lack empathy than we realized. Your neighbor is one of them. F.Elon admitted as much in saying empathy is weakness. Narcissists and sociopaths have zero empathy. And that is why we have F.Elon and Bone Spurs in power.
We cannot let them win. Don't let them take your spirit. Blessings to you.....
Everyone loses their cool every once in awhile Lisa. Be easy on yourself. These times make it hard to contain one's self. And John, what a beautiful letter to all of us. It is amazing with this going on, how much you help others. You really have helped me, for sure. Bless you and I pray for your strength and for all of us who suffer. Be well everyone! Spread love to all the souls who need a boost. And make sure the nearby loved ones know you love them!
Thank you for sharing your heartfelt words with us. They help to keep me going every day. I can feel your pain and sorrow. You must be so, so tired. We love you John and I will continue to pray for you.
John, I feel many including myself, will see themselves in your potent words…especially living/existing (depending on the moment) of these predictable unpredictable times we’re in. In my tribe, we know all is not okay when one of us responds “I’m fine”. That’s a red flag. We need each other more than ever now.
Thank you, John, for sharing this content. I am a mental health professional and even so, find it difficult to be candid about the pain of living. Aside from usual challenges of human life, it is incredibly painful to watch our country being torn apart by malevolent actors. You are not alone. Thank you for speaking courageously for so many of us.
Same here, Noelle.....our work already can traumatize us, but the current political and social climate makes me even more worried for people who are already vulnerable. People cannot be silent.
I am going to my first protest ever next weekend with Indivisible. We need to be seen and heard, and we need to see and hear others. I am very grateful for this forum as one of the places where that happens.
You are so important, so valued, so loved, and so tired. We are here for the real you. That helps us be real ourselves. Please stay in this world, and I'll do the same as long as we are able.
Take care of yourself. I think this is the best description of the mechanisms of living with depression that I've ever read. I sent it to my husband because I don't think he's ever "gotten it".
I saw myself in your words today. At 74, I'm still trying to figure things out, and people always just assume I already have. Thank you for your understanding.
Wow, this is so beautifully written. This was exactly me before a friend saw through my act years ago, intervened, and got help for me before it was too late. I feel like what’s happening in our country right now has put a real strain on all of us who, even without the threat of authoritarianism, must regularly check in with ourselves to make sure we’re doing all the self care things we need to do to be ok and not slip over the edge and spiral down into dark despair. Many weeks ago I was so fortunate to find your Substack, John, not only because you write so beautifully and your insights into everything happening are so spot on, but also because I realized that I’m not alone in feeling like I do. So thank you for doing what you do because I think you’re keeping a whole bunch of us from spiraling down into dark despair. Please make sure you take care of yourself too. Saying a prayer for everyone who is struggling. 🙏🏻💕
What she said. 👍
As a fellow traveler who has been depressed most of my life, and I’m 80 now, I certainly resonate with what you said. I’m grateful that antidepressants help me but they don’t feed my soul like your heartfelt words do. It takes both for me.
You signed your book If God Is Love, Don’t Be A Jerk for me, and wrote “Be greatly encouraged” in it. I sometimes carry your book around sometimes for the encouragement as I deal with the losses aging brings. I also take perspective from the words of the violinist Iztok Perlman, who played a concert beautifully even though one of his strings had broken halfway through the concert. When asked how he did that, he said, “We learn to make music with what we have left.” You make beautiful “music,” for which I am deeply grateful.
Take care of yourself. I hope you recognize how important your words are in this difficult time. You lift us up. I hope we (your readers) can lift you up as well.
Wow. I saw myself here. More frequent bouts of depression happening and trying to keep it under wraps as I know if makes others uncomfortable. Ugh.
I am visiting my family for the first time in over a year. My Mom can get down because of current life stuff. Although it's really not too difficult for me to gently point out the obvious to her, engender her rapid self-awarenss ah shucks I am amazing, and some seriously legit shared smiles, chuckles, and love.
