I appreciate these words. There are very special friends & family whose loss I grieve. I don’t want it to be this way, they are people I love & miss having in my life. I don’t want to be judgmental or make them wrong but I cannot be my authentic self with them now. The elephant in the room is too large to even try to ignore. So my fear & concern has been silenced. Even agreeing to disagree has become too difficult. My heart is broken.
It’s very sad to go through this, so I feel for you. I am too, yet at this point for me, it comes as a relief from all the years of having a healing fantasy that said my efforts could have an impact, when they couldn’t, and from all the grieving I’ve done along the way for the past decade. I would just say we’re not ‘making them wrong’. They’re doing that themselves in just being wrong, in apparently not knowing right from wrong. And as for being judgmental, I’d say it’s exercising good judgment to not continually subject ourselves to those who defend and collude with cruelty.
I love what you have written here! You say the truth when you addressed "subjecting ourselves to those who defend and collude with cruelty." Nowhere is that healthy or Godly.
Thank you Trava. And I love what You wrote. It can be hard to get through the guilt that says it IS Godly. Wouldn’t it be great if we could lose the conditioning to sacrifice our health for others, and be unapologetic in taking care of ourselves? In the book Cassandra Speaks, by Elizabeth Lesser, she talks about having a strong back and a soft front, and has a picture of a Buddha illustrating that; holding his hands in a mudra, where his left hand is resting open, cupped, receptive, giving, and his right is held up, like “stop”. As The Supremes sang, “Stop! In the name of love…”. And as Patti Griffin sings, “Ain’t no talkin’ to this man, he’s been trying to tell me so, it took awhile to understand, the beauty of just letting go, it would take an acrobat, I already tried all that, I’m gonna let him fly.”
Thank you Lewiekee. I forgot to add the quote (also found in Elizabeth Lesser's book) "Do no harm, and take no shit." (Gonna make that my mantra.) And I'll add, that 'taking no shit' gets construed as doing harm, being bitchy etc etc. It's not. I applaud you being your authentic self.
Thank you. And thank you for “Do no harm & take no shit.” I’m pretty accomplished at doing no harm & taking no shit but haven’t been able to reconcile the two. Seems I need to redefine my understanding of what taking shit really means! Thanks again for helping me improve my incomplete understanding & adding an additional insight for me to digest
I don’t know how you manage to do it, but you express exactly what I am thinking and feeling every time I read your column. And you do it with such eloquence and simplicity that the audience can immediately identify with your feelings.
It's not only the lost relationships that we grieve. It's also the relationships that never fully develop. The relationships that could be deep and meaningful, but instead lay dormant because we do not address the issues that are tearing our lives apart at this time.
We meet a person who on the surface appears to be kind, and someone we would like to know better. But the concern that they may not be as kind as it appears holds us back from addressing the important issues of compassion and empathy and where they stand on the divisive issues of today, holds us back from approaching these subjects for fear of losing an acquaintance. So the relationship remains superficial, never developing into the kind of relationship that allows honesty and supportive sharing about what really matters. This too is a reason to grieve...a life filled with superficial acquaintances rather than kindred spirits, supporting each other in this time of chaos and fear. Cowardly? Yes, but in a time when any non-confrontational; face to face human contact is a blessing...very understandable.
I, too, am in a position of grieving my only sibling (and his family). He was the little baby brother I had longed for and welcomed excitedly when I was nine years old. Now, at 76 and 65, we are not talking. I sent Christmas presents as usual. He responded that I am his only sister, that he will always love me, but we have to “agree to disagree.” Even before JP wrote about that phrase I thought it was trite. Too trite for anything that really mattered. So, it just annoyed me more. My brother and I have not spoken since. This is a brother who was in the ICU with Covid just a few years back. I was terrified of losing him to Covid. Now I have lost him and his whole family to a man who - saved by a whole team of doctors and treated with drugs my brother never had - made light of the disease.
