EXCLUSIVE: Excerpts From The Autographed MAGA Bible

A sneak peek at the Donald Trump-signed Scriptures

Warning: Satire

Donald Trump recently announced the sale of signed copies of the Bible.

This unorthodox and previously undiscovered version of the Christian scriptures was recently unearthed during the renovation beneath a panic bathroom at Mar-a-Lago.

This new 'MAGA Translation' contains the 'Gospel According to Don,' 'Book of 2 Republicans' and of course, ‘Insurrections.’

The text's origins are said to have been dated around the time of the 2016 Presidential Campaign just after Donald Trump secured the GOP nomination. They now comprise the sacred text of millions of former Evangelicals, tired of the restrictive demands of a compassionate, generous, loving Jesus.

Below are excerpts from the just-released, autographed, "new-and-improved, Proud to Be an American” testament—which is already available on the Trump website, as well as NRA meetings, Southern Baptist churches, straight pride parades, and your local homophobic bakery:

2 Republicans, Chapter 1, verse 1:
In the Beginning, Don created fake news.
On the first day, he manufactured emergencies, demonized Muslims, denied pandemics, attacked the Free Press, praised Putin, ranted about Obama, spewed racist epithets, and screamed at windmills. The other six days he played golf and rage-posted abject nonsense from the toilet, in incoherent missives littered with factual errors, grammatical abominations, and spelling atrocities.

Insurrections, Chapter 1, Verses 11-13:
"White Jesus declared, 'MAGA, you will call yourself 'pro-life.' In doing so, you will be able to ignore death to migrants, Muslims, people of color, LGBTQ people, the poor and sick, mass shooting victims, sentient beings—and the planet itself. Life beyond embryos that you force women to carry to term—is not actually life."

2 Republicans, Chapter 5, verse 6:
"Faith is the evidence of things unseen—like Donald Trump's Christianity. My wonderfully terrified Fox News flock, despite him never uttering a word or doing a thing resembling the compassionate and loving Jesus of Nazareth, your simple and steadfast declaration of his faith in Christ will be enough to convince easily suggestible believers (of which there are many, thank GOP God). Repeat the lie until it becomes the truth."

Insurrections, Chapter 7, verse 10:
"In Gun You Trust: God is small and impotent and cannot protect you. You need to be packin' heat at the grocery store, the little league game, and at church services because the almighty and omnipotent maker of all things might need backup from a perpetually-petrified "good guy with a gun,: heavily armed with supremacist delusions and a jittery disposition.

The Gospel According to Don, Chapter 9, verse 3:
"And white Jesus said, 'Love your neighbor as yourself—providing of course, your neighbor is white, was born in America, and votes Republican. Otherwise, screw your neighbor, pad your 401K—and make America great. Thus sayeth the straight, white, Republican LORD."

2 Republicans, Chapter 9, verse 10:
"And MAGA Jesus said, 'Men, if your right eye causes you to stumble—it’s the woman’s fault. Reprimand her for her clothing choices and for the curves of her body and for her desire to walk around wearing what feels comfortable to her. Never allow your lack of decency, self-control, or toxic misogyny to cost you an ogling eye, when you can simply blame the victim. As a matter of fact, just legislate away their autonomy altogether.’ "

Ivermectin, Chapter 13, verse 1:
"And the straight, white republican LORD said, 'I am the LORD your God. You shall have no other Gods before me—well, other than America, the flag, the Anthem, guns, Trump, Supreme Court Seats, the Stock Market, Nazis, Proud Boys, and the GOP... but no other Gods, OK?"

2 Republicans, Chapter 10, verse 2:
"Alt-Right Jesus declared: 'The only devil is compassion. Caring for people who are suffering or hungry or hurting or sick or alone or poor is a sign of weakness. To hell with the least of these. Tell them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. That they have no boots is not your concern.' "

The Gospel According to Don, Chapter 14: verses 1-10:

‘And well after midnight, the sweaty, sociopathic prophet of bullies, predators, and bigots rage-posted:

Hear the MAGA Commandments:
You shall grab women by the genitalia.
You shall declare protesting black NFL players sons of bitches.
You shall declare undocumented Mexicans rapists and drug dealers.
You shall declare Muslim politicians terrorist sympathizers.
You shall call real news, fake—and Fox News, real.
You shall ignore every white mass shooter (which is almost all of them.)
You shall not see women as equals—even if you are a woman.
You shall dehumanize immigrants coming from the South (not the good,
European kind.)
You shall ignore Science and instead use Donald Trump’s all-caps social
media
rants to guide your medical opinions.
You shall bow down, not to a golden calf—but to an orange jackass.

Insurrections, Chapter 23, verse 2:
"For Caucasian God did not so love the world, He so loved America—so much so, that he sent White Jesus to build walls, take away health insurance, ignore climate change, vilify sexual assault survivors, and make the one percent richer.

In His name… Amen—

—or rather, "Ah, White Men."