"I know how you feel" may not be a good comment, but letting the grieving person know that you also lost a child, parent, sibling, etc. can be helpful. When I lost my firstborn child, I was devastated. It was the first time I had ever experienced grief of that intensity. And as I learned of others who had also lost children, they were the ones who could help me best understand what I was going through and also what I would need to go through on that journey of grief. So maybe an appropriate comment would be "I'm grieving with you. I lost my father a few years ago, too."
Well said, John. I didn't mourn my dad at his passing as I mourned the death of our relationship when I left home my junior year in high school. We kept in touch over the years but there was nothing of substance. He never once asked about my kids. His love affair with a bottle was his family. His loss. At age 78, I almost naturally do the 3 things you suggest as my wife and I have had practice with grieving with our friends and family. Death is very humbling.
I remember when I was in my early 20s a good friend's father died. I was too young and not religious enough to say any of those things, but I probably said something equally unhelpful. What I do remember and what I now understand was something he said to _me_. I was tiptoeing around the subject of his dad and he said something like, "It's okay, it's not as if I've forgotten he's gone and all of a sudden you're going to remind me." That has stuck with me all these years and now, being older and having experienced loss and death and grief, I know exactly what he means. One of the things I try to remember to do is check in with people and be with them a month, two months, six months, a year after they've lost someone. Because I now know they are likely still grieving.
Thank you for this John. I think every memorial or funeral service I had to preside over I heard each of these well-intentioned words and I winced every single time. And I love your suggested response. Honestly, grieving loved ones always appreciated my presence--just my presence.
"I know how you feel" may not be a good comment, but letting the grieving person know that you also lost a child, parent, sibling, etc. can be helpful. When I lost my firstborn child, I was devastated. It was the first time I had ever experienced grief of that intensity. And as I learned of others who had also lost children, they were the ones who could help me best understand what I was going through and also what I would need to go through on that journey of grief. So maybe an appropriate comment would be "I'm grieving with you. I lost my father a few years ago, too."
I like that approach, Barry. It let's the grieving person know that they are not alone, yet it still respects their loss.
Well said, John. I didn't mourn my dad at his passing as I mourned the death of our relationship when I left home my junior year in high school. We kept in touch over the years but there was nothing of substance. He never once asked about my kids. His love affair with a bottle was his family. His loss. At age 78, I almost naturally do the 3 things you suggest as my wife and I have had practice with grieving with our friends and family. Death is very humbling.
I remember when I was in my early 20s a good friend's father died. I was too young and not religious enough to say any of those things, but I probably said something equally unhelpful. What I do remember and what I now understand was something he said to _me_. I was tiptoeing around the subject of his dad and he said something like, "It's okay, it's not as if I've forgotten he's gone and all of a sudden you're going to remind me." That has stuck with me all these years and now, being older and having experienced loss and death and grief, I know exactly what he means. One of the things I try to remember to do is check in with people and be with them a month, two months, six months, a year after they've lost someone. Because I now know they are likely still grieving.
Thank you for this John. I think every memorial or funeral service I had to preside over I heard each of these well-intentioned words and I winced every single time. And I love your suggested response. Honestly, grieving loved ones always appreciated my presence--just my presence.