I didn’t have to cope with questioning my faith, or those who I thought shared the same vision of my faith because I’m a lifelong atheist. The rest of it though - 100%.
My wife told me, about a year ago, “You’re not the same person I met 15 years ago. You don’t laugh as much. You’re always angry.” I’ve tried to do better - but honestly - with what’s happening now? I think I’m worse. Certainly, internally, I’m worse. I may try to hide it a bit. That’s not healthy either though. It’s a no-win.
My 94-year-old mom tells me she thinks about what’s happening 24/7. She can’t get it out of her head. I’m the same. I have times when my wife and I are ready for bed and settling into a cuddle on the couch to watch whatever show we’re binging when I forget the world, but - in general - everywhere I turn, I’m reminded that everything has changed. I’m reminded of how I took for granted a feeling of confidence and peace in our country and most of the people here. I look at my grandkids and instead of being only joyful, I wonder if they’ll be forced to kill or be killed in some war these monsters have started in order to enrich their wealth and power. People tell me to get out in nature - to clear my mind. When I can get someplace away from the city, I think about how these fascist freaks are removing all of the hard-earned and worked for environmental protections.
They have stolen my peace and security. They have stolen so much of my joy. They have, indeed, hardened my heart. I literally hate so many people now. To quote a friend, “My soul is in free fall.” But I’m going to keep fighting, because I can’t NOT fight these abhorrent human beings.
I have said so many times -- to myself, & increasingly to others ---> "I miss the person I used to be." Just as evidently you do. My heart goes out to you -- to all of us.
My life was transformed by reading The Diary of Anne Frank also. I used to pretend I was Anne Frank and sit up in the attic and look out on the street and think about how needing to hide was for her. I think I internalized that Hope.
Thank you, that really resonated. with me. I remember growing up with the optimism of post-WWII still in the air, the feeling that even though there were dreadful things happening here, we were essentially the Good Guys: we would conquer racism, rein in our imperialistic urges, make life fairer for all of us. Despite aberrations like Richard Nixon (who was actually a lot smarter and more bearable than the current crew), Reagan, and the Bushes, we would continue the work of FDR, Truman, even Eisenhower, and LBJ, and build a truly decent society here and help the world progress. Barack Obama's election was over the top, we were on our way.
I think that what is most painful is realizing that we're just not the Good Guys any more. And it's interesting (from the viewpoint of a Martian anthropologist, anyway) to note that a good part of who we were was based on that optimism, that idealism, that feeling that we were headed towards a glorious and just future and that we could help make it happen. Losing that, seeing our country being taken apart and endangered by gangsters voted in by more thoughtless and awful people than I ever dreamed lived here, has definitely been the end of a significant part of the old me.
I don't think there's any "getting over" it, but maybe a more cynical and realistic view of things can help with fighting effectively in implementing a better life for all of us.
Well, I do and I don’t because I read the diary of Anne Frank when I was 12 after seeing the movie made of her story. And it really seriously impacted the way I look at life and politics. To this day.
So was I a bit more optimistic before this possibly but I’d rather be unknowing no. I still have optimism and hope in my heart. It just takes more effort to remind myself to not let the evil that’s going on take over my heart and mind and soul. And I pray that we all remember that.
---> I read the diary of Anne Frank when I was 12 after seeing the movie made of her story. And it really seriously impacted the way I look at life and politics. To this day.
I saw the movie when when it came out. I had just turned 9. That's really too young, but it made a major impact on me and how I view prejudice, racism, the people who perpetuate prejudice and racism, and the people who stand by and just let it happen.
I ache for those who are maybe 30 or younger and I've only seen this version of the world. I wonder how we can help them understand it doesn't have to be this way. Personally thrown myself into local nonprofit organizations and it helps me stay sane.
yes Sally!...and yes to everyone else especially John... My mantra to my 20 year old Granddaughter is "It wasn't always this way" My solace is my writing where I meet my authentic self.
Your words ring very true. I feel like he and maga followers have been terrorizing us for over a decade. It is exhausting and I long for peace. I long for not waking up with fear and dread hanging in the air. Just not to have to think about it always and always feeling I need to do more. Give more money, more time resisting and more time actively working to get Democrats elected!
