You called it. Moving on again as someone I did care for has been poisoned after having lived in a Trump home for a year. He had been coming out of his generation violence background and showing the empathy that I would see him express around animals at the farm we were at, but when we ended up at Trump home during the 2024 campaign - as the home owner scrolled all the Trumpverse spew. He changed. Not living with that. Don’t need it. Don’t care if I ever date again. To much hassle
So true. A couple of years ago, I heard a devout Evangelical dismiss teenage rape as, "It's just something boys do because they're hormonal". She was also opposed to criminal prosecution of teen rapists because it hurts them in the future. I assume she didn't have daughters.
There is a different group of men who are also lonely: those who are typically taunted as nerds, dorks, losers and misfits. I am one and know others. Since most are also introverted, they are usually not miserable about being alone.
Many of the women I have dated have told me that “men are not like that” when I show empathy or try to make her feel comfortable, so I wonder what they have been taught about how “a man should behave.” Others seem to want a man with multiple personalities, and the man should be able to sense which personality is appropriate.
I have female friends whom I am happy to be with at that level, mostly as correspondents or escorts. I have fewer male friends—I don’t engage in most of the “male bonding” activities.
The insistence of strict dichotomy between the genders does not help. The fact is that there are spectrums in almost every identifying category, but unease with ambiguity and laziness in trying to distinguishing between the characteristics of individuals makes it difficult to identify what sort or degree of relationship is possible.
You mentioned so many great examples in your response. You are so right about strict dichotomy among the genders. Our most accepted culture in this country has missed the richness that other cultures throughout the world have recognized and respected. I am an old woman now, but it was the nerds and gentle men who attracted me in high school. Stay true to yourself throughout life and know that you are accepted just as you are by those of us who see you.
I’m now 72! Perhaps the lightening of pressure in retirement and the hope of leaving a positive legacy have mellowed me and allowed me to be more reflective.
I am sure that part of the agendas in fomenting division is to make it difficult to clear oneself enough to be reflective, not just reactive.
Someone said that the opposite of love is not hate but fear. It takes effort to assess what is making one fearful and to realize many of those are imaginary or overblown or can be faced with courage.
I am so glad you replied. While you are being reflective, perhaps you can share your wisdom with younger men so that they will know there is a path through this.
MAGA is also teaching its followers that they are entitled to do whatever they want without consequences. Even after 47 and his enablers in government are gone, the rest of us are going to have to deal with this entitled, toxic MAGA mindset in our schools, workplaces, houses of worship and communities.
Yes, this is so true. Now the minority in magaland knows they can smear feces on our house walls, kill policemen, rape women, pillage, plunder, make millions from insider trading, ban books, lie, cheat, and steal from everyone, and they'll get away with it. As long as all the SCOTUS members are alive, there are no ultimate checks or balances. Only a wink and a nod and a pardon to make it go away.
What makes it even worse (as if it's not bad enough) is that different life stages of men (like women) have different reasons for being lonely. I can't comment on women's pressures. Our culture does everything it can to pressure all of us, partly because it's easier to sell crap to us.
Teen men not only have the pressures of puberty, but they're being actively courted by MAGA and the Christian Nationalists. By midlife, men not only have MAGA and the Nationalists, but the stresses of working life and lack of free time to socialize. This is especially true if men want to be involved parents as they should. There's also the so-called "manosphere, whatever that's supposed to be.
By their senior years, there's the loss of aging friends and family, sometimes the loss of a life partner, plus our society's tendency to look on seniors as if they are invisible and useless.* Friends and family ghost us, too.
John only touched on one part of a huge societal problem. Entire books have been written about it. How we fix it, I don't know. All I can say is that I've been lonely for most of my life.
Your story touched my heart. I know this community is virtual, but I am finding an acceptance that helps me to feel a part of something larger than myself. I will hold your story in my heart. Peace.
John, this is one of your best. "You reap what you sow." Just as we don't plant tomatoes and expect them to come up cucumbers, so a society -- or the MAGA segment thereof -- cannot expect to sow hatred, bigotry, egotism, narcissism, sexism, misogyny, racism, selfishness, greed, cruelty, and expect that somehow what will come of that will be mature, well-adjusted and flourishing human beings.
