How to Be a "Real Man" in America

A Letter to This Nation's Young Men

Photo by leah hetteberg on Unsplash

Dear Young Men in America,

These are already difficult times, for you I know.

I understand how confusing it can be to wake up every day with all the changes inside and around you: to try and figure out who you are and who you're going to be, especially with so many different voices and so many conflicting messages.

Many people will try and tell you what it takes to be a "real man." I'm not going to do that, simply because there is no such thing a real man. That's something Hollywood and preachers and politicians (and maybe even some of the men in your life) would have you believe, because that's easier than the truth.

The truth is, the goal here for you isn't to be a real man, the goal is to be a decent adult human being who also happens to be male.
Becoming a decent adult human being is much more valuable to the world and yet far more difficult, which is why so many men seem uninterested in it or unable to attain it. It's why the world is filled with terrified little boys who never grew up, because they spent so much time chasing after "real manhood” and lost sight of their humanity.

Decent male human beings cry when joy or grief show up.
They are capable of deep empathy for people who are suffering.
They yield to a woman's consent regarding her body and her needs.
They respond to the world with gentleness, restraint, and kindness.
They don't need to display physical dominance in order to feel emotionally validated.
They aren't a physical or emotional danger to the people around them.
They aren't threatened by a woman with intelligence or talent or skill.
They aren't defined by how loud or rude or violent or vulgar they are.

Decent adult human beings are open with their affection for the people they love, knowing how precious each moment with them is.
They are the encouragers, the listeners, the feelers, the helpers, the healers, the givers, the damn-givers.
They leave places more peaceful than when they arrived, and people more loved than when they met them.
They measure themselves in the good they do for others, not the attention they draw to themselves or the accolades they receive.

Chasing the "real man" image feels like a shortcut at times but ultimately it doesn't lead you anywhere worth being. You usually end up frustrated and bitter, and trying to be something that isn't sustainable—someone other than yourself. I bet you can recognize people like that if you look carefully.

You will have many men around you to emulate, many you will be told to aspire to, many who will tell you with their words and their example: how you should live and be and move through the world.
Be very careful who you choose to follow and look carefully for the decent adult human beings, and learn from them.
And remember that men aren't decent human beings simply because they have wealth or success or notoriety. They aren't necessarily decent human beings because they're celebrities or athletes or politicians, or even presidents—sometimes, just the opposite. 

Decent human beings won't always be the most visible. That's their humility and quiet confidence at work.
Decent human beings won't always be at the top. They know that "winning," if it makes you less kind or compassionate or generous, isn't really winning anything of value.
Decent human beings won't always be the most popular. That's because they aren't willing to sink ever-lower to chase the applause and retweets of strangers.

Decent human beings are better friends, husbands, partners, fathers, and neighbors than some fictional image of manhood ever could be, so you'll be doing the world a favor if you stay authentic.

You're already a real young man, and so whoever you will become, will be a real man. 

The goal, is to be a real, good man.

It's to be a decent adult human being.

Become that, and you'll have spent your time here well.