I grew up in a very small Georgia town and worshipped in a Baptist Church. I was educated at Carson-Newman College where I was the best Bible student in my required Bible classes. I had friend relationships with people who were both smart and good. The church was actually moving forward, and it was my venue for learning compassion and kindness. Then, in the late 70’s as I was living on W. 86th in Manhattan, which was populated by many Jewish New Yorkers - some who had concentration camp numbers tattooed on their forearms- the Texas takeover began. I had lived in Louisville, and even as Baptist (Crescent Hill, John Claypool, I knew that the Texas seminary was way more conservative than those at Louisville and Wake Forest (NC). I could not stay in the Baptist Church any longer, and I joined St. Paul and St. Andrew’s UMC. I have never stopped going to church (now in a very progressive Disciples of Christ) but I hope I never have to enter my home church again - even for a funeral. There are sine wonderful progressive Baptist churches, but I cannot bear the burden of being called Baptist and having to always say - “No, not those Baptists. “. Do there goes my childhood church, my ties to my college, and with them another chunk of my life - except for my dedication to the “least of these,” the gift my early faith that was bestowed, through the church, by a universal “God will not let me go.”
My family and a lot of my history have been stolen from me. But I am still one of the lucky ones! This Thursday and Jewish friend and I are going to make paddle signs for an Indivisible rally at the Washington monument. She is one of the best people I know among a group of close friends of all faiths, ethnicities, and national origins. You see, I live in Alexandria, VA. (FFX County). I am in a blue zone. So, I do have community. I do have diversity of background coupled with unity of values.
Still, it grieves me that 85% of my home county in Georgia voted for Trump. And that includes family. I can’t go there right now, but I do maintain some friendships with kindred spirits. And there is a brave Democrat group that has formed in my home county, which is east of MTG’s district in the beautiful foothills of the Appalachians. An old friend from Georgia is driving up here (9 hours) on Friday and will be standing with me and my Jewish friend at the monument.
My 97 year old mother and I share a birthday this month and I wrote her a goodbye letter 3 months ago. I never did get a response. And yes, I'm bewildered by the fact that my sweet dear mother that I loved so much would cast aside her daughter for politics in the last days here on Earth. But I can't continue to think that way or dwell on that because there's just no answer to it. It's just a mystery and it it doesn't stop with her. It's my entire family. My sister who once loved me considers me her enemies so and you're right, I have never been my true authentic self. I've always tried to fit in and be under Calvinism and you know live the shame and the blame. But am I saying goodbye to these folks? It's like you say maybe in some time there'll be a new experience for me, but in the meantime it's a huge loss
Thank you. John, for giving voice to the nearly unspeakable pain that nearly all of us are experiencing. A pain that surprised us - that still surprises us every day - during a time when community has never been more important.
Lifestyle change, politics, family dynamics. Each can present us with a point where we must choose to continue the phony smiles and nods or be true to ourselves. I have chosen authenticity. It has been costly. The grieving of family members due to my lifestyle change has been the most painful of all. Some days I don’t know what to do with it and others I’m angry and want to confront them. Thank you for this post. I will let the grief have a space, but put in a better perspective.
Wow so hard to hear and know you are right. I think it is so hard too because I know I just avoid my brother and remain civil but too afraid to actually tell him why. He knows but the silence is deafening. As the one and only from a large family I cannot understand how this is so. He has isolated himself in so many ways and for what? It is so true I grieve this daily. I want to have the courage to face it but up to now have not.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I’ve been going through the same thing with a family member. I can’t pretend any longer or overlook the facade of love and caring that requires fealty to the felon. I can’t worship the god of their creation that hates …..
Thank you for your words and thanks to each of you who has responded. You all speak to the pain and turmoil I am experiencing. My sister and I text and occasionally talk, but not about politics. I'm not sure how we can't talk about this huge calamity that is occurring in our nation. How can we not discuss hatred, lies, cruelty...and on and on.