And yes, this is one of the huge, huge costs of Trump to this country and this world. I have a running argument with my husband, who thinks that if Trump were just out of the picture, most of this madness would go away. No, it wouldn't. There are millions of existing enablers for his madness (voters, Republicans in Congress), and, as this piece of John's points out so clearly, so many others, including the young, being shaped and formed by the vileness every day and taught that it's good, and normal, and "American." Or, worse, that it's "Christian." Such sickness.
I've never understood why anyone would choose to be a Republican. Their rigid and superior attitudes are a repellent. Their platforms have traditionally failed to address the needs and concerns of most Americans. Yet, by all accounts they are glib and unflinching about their shallow and narrow view.
They wince at the slightest hint of funding social programs that assist poor children, the sick, the elderly, and less fortunate, including our military veterans. And now that the Republicans have morphed into full-blown Maga, there's nothing left to say.
As an elementary school counselor, I try to teach students that empathy is the most important piece of human character. Kindness and caring about others is what we should aspire to do. Unfortunately, society in so many areas is not in alignment with this notion.
There is a plethora of podcasts, online discussions, books written, and excuses made by parents (particularly mothers) that their sons aren't thriving.
An example, I heard about recently was a woman who had two daughters and a son. There was no .mention of a father in the home. The woman singular reason this mother of three voted for trump for was because she thought trump would somehow help her adult son who lived at home with her and who sat in her basement and played video games all day. One of her daughters had finished college and was employed. The other daughter had one year of college left before beginning her career.
It was unheard of when many of us graduated from college that we would return home and live with our parents. Some got married after graduation. Others found jobs, roommates to share expenses, and moved on with our lives. We were eager to make our own money and have the freedom to live our own lives.
Scott Galloway who studies the subject refers to it as an epidemic of lonely, alienated, and disaffected young men. He says statistics show men are four out of five times more likely to kill themselves. Men are not attaching to school, relationships, or work.
There are myriad contributors to this dilemma, and the items John points out in his newsletter are most assuredly relevant.
You are so right about this. I can honestly say I never heard of ANYONE returning home to live with their parents after they graduated high school, or trade school, or a 4 year college degree. I couldn't wait to leave the suffocating nest. I told my two daughters that while I meant it with the deepest love, they were not to come back and live with us after 18 and they are both very successful independent married women living their lives on their terms with equally earnest hubbies:)
The boomers wouldn't let us return. My mom gave me luggage for high school graduation and I left a week after. I was 17. My room was turned into a guest room by the end of summer. When I was debilitated by a horrible car accident in grad school and couldn't take care of myself for a few months, my mother, who was a nurse, charged me to live in my old room and take care of me. None of my friends ever thought about returning home. We just weren't welcome. Maybe I'm an outlier but I don't think so. Gen X is just tough but we didn't get the support we needed.
Oh, it's real alright. And it's not just among young men - it's among men of all ages. And they are all whining about it and blaming EVERYONE but themselves (hmmm, I wonder where they picked up THAT habit....). You might also call it a "women are sick and tired and refusing to settle for this crap, not to mention have families and bring children into an overpopulated, messed up world, where they won't have any support and will be called freeloaders" epidemic.
When we, American women, tell our friends abroad what our lives are like, it's not that they disbelieve us - they do believe. And their eyes widen in horror. "You had to go to work THREE WEEKS after giving birth?!" (in most first-world nations women get six to eighteen months maternity leave) "And paid HOW MUCH?!" (giving birth and taking care of any complications is either inexpensive or free). The overwork. The underpay. The glass ceiling. The choice of a deeply corrupt, thoroughly hateful man for the highest office in the land - twice, both times over a smart, tough, eminently competent woman. ALL OF IT.
Yeah, sure, we know there are some decent men out there... theoretically... But it's no longer possible to tell, and we don't care to find out.
This is the legacy of MAGA that no one talks about.
You called it. Moving on again as someone I did care for has been poisoned after having lived in a Trump home for a year. He had been coming out of his generation violence background and showing the empathy that I would see him express around animals at the farm we were at, but when we ended up at Trump home during the 2024 campaign - as the home owner scrolled all the Trumpverse spew. He changed. Not living with that. Don’t need it. Don’t care if I ever date again. To much hassle
I'm almost 80. This is not new.
It is tribal and competitive.
Begins with competitive sports and business.
Vietnam vs conscientious objectors.
College vs blue collar
Everything becomes a gladiator sport.
Winning vs living
I see it at all ages. From peewee sports to nursing homes.
So sick of pathetic, insecure alpha males.
MAGA is the most pathetic.