I miss having a bright outlook on the world, my joy of traveling has been replaced by fear and embarrassment. I miss being able to talk w my grown kids about the happenings in the world, without them telling me they “ don’t want to hear about politics “. I miss my ready laughter, my sense of humor at the absurd. I miss waking up in the morning not dreading looking at what the latest atrocity has been wrought on us, and feeling powerless to change things. I miss the lighter, calmer, more optimistic me.
I know exactly what you mean about not being able to talk to my grown kids about politics. My older daughter used to be my go-to person when I was upset. Now she and her family, although not trumpers, want to stay in a bubble of “Don’t worry about it if it doesn’t affect you.”
Yes! My daughter is the same. Shes in a relationship and her bf is very self absorbed, so she’s become this way as well. It’s heartbreaking to see her shut off from causes she used to care about. My son is very empathetic and he’s shut off as well.. I think it’s overwhelming for him, I know it is for me. I have more time and am not trying to support a family, so I can get in deeper. It’s sad to see my caring kids check out… as their generation will be the one to have to live with this regime in the long run.
Not so much missing the person I used to be, because that hasn't changed so much - still getting out there in rallies, still trying to make the world a better place on the local level - but I do find myself grieving the nation we could be (or could have been) if Kamala had been elected.
Of course it would never be perfect, we would still be trying to close nuclear plants (having managed to close our own nearby), prevent fracking, protect immigrants, seek out social and environmental injustice and contact our elected officials about improvements we want. But there would have been an undercurrent of joy - the first woman president! of color! and to see the rule of law finally catch up with Trump as he so deserves...it's a comforting fantasy. No point spending a lot of time on it, but every so often it comes to visit. So sad, the difference between what might have been and what we're dealing with now.
Huge loss and a sense of doom ride with me every day now. I used to believe there was enough good in humanity to overcome evil. I am often in the shadow of emotions that underlie everything now, instead of the experience of joy. XO
Some I miss; some I'm grateful for, thanks in large part to an experience I had when I was quite young. I very much wanted to attend a specific university, and the only way that could happen was if I were awarded a full scholarship. The final "step" in qualifying for the scholarship was an interview with a three-person panel. When I realized one of the panelists was the guidance counselor at the high school the other two finalists attended, I recognized my chances were slim to none. On our drive home, my father insisted I was lucky. Tearfully I inquired, "How so?" he looked at me, smiled and said: "You're only 18, and you've learned in a way you will never forget that life isn't fair."
Nope, it's not. But if I am truly honest, I can name times when that worked in my favor, too.
Thank you John. Unfortunately, I think alot of us relate all too well to this message.
I'm blessed with 2 grandchildren and honestly, it's when I with them, no cell phone, no news, just in the now, that I feel those sparks of unadulterated joy and wonderment.
We probably all need a Shabbat, a day off our phones, TV, and the news to release our overwhelm and just BE.
I have had my moments of despair and then committed to an anti-bullying and calling out kindness campaign on my life. It’s helping. The Substack communities and Alt National Park are giving me strength in addition to family and friends. Feeling blessed despite it all.
---> When I consider the person I was a decade ago and compare him to the person in the mirror (well, aside from looking forty years older), I can’t help but notice the latter doesn’t laugh as easily as the former, he is far less naive about his friends and family members, he finds it far more difficult to give people the benefit of the doubt, he doesn’t see the horizon of history as wide open as he used to.
All of this. Point for point. I have a section in my journal where I have discussed each of these & more. I'm still trying to define who I am now, because I've become someone I don't recognize yet -- & am not entirely comfortable with.
So I've started another section of my journal -- exploring the topic of "Who do I want to become?" It gives me something to aim for & work on. A target I'm fairly sure I can hit. I hope I don't learn that's just more naivete. I guess only time will tell.
I didn’t have to cope with questioning my faith, or those who I thought shared the same vision of my faith because I’m a lifelong atheist. The rest of it though - 100%.
My wife told me, about a year ago, “You’re not the same person I met 15 years ago. You don’t laugh as much. You’re always angry.” I’ve tried to do better - but honestly - with what’s happening now? I think I’m worse. Certainly, internally, I’m worse. I may try to hide it a bit. That’s not healthy either though. It’s a no-win.