And as I talk to my son who is a disabled veteran and deal with my daughter who is a government employee and see the dysfunction in all that surrounds me, I don't know how to process the fact that all of these Trump supporters are perceiving the world with totally different eyes and mindsets. They don't seem to comprehend the pain that many of us are experiencing. Why?
My dad and two of three siblings were brainwashed by the propaganda presented by fox on tv, and the garbage they read on fb, in spite of another brother and I presenting them with FACTS to counter the lies. I haven't seen them since the pandemic, because they didn't believe the pandemic was real.
Thank you for being a voice to the insanity/ of what is like being an ACOA. Not being able to speak to the dysfunction of the “intoxicated” mind and behavior. Although lots of this has been underneath the surface over a century. We never resolved our root causes (based on enslaved and territorial rights for prosperity and wealth)and now it’s at a blistering boil erupting.
Here we are-
FEAR:Facing everything and recovering
Or -more of the same FEAR (F*ck everything and run).
now is the time for the words of MLK JR, “you cannot drive our hate with hate- only love can do that. You cannot cast out darkness with more darkness-only light can do that”. So YES to seeing everything and facing-all our grief-pains- be aware and recognize. But also remember that truly “we cant solve the problems of the world with the same mind we came in with(Einstein)”.
Solution: be of clear minds-clear channels-community unity-gather!
Courage to change- let’s recover our world- thank you John for daily bravery posts. And thank you Cory Booker yesterday holy moly!
Maybe the problem was being under the covers for so long ....
Speaking out the Truth is liberating and fighting for it at all costs (even if that means distancing from close family members and friends) it is well worth it 💯
However, I cannot agree with John's take that we are mourning deaths of living people no matter how hard it might hurt us ...
My take in what's happening right now is that in order to be able to fight the injustices and wrongdoings we have to "temporarily " separate from the ones who are hurting us.
They need their time and their reckoning process might be longer and more painful nevertheless they have to come to the same conclusion that we have reached ON THEIR OWN !
It seems like that day may come sooner than we think because all the hurt that this administration's doing will reach them too .... maybe not soon enough 🙏❤️🩹
Thank you. The notion of "ambiguous loss" has been helpful for me over the years...losing someone or something (such as a dream) to things such as dementia, alcoholism/addiction, cult, missing person/missing in action, declining health or abilities. Our present situation feels similar to me, but much more extreme and final. I cannot make sense of so much senselessness and intentional evil. Going to funerals daily makes it more difficult to remain sane.
I have personal experience of grieving lost relationships because I have lost relatives to substance abuse and dependency who turned against me and discredited me to other family members. The lesson I've learned is that I'm not alone - speaking and writing the truth is what God requires of us in this current political climate.
In a world where I am alone and have always felt alone...I it is helpful to be able to hear and share with people that just plain GET IT .I have never felt recognized or understood..I thank John for these teachings and moments where we can feel seen and heard
I've been grieving for my best friend of 60years, since COVID and the Attack on the Capitol. I couldn't cope with all of the propaganda stuff she was absorbing, and really believing?! I think of her often, and miss her like crazy. Thank you, for your piece this morning ☕ and will reStack ASAP 🙏
Thank you for this post. I’m also experiencing this. I struggle to understand how my own mother can support what is happening in our country. I may never understand, but I’m feeling a bit relieved to know I’m not the only person going through this.
I know it's like I don't understand where they made the switch in their brains to just be completely different people. I'm just talking to a wall and an angry one, one that defends and it's like what so I'm with you
To be constantly dragged between love and loathing in a family is devastating. I’ve lived it for 60 years. Nowadays, for me at least, it’s not really about politics; it’s about wishing they could open up to fairness and kindness.
I appreciate these words. There are very special friends & family whose loss I grieve. I don’t want it to be this way, they are people I love & miss having in my life. I don’t want to be judgmental or make them wrong but I cannot be my authentic self with them now. The elephant in the room is too large to even try to ignore. So my fear & concern has been silenced. Even agreeing to disagree has become too difficult. My heart is broken.