So true. A couple of years ago, I heard a devout Evangelical dismiss teenage rape as, "It's just something boys do because they're hormonal". She was also opposed to criminal prosecution of teen rapists because it hurts them in the future. I assume she didn't have daughters.
Forget about her daughters. Where is her empathy for the raped girls?
I agree. And I've wondered if she would tell a female relative to just get over it.
Or tell HERSELF to just get over it
If she does have daughters I fear for them. Imagine women raised to be submissive to all manner of male dominance
In fact, that is how many women are being raised.
More likely she is justifying an experience she had with a hormonal boy, rather than actually dealing with it.
This is just plain sick!
There is a different group of men who are also lonely: those who are typically taunted as nerds, dorks, losers and misfits. I am one and know others. Since most are also introverted, they are usually not miserable about being alone.
Many of the women I have dated have told me that “men are not like that” when I show empathy or try to make her feel comfortable, so I wonder what they have been taught about how “a man should behave.” Others seem to want a man with multiple personalities, and the man should be able to sense which personality is appropriate.
I have female friends whom I am happy to be with at that level, mostly as correspondents or escorts. I have fewer male friends—I don’t engage in most of the “male bonding” activities.
The insistence of strict dichotomy between the genders does not help. The fact is that there are spectrums in almost every identifying category, but unease with ambiguity and laziness in trying to distinguishing between the characteristics of individuals makes it difficult to identify what sort or degree of relationship is possible.
This seems so different from what I saw at your age. I'm so sorry you aren't growing up in a better world.
You mentioned so many great examples in your response. You are so right about strict dichotomy among the genders. Our most accepted culture in this country has missed the richness that other cultures throughout the world have recognized and respected. I am an old woman now, but it was the nerds and gentle men who attracted me in high school. Stay true to yourself throughout life and know that you are accepted just as you are by those of us who see you.
I’m now 72! Perhaps the lightening of pressure in retirement and the hope of leaving a positive legacy have mellowed me and allowed me to be more reflective.
I am sure that part of the agendas in fomenting division is to make it difficult to clear oneself enough to be reflective, not just reactive.
Someone said that the opposite of love is not hate but fear. It takes effort to assess what is making one fearful and to realize many of those are imaginary or overblown or can be faced with courage.
I am so glad you replied. While you are being reflective, perhaps you can share your wisdom with younger men so that they will know there is a path through this.
Never stop being you! Polarization is both toxic to the individual and the collective, to both men and women.
MAGA is also teaching its followers that they are entitled to do whatever they want without consequences. Even after 47 and his enablers in government are gone, the rest of us are going to have to deal with this entitled, toxic MAGA mindset in our schools, workplaces, houses of worship and communities.
Yes, this is so true. Now the minority in magaland knows they can smear feces on our house walls, kill policemen, rape women, pillage, plunder, make millions from insider trading, ban books, lie, cheat, and steal from everyone, and they'll get away with it. As long as all the SCOTUS members are alive, there are no ultimate checks or balances. Only a wink and a nod and a pardon to make it go away.
They believe their own propaganda about liberals not owning firearms. I beg to differ.
I agree, thank you for writing this as it gets exactly to the point.
On target again, John. And as long as men keep subjugating women to forced birth, that male loneliness factor will only increase.
What makes it even worse (as if it's not bad enough) is that different life stages of men (like women) have different reasons for being lonely. I can't comment on women's pressures. Our culture does everything it can to pressure all of us, partly because it's easier to sell crap to us.
Teen men not only have the pressures of puberty, but they're being actively courted by MAGA and the Christian Nationalists. By midlife, men not only have MAGA and the Nationalists, but the stresses of working life and lack of free time to socialize. This is especially true if men want to be involved parents as they should. There's also the so-called "manosphere, whatever that's supposed to be.
By their senior years, there's the loss of aging friends and family, sometimes the loss of a life partner, plus our society's tendency to look on seniors as if they are invisible and useless.* Friends and family ghost us, too.
John only touched on one part of a huge societal problem. Entire books have been written about it. How we fix it, I don't know. All I can say is that I've been lonely for most of my life.
*I'm experiencing that right now.
Thank you for being here, we need your insights to become better ourselves. This is a great community to land.
Your story touched my heart. I know this community is virtual, but I am finding an acceptance that helps me to feel a part of something larger than myself. I will hold your story in my heart. Peace.