My 94-year-old mom tells me she thinks about what’s happening 24/7. She can’t get it out of her head. I’m the same. I have times when my wife and I are ready for bed and settling into a cuddle on the couch to watch whatever show we’re binging when I forget the world, but - in general - everywhere I turn, I’m reminded that everything has changed. I’m reminded of how I took for granted a feeling of confidence and peace in our country and most of the people here. I look at my grandkids and instead of being only joyful, I wonder if they’ll be forced to kill or be killed in some war these monsters have started in order to enrich their wealth and power. People tell me to get out in nature - to clear my mind. When I can get someplace away from the city, I think about how these fascist freaks are removing all of the hard-earned and worked for environmental protections.
They have stolen my peace and security. They have stolen so much of my joy. They have, indeed, hardened my heart. I literally hate so many people now. To quote a friend, “My soul is in free fall.” But I’m going to keep fighting, because I can’t NOT fight these abhorrent human beings.
I resonate with every word you wrote. Beautifully expressed and deeply felt.
Exactly how I am feeling, but not so much angry, just sad, very sad.
I have said so many times -- to myself, & increasingly to others ---> "I miss the person I used to be." Just as evidently you do. My heart goes out to you -- to all of us.
I miss not having to worry every morning what new and horrible things will happen today. I miss my optimism and joy. I miss not judging people.
My life was transformed by reading The Diary of Anne Frank also. I used to pretend I was Anne Frank and sit up in the attic and look out on the street and think about how needing to hide was for her. I think I internalized that Hope.
Ditto for myself as well. I've become that bitter soul I steered clear from in the past. I'm scared a lot now as well. Joy is at a premium.
Thank you, that really resonated. with me. I remember growing up with the optimism of post-WWII still in the air, the feeling that even though there were dreadful things happening here, we were essentially the Good Guys: we would conquer racism, rein in our imperialistic urges, make life fairer for all of us. Despite aberrations like Richard Nixon (who was actually a lot smarter and more bearable than the current crew), Reagan, and the Bushes, we would continue the work of FDR, Truman, even Eisenhower, and LBJ, and build a truly decent society here and help the world progress. Barack Obama's election was over the top, we were on our way.
I think that what is most painful is realizing that we're just not the Good Guys any more. And it's interesting (from the viewpoint of a Martian anthropologist, anyway) to note that a good part of who we were was based on that optimism, that idealism, that feeling that we were headed towards a glorious and just future and that we could help make it happen. Losing that, seeing our country being taken apart and endangered by gangsters voted in by more thoughtless and awful people than I ever dreamed lived here, has definitely been the end of a significant part of the old me.
I don't think there's any "getting over" it, but maybe a more cynical and realistic view of things can help with fighting effectively in implementing a better life for all of us.
You put it so well. Thank you.
Well, I do and I don’t because I read the diary of Anne Frank when I was 12 after seeing the movie made of her story. And it really seriously impacted the way I look at life and politics. To this day.
So was I a bit more optimistic before this possibly but I’d rather be unknowing no. I still have optimism and hope in my heart. It just takes more effort to remind myself to not let the evil that’s going on take over my heart and mind and soul. And I pray that we all remember that.
---> I read the diary of Anne Frank when I was 12 after seeing the movie made of her story. And it really seriously impacted the way I look at life and politics. To this day.
I was 11. Your story is mine.
I saw the movie when when it came out. I had just turned 9. That's really too young, but it made a major impact on me and how I view prejudice, racism, the people who perpetuate prejudice and racism, and the people who stand by and just let it happen.
You are so right about that. It takes a lot of effort, we will survive!
It’s so hard, but trying to remain hopeful is what’s important. If we loose hope, they win.
I miss feeling hopeful about the future. I miss the person who believed that good always conquers evil.
I ache for those who are maybe 30 or younger and I've only seen this version of the world. I wonder how we can help them understand it doesn't have to be this way. Personally thrown myself into local nonprofit organizations and it helps me stay sane.
yes Sally!...and yes to everyone else especially John... My mantra to my 20 year old Granddaughter is "It wasn't always this way" My solace is my writing where I meet my authentic self.