I also want to share an example how I can get down too as we understandably have that gut reaction. For the onset of many feelings and passions naturally began during childhood. To me the most sacred of sacred is the Smithsonian. My reaction has been ineffable. The Smithsonian Tropical Research Institute (STRI) was founded as small research camp in 1923. This is the only one such facility outside America within the Smithsonian and is the stuff of beyond earned legend. One can still visit the headquarters at Barro Colorado Island (within the formal Canal Zone), where the operations center of the 40+ staff facilitate critical tropical, conservation, and environmental research for thousands of scientists over the decades. The STRI work always was about collaboration, and more so as they were granted their continued mission post the return of the Canal lands. My dream when I was younger was to be a renowned researcher to work at such an incredible place.
That symbol of my childhood could now potentially evaporate. Maybe these are dreams of some white middle class kid. But I assure you they were pure in intention idealiatic dreams to change the world by some meaningful way. I pray and reaffirm my intention to work as hard as I can to protect these precious places of Smithsonian goodness.
Thank you John for your candor, and your willingness to bring a difficult subject into the chat. I am so sorry you have to suffer with such a relentlessly dark and persistent shadow.
Apologies in advance for this long post….As the mother (and daily support person) of someone with a two decades long battle with multiple mental illnesses, I see every single day the devastation and exhausting existence it brings. How isolation, social anxiety and feeling that nobody gets you piles more dysfunction onto the daily struggle to just get out of bed. Those fake smiles. How all the pills, therapy and doctor visits only work if the person is willing to work their ass off to manage the illnesses---and yet, how can they feel motivated and energized to do that hard work when all they want is the suffering to end NOW?
I’ve learned from years of therapy and education that the commonly held notion that ‘it is best to avoid conversation about suicide and dismiss the person’s feelings’ is dangerous and insulting for them. My loved one has had literally hundreds of conversations with me, & with therapists about the wish to leave this mortal coil. I still have to gauge every single one if it is just venting or if I need to call the police. Every single night I have to wonder if we are having our last text interchange. And no, I can’t force an adult into treatment if they don’t want to go. FYI, the only ‘nice’ treatment hospital in our state costs over $75,000 a week for inpatient treatment! And so, my loved one depends on me to talk them back down to a state of semi-calm several times a week. I love my child with all my heart and would do anything to help, but I won’t bullshit anybody reading this that it is exhausting and affects every single aspect of my life. Mental illness is a family disease. Add in the daily strife of wondering if Medicaid and other benefits will be cut off by this evil regime, and my own mood struggles to not slip into despair. I should have a sign on my forehead for being a hopeful empath trying to fix others/enabler/codependent! LOL We all have a role on that great stage of life.
It is very easy to understand, John, your comments about compassion exhaustion. But I try so hard to always remember that they are suffering so much more than I am. To still see and honor the beautiful person inside that darkness. Somehow we keep optimism and snarky humor as our companions, and appreciate the kind and wonderful people in the support team of services that constantly help us. If anything, I wish for those reading this to keep an eye on friends and family who battle depression or suicide fixation, get involved with your local NAMI chapter (a fabulous resource), speak out for those who are suffering and help us remove the stigma from mental illness. (Fun side note…a priest many years ago suggested my child was possessed by a demon and needed an exorcism, because of course, it’s 1658. I told him to go pound sand.) Support each other folks, these are tough times. Spread the love, the hugs, the kindness we all so badly need.
I am so relieved to read your words. I have a child who has struggled with depression and PTSD since his time in the military. He is a gentle and sensitive person.
Thank you for sharing with us. Mental illness is indeed a family disease. Good for you for sending the priest on his way! I've found that churchy people are often the least helpful of all when it comes to problems associated with mental illness. Love and kindness seem to be in short supply.
We may never know what a smile or a friendly word could mean to someone who crosses our path. These are tough times.
