(Note: this is in no way a rebuttal of Mel Robbins’ excellent book, merely the suggestion that in certain instances, an alternative approach may be necessary.)
I made up my mind recently to use my privilege as an old white woman to do a bit more pushing back. I've always displayed bumper stickers so that people know where I stand. But I hosted a No Kings protest on June 14 where I thought I might get 3 dozen people. I came close to having 500! And just yesterday I had one of the participants email me to say how good it made her feel. Yesterday I wore my "Abortion Saved My Life" t-shirt to Target. This was a little out of my box. It isn't that I haven't talked about my abortion due to an ectopic pregnancy, but it is usually within a conversation. As I was shopping a young male employee said to me, "Is that true--what's on your shirt?" I explained that it was and that my heart breaks for every woman who has bled to death because they could not get the health care they needed. He replied, "We are living in some messed up world." I agreed. Two other women in the store commented that they liked my shirt. Just this past weekend I was at a class reunion and one of my classmates talked about how Somalian population in Minnesota was causing so much crime. Since I live in a city with the 2nd largest Somalian population in the US I told him that the Somalian population here was wonderful and that they are beautiful people. Then today I was getting some Diet Coke at a store and another woman about my age was also buying it. She commented that she was just like Trump and she even knew he has a button to call for my Diet Coke. I just looked at her and said that I hoped that was the only way I was like Trump. I wanted to say more, but decided not to. Anyway those are experiences just this week where I am trying to push back a little and I feel very good about it.
Love this Libby! Also old & white here...as well as a retired teacher. As I was reading the comments, I was about to write something similar to your post :) I'll simplify & say what we taught our students: When you see something, say something! My peace caps & tees also open doors for productive chats when out & about :)
In other words “Don’t let them” trample on the human rights of others, our country, or our laws. Don’t let them change the face of America into a fascist regime. DON’T LET THEM!
There’s a time for boundaries, detachment, and letting things go. There’s wisdom in the “Let Them” theory—especially in a world that constantly demands we contort ourselves into silence to keep the peace. But when that peace is a shallow grave for democracy? When silence is the currency of cruelty? When “letting them” means surrendering the commons to sadists in suits and cowards in pews? Then no, thank you. Not this time. Not this place. Not this soul.
“Don’t let them” isn’t a theory. It’s a commandment for the morally awake.
You don’t let them laugh their way through cruelty, not when that laughter echoes off the bones of people who were just trying to live.
You don’t let them rewrite the moral ledger to make persecution look like policy.
You don’t let them baptize fascism in the language of faith, or sell genocide under the banner of “security.”
You stand. You interrupt. You name the thing aloud, so that no one in the room can pretend not to see it. And you do it not because you like conflict—but because you love people.
This is where too many liberals, too many centrists, too many quiet moderates, too many “reasonable” conservatives have gone wrong: they mistook civility for virtue. They thought “don’t rock the boat” was wisdom. They believed neutrality made them noble.
It doesn’t. In the presence of injustice, neutrality is permission.
I worked inside the system for over two decades. I know how soft words become sharp weapons. I’ve seen how a memo can kill a movement. I’ve watched the logic of bureaucracy twist itself around cruelty until the two are indistinguishable. And what I learned is this:
If you give authoritarianism an inch—it doesn’t take a mile. It takes the map.
So no, we do not “let them.”
Not at the school board meeting.
Not at the family dinner.
Not at the city council vote.
Not in the sermon.
Not at the Pride event.
Not in the quiet corners of our own minds where shame and fear like to hide.
Fascism doesn’t arrive with a parade. It arrives with paperwork. With “pilot programs.” With “temporary powers.” With “common sense reforms.” And above all—with the silence of those who knew better but couldn’t be bothered.
We’re out of time for that now.
This is the line. Right here. Right now. Not because we want the fight, but because it’s already come for our neighbors. And when it comes for them, it comes for all of us.
So yes, by all means, protect your peace. Guard your energy. Don’t chase the approval of those who traded their empathy for access. But the moment that peace becomes complicity?
Don’t let them.
Because they’re counting on your silence.
They are banking on your exhaustion.
They believe you will sit this one out.
Prove them wrong
Out loud.
In public.
With love in one hand and truth in the other.