It’s very sad to go through this, so I feel for you. I am too, yet at this point for me, it comes as a relief from all the years of having a healing fantasy that said my efforts could have an impact, when they couldn’t, and from all the grieving I’ve done along the way for the past decade. I would just say we’re not ‘making them wrong’. They’re doing that themselves in just being wrong, in apparently not knowing right from wrong. And as for being judgmental, I’d say it’s exercising good judgment to not continually subject ourselves to those who defend and collude with cruelty.
I love what you have written here! You say the truth when you addressed "subjecting ourselves to those who defend and collude with cruelty." Nowhere is that healthy or Godly.
Thank you Trava. And I love what You wrote. It can be hard to get through the guilt that says it IS Godly. Wouldn’t it be great if we could lose the conditioning to sacrifice our health for others, and be unapologetic in taking care of ourselves? In the book Cassandra Speaks, by Elizabeth Lesser, she talks about having a strong back and a soft front, and has a picture of a Buddha illustrating that; holding his hands in a mudra, where his left hand is resting open, cupped, receptive, giving, and his right is held up, like “stop”. As The Supremes sang, “Stop! In the name of love…”. And as Patti Griffin sings, “Ain’t no talkin’ to this man, he’s been trying to tell me so, it took awhile to understand, the beauty of just letting go, it would take an acrobat, I already tried all that, I’m gonna let him fly.”
Beautifully said! A strong back & a soft front… as well as the song lyrics. You have put together some powerful insights
Thank you Lewiekee. I forgot to add the quote (also found in Elizabeth Lesser's book) "Do no harm, and take no shit." (Gonna make that my mantra.) And I'll add, that 'taking no shit' gets construed as doing harm, being bitchy etc etc. It's not. I applaud you being your authentic self.
Thank you. And thank you for “Do no harm & take no shit.” I’m pretty accomplished at doing no harm & taking no shit but haven’t been able to reconcile the two. Seems I need to redefine my understanding of what taking shit really means! Thanks again for helping me improve my incomplete understanding & adding an additional insight for me to digest
Thank you John. I am with you.
I don’t know how you manage to do it, but you express exactly what I am thinking and feeling every time I read your column. And you do it with such eloquence and simplicity that the audience can immediately identify with your feelings.
It's not only the lost relationships that we grieve. It's also the relationships that never fully develop. The relationships that could be deep and meaningful, but instead lay dormant because we do not address the issues that are tearing our lives apart at this time.
We meet a person who on the surface appears to be kind, and someone we would like to know better. But the concern that they may not be as kind as it appears holds us back from addressing the important issues of compassion and empathy and where they stand on the divisive issues of today, holds us back from approaching these subjects for fear of losing an acquaintance. So the relationship remains superficial, never developing into the kind of relationship that allows honesty and supportive sharing about what really matters. This too is a reason to grieve...a life filled with superficial acquaintances rather than kindred spirits, supporting each other in this time of chaos and fear. Cowardly? Yes, but in a time when any non-confrontational; face to face human contact is a blessing...very understandable.
I, too, am in a position of grieving my only sibling (and his family). He was the little baby brother I had longed for and welcomed excitedly when I was nine years old. Now, at 76 and 65, we are not talking. I sent Christmas presents as usual. He responded that I am his only sister, that he will always love me, but we have to “agree to disagree.” Even before JP wrote about that phrase I thought it was trite. Too trite for anything that really mattered. So, it just annoyed me more. My brother and I have not spoken since. This is a brother who was in the ICU with Covid just a few years back. I was terrified of losing him to Covid. Now I have lost him and his whole family to a man who - saved by a whole team of doctors and treated with drugs my brother never had - made light of the disease.