Such a positive way to stay sane!
Your words ring very true. I feel like he and maga followers have been terrorizing us for over a decade. It is exhausting and I long for peace. I long for not waking up with fear and dread hanging in the air. Just not to have to think about it always and always feeling I need to do more. Give more money, more time resisting and more time actively working to get Democrats elected!
I miss having a bright outlook on the world, my joy of traveling has been replaced by fear and embarrassment. I miss being able to talk w my grown kids about the happenings in the world, without them telling me they “ don’t want to hear about politics “. I miss my ready laughter, my sense of humor at the absurd. I miss waking up in the morning not dreading looking at what the latest atrocity has been wrought on us, and feeling powerless to change things. I miss the lighter, calmer, more optimistic me.
I know exactly what you mean about not being able to talk to my grown kids about politics. My older daughter used to be my go-to person when I was upset. Now she and her family, although not trumpers, want to stay in a bubble of “Don’t worry about it if it doesn’t affect you.”
Yes! My daughter is the same. Shes in a relationship and her bf is very self absorbed, so she’s become this way as well. It’s heartbreaking to see her shut off from causes she used to care about. My son is very empathetic and he’s shut off as well.. I think it’s overwhelming for him, I know it is for me. I have more time and am not trying to support a family, so I can get in deeper. It’s sad to see my caring kids check out… as their generation will be the one to have to live with this regime in the long run.
Not so much missing the person I used to be, because that hasn't changed so much - still getting out there in rallies, still trying to make the world a better place on the local level - but I do find myself grieving the nation we could be (or could have been) if Kamala had been elected.
Of course it would never be perfect, we would still be trying to close nuclear plants (having managed to close our own nearby), prevent fracking, protect immigrants, seek out social and environmental injustice and contact our elected officials about improvements we want. But there would have been an undercurrent of joy - the first woman president! of color! and to see the rule of law finally catch up with Trump as he so deserves...it's a comforting fantasy. No point spending a lot of time on it, but every so often it comes to visit. So sad, the difference between what might have been and what we're dealing with now.
Huge loss and a sense of doom ride with me every day now. I used to believe there was enough good in humanity to overcome evil. I am often in the shadow of emotions that underlie everything now, instead of the experience of joy. XO
Some I miss; some I'm grateful for, thanks in large part to an experience I had when I was quite young. I very much wanted to attend a specific university, and the only way that could happen was if I were awarded a full scholarship. The final "step" in qualifying for the scholarship was an interview with a three-person panel. When I realized one of the panelists was the guidance counselor at the high school the other two finalists attended, I recognized my chances were slim to none. On our drive home, my father insisted I was lucky. Tearfully I inquired, "How so?" he looked at me, smiled and said: "You're only 18, and you've learned in a way you will never forget that life isn't fair."
Nope, it's not. But if I am truly honest, I can name times when that worked in my favor, too.
Missing some optimism for the future.
Thank you John. Unfortunately, I think alot of us relate all too well to this message.
I'm blessed with 2 grandchildren and honestly, it's when I with them, no cell phone, no news, just in the now, that I feel those sparks of unadulterated joy and wonderment.
We probably all need a Shabbat, a day off our phones, TV, and the news to release our overwhelm and just BE.
I have had my moments of despair and then committed to an anti-bullying and calling out kindness campaign on my life. It’s helping. The Substack communities and Alt National Park are giving me strength in addition to family and friends. Feeling blessed despite it all.
---> When I consider the person I was a decade ago and compare him to the person in the mirror (well, aside from looking forty years older), I can’t help but notice the latter doesn’t laugh as easily as the former, he is far less naive about his friends and family members, he finds it far more difficult to give people the benefit of the doubt, he doesn’t see the horizon of history as wide open as he used to.
All of this. Point for point. I have a section in my journal where I have discussed each of these & more. I'm still trying to define who I am now, because I've become someone I don't recognize yet -- & am not entirely comfortable with.
So I've started another section of my journal -- exploring the topic of "Who do I want to become?" It gives me something to aim for & work on. A target I'm fairly sure I can hit. I hope I don't learn that's just more naivete. I guess only time will tell.