Let them go if they must.
But don’t let them take the soul of the country with them.
Just listened to Rascal Flatts "Stand" and it brought tears to my eyes. "Cause when push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of, you might bend 'til you break 'cause it's all you can take, on your knees you look up, Decide you've had enough, you get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off, Then you stand." One of my favorite lyrics of all time, especially now.
We all build on each other and I think the important part of John's post is how we find ways to have a conversation with someone who has a very different opinion without it causing more division. Good discussions come from offering another perspective to give a more balanced view. As my husband's father used to say-"We are all entitled to our own ridiculous opinions" As far as finding fault with Mel Robbins, just like a recipe in a cookbook, there are few original ones. We gather and make it our own. Mel's words have been a life changer for 3 people in my life so I think it is important to figure out how we can stay connected with each other even with different opinions
Her book is not "excellent." She stole the whole idea from a poet. Can't remember her name. Mel Robbins is a very clever marketer of simplistic ideas. I tried to listen to a Katie Couric interview of her. She was blathering on about this idea, trying to make it sound like a profound discovery. There are numerous resources about setting boundaries with people. We didn't need her inane book.
I agree 100 percent. While I enjoy listening to Mel Robbins, she has repackaged tried and true self help ideas that I've been reading from other sources for decades. It's nothing new nor profound.
And there is yet another aspect. "Alligator Alcatraz" is a war crime. We led the world prosecuting the Germans for similar crimes after the Holocaust. Such a reckoning for our nation is quite likely for the behavior of those profoundly mistreating illegal immigrants.
I think also we need to be re-educating everyone that "America" is not just the US. The US is part of the Americas, North and South America, Latin America are all part of it. So many think that the United States IS America. When the current guy in office says he wants all "non-Americans" to have their birthright citizenship taken away, it makes no sense.
Sometimes it is difficult to speak up. At one time in my life, I would not have. Now, it's different. I don't care what people think about me. I don't have to carry a sign because I wear it. I have T-shirts that express the need for kindness, for DEI, and science and they all have LGBTQ colors. Yes, I get some ugly looks but also some smiles. It gives me the chance to protest any day I want to. Come on, people. Get your T-shirts on! Don't wait for protest day.
Absolutely right, John. The longer people go without a dissenting voice, the more likely they are to go along to get along. Nobody wants to be shunned from their circle, but better that than to remain in a hateful group. Be part of the solution, not part of the problem.
I love Ryan Holiday's books. He was one of the authors that got me reading philosophy. It's been very helpful in learning how to look at things during tough times.
I loved The Let Them Theory! I believe that, although the theory is applicable to just about all of us, Ms Robbin’s wrote it somewhat autobiographical. What I took from it was more “let me” do what is kind, compassionate, open minded, and thoughtful, and DON’T LET THEM get away with the disgusting, hateful, rhetoric that spews from their mouths. I have been so silent to those MAGA morons just to keep the peace. Well, no more! LET ME and DON’T LET THEM!
Don’t let them!! Best advice I have heard in a long time. We the people have power we just need to remember that and more importantly act!! Words matter actions matter.
Again, THANK YOU John. These are incredibly practical ways to be the resistance, especially when we feel we have no voice in the larger scheme of things. "Mel Robbins is correct: people’s opinions about us are not our business, but their violence toward other human beings is. When we become aware of that violence, then it’s time for an alternative theory." No truer words ever spoken. Violence towards other human beings is always our business.
John, I just want to say this piece gave me a powerful urge to stand up, raise a fist, and knock over a folding chair—preferably one being used at a school board meeting trying to ban Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.
I love Mel Robbins. Her advice is perfect when I’m trying not to engage with Aunt Carol’s gluten-free conspiracy theories at Thanksgiving. But when fascism shows up with a casserole and a clipboard? Yeah. I’m gonna have to say no. Politely. Loudly. And possibly while dressed as Lady Liberty holding a “Don’t Let Them” sign.
Your neighbor spouting racism over potato salad? Don’t let them. Your pastor trying to sneak a purity pledge into your kid’s Pride Month? Don’t let them. This isn’t about being the bigger person. It’s about being the louder, smarter, justice-seeking person who remembers that silence is not neutral. It’s complicity with better table manners.