So many deal with depression and it's partner, anxiety. I am more on the anxiety end. So I decided to turn my anxiety/anger into action. Any resistance to the current nazi/fascist regime, I am trying to do my part. I am donating my money to Democratic candidates as I can, signing petitions, sharing relevant items on facebook, and getting together with like-minded friends and family. I am currently NOT having contact with my 3 siblings who voted for the nazi. I also descend into book world, as it takes me away from the current intolerable regime and their shenanigans.
It doesn’t matter what you are writing about, you always have the unique ability to hit the nail on the head! Thank you for this real, raw insight. It is so comforting to read someone who always speaks the truth in this fake society.
Thank you for helping me to better understand what it means to struggle with depression.
There is a quality to your writing that sums me. I have learned over my long life that we all play roles with the outside world. But, depression makes this a necessity instead of a choice. Please know that your vulnerability opens up a new space between you and your readers. We are going to try to fill that space with love and compassion. We truly are all connected.
Yes, we all will try to fill that space with love and compassion.
Thanks for saying it outloud.
The moment I open my front door, the performance begins.
I have done this so long I have almost convinced myself.
These three sentences brought about tears. I've done it for so long too, I think I actually believe the performance is my true self. Had a complete melt down with my next door neighbor yesterday, yelling at him, a complete 180 from how I "normally" interact. I just couldn't take his political views, his demeanor towards me or my dogs, and I lost it. Of course, now wallowing in self hate and shame. John's words are so powerful, authentic, and right on time. Sending good energy to both of you.
It sounds like you needed to let it out. That can poison you. Please be kind to yourself. Your neighbor probably hasn't given it a second thought because they are self-absorbed and lacking empathy. Take care of yourself!
That is why many voted for Bone Spurs Bonaparte.
I am beginning to believe that more people lack empathy than we realized. Your neighbor is one of them. F.Elon admitted as much in saying empathy is weakness. Narcissists and sociopaths have zero empathy. And that is why we have F.Elon and Bone Spurs in power.
We cannot let them win. Don't let them take your spirit. Blessings to you.....
Everyone loses their cool every once in awhile Lisa. Be easy on yourself. These times make it hard to contain one's self. And John, what a beautiful letter to all of us. It is amazing with this going on, how much you help others. You really have helped me, for sure. Bless you and I pray for your strength and for all of us who suffer. Be well everyone! Spread love to all the souls who need a boost. And make sure the nearby loved ones know you love them!
Sounds like that needed to happen. Bravo!
Thank you for sharing your heartfelt words with us. They help to keep me going every day. I can feel your pain and sorrow. You must be so, so tired. We love you John and I will continue to pray for you.
John, I feel many including myself, will see themselves in your potent words…especially living/existing (depending on the moment) of these predictable unpredictable times we’re in. In my tribe, we know all is not okay when one of us responds “I’m fine”. That’s a red flag. We need each other more than ever now.
Thank you, John, for sharing this content. I am a mental health professional and even so, find it difficult to be candid about the pain of living. Aside from usual challenges of human life, it is incredibly painful to watch our country being torn apart by malevolent actors. You are not alone. Thank you for speaking courageously for so many of us.
Same here, Noelle.....our work already can traumatize us, but the current political and social climate makes me even more worried for people who are already vulnerable. People cannot be silent.
I am going to my first protest ever next weekend with Indivisible. We need to be seen and heard, and we need to see and hear others. I am very grateful for this forum as one of the places where that happens.
Marianne, wishing you peace and safety today as you attend your first protest.
You are so important, so valued, so loved, and so tired. We are here for the real you. That helps us be real ourselves. Please stay in this world, and I'll do the same as long as we are able.
Take care of yourself. I think this is the best description of the mechanisms of living with depression that I've ever read. I sent it to my husband because I don't think he's ever "gotten it".
I saw myself in your words today. At 74, I'm still trying to figure things out, and people always just assume I already have. Thank you for your understanding.