I grew up in a very small Georgia town and worshipped in a Baptist Church. I was educated at Carson-Newman College where I was the best Bible student in my required Bible classes. I had friend relationships with people who were both smart and good. The church was actually moving forward, and it was my venue for learning compassion and kindness. Then, in the late 70’s as I was living on W. 86th in Manhattan, which was populated by many Jewish New Yorkers - some who had concentration camp numbers tattooed on their forearms- the Texas takeover began. I had lived in Louisville, and even as Baptist (Crescent Hill, John Claypool, I knew that the Texas seminary was way more conservative than those at Louisville and Wake Forest (NC). I could not stay in the Baptist Church any longer, and I joined St. Paul and St. Andrew’s UMC. I have never stopped going to church (now in a very progressive Disciples of Christ) but I hope I never have to enter my home church again - even for a funeral. There are sine wonderful progressive Baptist churches, but I cannot bear the burden of being called Baptist and having to always say - “No, not those Baptists. “. Do there goes my childhood church, my ties to my college, and with them another chunk of my life - except for my dedication to the “least of these,” the gift my early faith that was bestowed, through the church, by a universal “God will not let me go.”
My family and a lot of my history have been stolen from me. But I am still one of the lucky ones! This Thursday and Jewish friend and I are going to make paddle signs for an Indivisible rally at the Washington monument. She is one of the best people I know among a group of close friends of all faiths, ethnicities, and national origins. You see, I live in Alexandria, VA. (FFX County). I am in a blue zone. So, I do have community. I do have diversity of background coupled with unity of values.
Still, it grieves me that 85% of my home county in Georgia voted for Trump. And that includes family. I can’t go there right now, but I do maintain some friendships with kindred spirits. And there is a brave Democrat group that has formed in my home county, which is east of MTG’s district in the beautiful foothills of the Appalachians. An old friend from Georgia is driving up here (9 hours) on Friday and will be standing with me and my Jewish friend at the monument.
Oh my, John.. Dead on to my current experience.
My 97 year old mother and I share a birthday this month and I wrote her a goodbye letter 3 months ago. I never did get a response. And yes, I'm bewildered by the fact that my sweet dear mother that I loved so much would cast aside her daughter for politics in the last days here on Earth. But I can't continue to think that way or dwell on that because there's just no answer to it. It's just a mystery and it it doesn't stop with her. It's my entire family. My sister who once loved me considers me her enemies so and you're right, I have never been my true authentic self. I've always tried to fit in and be under Calvinism and you know live the shame and the blame. But am I saying goodbye to these folks? It's like you say maybe in some time there'll be a new experience for me, but in the meantime it's a huge loss
Thank you. John, for giving voice to the nearly unspeakable pain that nearly all of us are experiencing. A pain that surprised us - that still surprises us every day - during a time when community has never been more important.
Lifestyle change, politics, family dynamics. Each can present us with a point where we must choose to continue the phony smiles and nods or be true to ourselves. I have chosen authenticity. It has been costly. The grieving of family members due to my lifestyle change has been the most painful of all. Some days I don’t know what to do with it and others I’m angry and want to confront them. Thank you for this post. I will let the grief have a space, but put in a better perspective.
Wow so hard to hear and know you are right. I think it is so hard too because I know I just avoid my brother and remain civil but too afraid to actually tell him why. He knows but the silence is deafening. As the one and only from a large family I cannot understand how this is so. He has isolated himself in so many ways and for what? It is so true I grieve this daily. I want to have the courage to face it but up to now have not.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I’ve been going through the same thing with a family member. I can’t pretend any longer or overlook the facade of love and caring that requires fealty to the felon. I can’t worship the god of their creation that hates …..
I know when you see it so clearly you just see it so clearly you cannot unsee it and that's the truth for us
Thank you for your words and thanks to each of you who has responded. You all speak to the pain and turmoil I am experiencing. My sister and I text and occasionally talk, but not about politics. I'm not sure how we can't talk about this huge calamity that is occurring in our nation. How can we not discuss hatred, lies, cruelty...and on and on.
And as I talk to my son who is a disabled veteran and deal with my daughter who is a government employee and see the dysfunction in all that surrounds me, I don't know how to process the fact that all of these Trump supporters are perceiving the world with totally different eyes and mindsets. They don't seem to comprehend the pain that many of us are experiencing. Why?