Thank you, Susan. 🫂
John, this is one of your best. "You reap what you sow." Just as we don't plant tomatoes and expect them to come up cucumbers, so a society -- or the MAGA segment thereof -- cannot expect to sow hatred, bigotry, egotism, narcissism, sexism, misogyny, racism, selfishness, greed, cruelty, and expect that somehow what will come of that will be mature, well-adjusted and flourishing human beings.
And yes, this is one of the huge, huge costs of Trump to this country and this world. I have a running argument with my husband, who thinks that if Trump were just out of the picture, most of this madness would go away. No, it wouldn't. There are millions of existing enablers for his madness (voters, Republicans in Congress), and, as this piece of John's points out so clearly, so many others, including the young, being shaped and formed by the vileness every day and taught that it's good, and normal, and "American." Or, worse, that it's "Christian." Such sickness.
Just wow! On pitch
I have three sons, they were definitely
not raised to be misogynous assholes. But then I am not a Republican.
I've never understood why anyone would choose to be a Republican. Their rigid and superior attitudes are a repellent. Their platforms have traditionally failed to address the needs and concerns of most Americans. Yet, by all accounts they are glib and unflinching about their shallow and narrow view.
They wince at the slightest hint of funding social programs that assist poor children, the sick, the elderly, and less fortunate, including our military veterans. And now that the Republicans have morphed into full-blown Maga, there's nothing left to say.
As a mother of two daughters, I thank you Debra! Bravo!
Absolutely right on target, John. Thanks for putting it in writing.
As an elementary school counselor, I try to teach students that empathy is the most important piece of human character. Kindness and caring about others is what we should aspire to do. Unfortunately, society in so many areas is not in alignment with this notion.
There is a plethora of podcasts, online discussions, books written, and excuses made by parents (particularly mothers) that their sons aren't thriving.
An example, I heard about recently was a woman who had two daughters and a son. There was no .mention of a father in the home. The woman singular reason this mother of three voted for trump for was because she thought trump would somehow help her adult son who lived at home with her and who sat in her basement and played video games all day. One of her daughters had finished college and was employed. The other daughter had one year of college left before beginning her career.
It was unheard of when many of us graduated from college that we would return home and live with our parents. Some got married after graduation. Others found jobs, roommates to share expenses, and moved on with our lives. We were eager to make our own money and have the freedom to live our own lives.
Scott Galloway who studies the subject refers to it as an epidemic of lonely, alienated, and disaffected young men. He says statistics show men are four out of five times more likely to kill themselves. Men are not attaching to school, relationships, or work.
There are myriad contributors to this dilemma, and the items John points out in his newsletter are most assuredly relevant.
You are so right about this. I can honestly say I never heard of ANYONE returning home to live with their parents after they graduated high school, or trade school, or a 4 year college degree. I couldn't wait to leave the suffocating nest. I told my two daughters that while I meant it with the deepest love, they were not to come back and live with us after 18 and they are both very successful independent married women living their lives on their terms with equally earnest hubbies:)
The boomers wouldn't let us return. My mom gave me luggage for high school graduation and I left a week after. I was 17. My room was turned into a guest room by the end of summer. When I was debilitated by a horrible car accident in grad school and couldn't take care of myself for a few months, my mother, who was a nurse, charged me to live in my old room and take care of me. None of my friends ever thought about returning home. We just weren't welcome. Maybe I'm an outlier but I don't think so. Gen X is just tough but we didn't get the support we needed.
Oh, it's real alright. And it's not just among young men - it's among men of all ages. And they are all whining about it and blaming EVERYONE but themselves (hmmm, I wonder where they picked up THAT habit....). You might also call it a "women are sick and tired and refusing to settle for this crap, not to mention have families and bring children into an overpopulated, messed up world, where they won't have any support and will be called freeloaders" epidemic.
When we, American women, tell our friends abroad what our lives are like, it's not that they disbelieve us - they do believe. And their eyes widen in horror. "You had to go to work THREE WEEKS after giving birth?!" (in most first-world nations women get six to eighteen months maternity leave) "And paid HOW MUCH?!" (giving birth and taking care of any complications is either inexpensive or free). The overwork. The underpay. The glass ceiling. The choice of a deeply corrupt, thoroughly hateful man for the highest office in the land - twice, both times over a smart, tough, eminently competent woman. ALL OF IT.
Yeah, sure, we know there are some decent men out there... theoretically... But it's no longer possible to tell, and we don't care to find out.