Hey Guys, We Need to Stop Being So Mean to Elon.

(Extreme Satire Warning)

Hey Everyone,

Enough’s enough here, OK?

This has all gone too far.

We all need to be nicer to Elon.

Last night, I watched the wealthiest man in the world on Fox News, pouring his heretofore undiscovered heart out while lamenting the loss of a few of his scorched, overpriced metal children. I felt so profoundly sad for him.

“I always thought that Democrats were supposed to be the party of empathy.” He said, clearly grieving.“ I’ve never done anything harmful, I’ve only done productive things: this doesn't make any sense. I think there are larger forces at work.”

I stopped reading about those bullies in Ukraine picking on poor misunderstood Putin and wept uncontrollably.

“Elon!” I cried out. “Why are they doing this to him?”

I think it’s our problem, really.

We’re all at fault here.

I mean, he has a point about our collective lack of empathy:

We can’t appreciate how hard it is being a delusional, narcissistic billionaire, who couldn’t rest in simply having more money than anyone on the planet, and decided he also needed to infiltrate the government of the most powerful nation in the world by elevating another Olympic-level sociopath.

We lack the basic compassion to fathom being so emotionally fragile that we purchased a thriving social media platform in order to protect our eggshell ego, turning it from a safe, well-designed instrument of global community into a lawless playground for racists and predators.

We are all so damn hard-hearted, we just don’t understand the emotional toll it takes on an unelected, self-obsessed fascist sympathizer to meddle in an election, help install a wannabe king, take food from starving children in Africa, remove funding for cancel cancer research, and capriciously fire tens of thousands of federal workers—all when he could have just played with often-exploding vanity rockets.

Damnit, America—where is your empathy?

Elon mentioned the “larger forces” he believes are at work here and again, he’s correctly assessed the situation.

I believe something nefarious is definitely happening.

Someone powerful is pulling the strings here in the shadows, coordinating all those retirees whose gluttonous retirement benefits are evaporating,
the selfish single parents whose SNAP support is drying up,
the unceremoniously fired park rangers who’ve wasted so much money caring for our natural beauty,
the elderly veterans clearly gaming the system by working the bedsides of other wounded service people.

I smell a woke Liberal conspiracy or a Deep State campaign, and it all needs to stop.

Honestly, we all need to wake up and think about Elon’s feelings—and not the fall of our Republic.

So what if we lose our life savings, our livelihoods, our systems of support for the poor and sick and vulnerable, our ability to elect our leaders, and our standing in the global community? Isn’t that all a small price to pay to ensure that one empty shell of a rich White guy feels a little bit better about himself?

If we can’t put the emotional needs of the world’s wealthiest man above the survival of the greatest democratic experience in the history of the planet, what does that say about us?

So, let’s do better, America.

Let’s stop being so mean to Elon.

As they say: it costs nothing to be nice.

(Note: if you still can’t tell this is satire, you may be MAGA.)