My dad and two of three siblings were brainwashed by the propaganda presented by fox on tv, and the garbage they read on fb, in spite of another brother and I presenting them with FACTS to counter the lies. I haven't seen them since the pandemic, because they didn't believe the pandemic was real.
I'm sorry.. I don't understand the utter devotion and anger my family now has
Thank you for this timely post. This is very much my circumstance, and it is very painful.
Thank you for being a voice to the insanity/ of what is like being an ACOA. Not being able to speak to the dysfunction of the “intoxicated” mind and behavior. Although lots of this has been underneath the surface over a century. We never resolved our root causes (based on enslaved and territorial rights for prosperity and wealth)and now it’s at a blistering boil erupting.
Here we are-
FEAR:Facing everything and recovering
Or -more of the same FEAR (F*ck everything and run).
now is the time for the words of MLK JR, “you cannot drive our hate with hate- only love can do that. You cannot cast out darkness with more darkness-only light can do that”. So YES to seeing everything and facing-all our grief-pains- be aware and recognize. But also remember that truly “we cant solve the problems of the world with the same mind we came in with(Einstein)”.
Solution: be of clear minds-clear channels-community unity-gather!
Courage to change- let’s recover our world- thank you John for daily bravery posts. And thank you Cory Booker yesterday holy moly!
https://substack.com/@politicsusa46/note/c-105209658?r=1nacqs&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action
Thank you for your comments. I am too overcome with emotions to respond, but know that your entire post spoke volumes to me.
Cory Booker! What a bright spot!
Maybe the problem was being under the covers for so long ....
Speaking out the Truth is liberating and fighting for it at all costs (even if that means distancing from close family members and friends) it is well worth it 💯
However, I cannot agree with John's take that we are mourning deaths of living people no matter how hard it might hurt us ...
My take in what's happening right now is that in order to be able to fight the injustices and wrongdoings we have to "temporarily " separate from the ones who are hurting us.
They need their time and their reckoning process might be longer and more painful nevertheless they have to come to the same conclusion that we have reached ON THEIR OWN !
It seems like that day may come sooner than we think because all the hurt that this administration's doing will reach them too .... maybe not soon enough 🙏❤️🩹
Thank you. The notion of "ambiguous loss" has been helpful for me over the years...losing someone or something (such as a dream) to things such as dementia, alcoholism/addiction, cult, missing person/missing in action, declining health or abilities. Our present situation feels similar to me, but much more extreme and final. I cannot make sense of so much senselessness and intentional evil. Going to funerals daily makes it more difficult to remain sane.
Thank you for sharing the term ambiguous loss. I hadn't heard it, and it's helpful.
I have personal experience of grieving lost relationships because I have lost relatives to substance abuse and dependency who turned against me and discredited me to other family members. The lesson I've learned is that I'm not alone - speaking and writing the truth is what God requires of us in this current political climate.
In a world where I am alone and have always felt alone...I it is helpful to be able to hear and share with people that just plain GET IT .I have never felt recognized or understood..I thank John for these teachings and moments where we can feel seen and heard
I've been grieving for my best friend of 60years, since COVID and the Attack on the Capitol. I couldn't cope with all of the propaganda stuff she was absorbing, and really believing?! I think of her often, and miss her like crazy. Thank you, for your piece this morning ☕ and will reStack ASAP 🙏
Feeling your pain
Thank you for this post. I’m also experiencing this. I struggle to understand how my own mother can support what is happening in our country. I may never understand, but I’m feeling a bit relieved to know I’m not the only person going through this.
I know it's like I don't understand where they made the switch in their brains to just be completely different people. I'm just talking to a wall and an angry one, one that defends and it's like what so I'm with you
To be constantly dragged between love and loathing in a family is devastating. I’ve lived it for 60 years. Nowadays, for me at least, it’s not really about politics; it’s about wishing they could open up to fairness and kindness.
Spot on