This isn’t a rebuttal to Mel. It’s the remix. “Let them” when it’s your peace on the line. “Don’t let them” when someone else’s life is.
Thanks for handing us the mic and reminding us that the gospel of justice comes with a call to interrupt.
I made up my mind recently to use my privilege as an old white woman to do a bit more pushing back. I've always displayed bumper stickers so that people know where I stand. But I hosted a No Kings protest on June 14 where I thought I might get 3 dozen people. I came close to having 500! And just yesterday I had one of the participants email me to say how good it made her feel. Yesterday I wore my "Abortion Saved My Life" t-shirt to Target. This was a little out of my box. It isn't that I haven't talked about my abortion due to an ectopic pregnancy, but it is usually within a conversation. As I was shopping a young male employee said to me, "Is that true--what's on your shirt?" I explained that it was and that my heart breaks for every woman who has bled to death because they could not get the health care they needed. He replied, "We are living in some messed up world." I agreed. Two other women in the store commented that they liked my shirt. Just this past weekend I was at a class reunion and one of my classmates talked about how Somalian population in Minnesota was causing so much crime. Since I live in a city with the 2nd largest Somalian population in the US I told him that the Somalian population here was wonderful and that they are beautiful people. Then today I was getting some Diet Coke at a store and another woman about my age was also buying it. She commented that she was just like Trump and she even knew he has a button to call for my Diet Coke. I just looked at her and said that I hoped that was the only way I was like Trump. I wanted to say more, but decided not to. Anyway those are experiences just this week where I am trying to push back a little and I feel very good about it.
Love this Libby! Also old & white here...as well as a retired teacher. As I was reading the comments, I was about to write something similar to your post :) I'll simplify & say what we taught our students: When you see something, say something! My peace caps & tees also open doors for productive chats when out & about :)
I’m a retired teacher too!
Good for you Libby! It's up to all of us to do any little part we can play in course correcting this nightmare.
In other words “Don’t let them” trample on the human rights of others, our country, or our laws. Don’t let them change the face of America into a fascist regime. DON’T LET THEM!
I support John in this.
There’s a time for boundaries, detachment, and letting things go. There’s wisdom in the “Let Them” theory—especially in a world that constantly demands we contort ourselves into silence to keep the peace. But when that peace is a shallow grave for democracy? When silence is the currency of cruelty? When “letting them” means surrendering the commons to sadists in suits and cowards in pews? Then no, thank you. Not this time. Not this place. Not this soul.
“Don’t let them” isn’t a theory. It’s a commandment for the morally awake.
You don’t let them laugh their way through cruelty, not when that laughter echoes off the bones of people who were just trying to live.
You don’t let them rewrite the moral ledger to make persecution look like policy.
You don’t let them baptize fascism in the language of faith, or sell genocide under the banner of “security.”
You stand. You interrupt. You name the thing aloud, so that no one in the room can pretend not to see it. And you do it not because you like conflict—but because you love people.
This is where too many liberals, too many centrists, too many quiet moderates, too many “reasonable” conservatives have gone wrong: they mistook civility for virtue. They thought “don’t rock the boat” was wisdom. They believed neutrality made them noble.
It doesn’t. In the presence of injustice, neutrality is permission.
I worked inside the system for over two decades. I know how soft words become sharp weapons. I’ve seen how a memo can kill a movement. I’ve watched the logic of bureaucracy twist itself around cruelty until the two are indistinguishable. And what I learned is this:
If you give authoritarianism an inch—it doesn’t take a mile. It takes the map.
So no, we do not “let them.”
Not at the school board meeting.
Not at the family dinner.
Not at the city council vote.
Not in the sermon.
Not at the Pride event.
Not in the quiet corners of our own minds where shame and fear like to hide.
Fascism doesn’t arrive with a parade. It arrives with paperwork. With “pilot programs.” With “temporary powers.” With “common sense reforms.” And above all—with the silence of those who knew better but couldn’t be bothered.
We’re out of time for that now.
This is the line. Right here. Right now. Not because we want the fight, but because it’s already come for our neighbors. And when it comes for them, it comes for all of us.
So yes, by all means, protect your peace. Guard your energy. Don’t chase the approval of those who traded their empathy for access. But the moment that peace becomes complicity?
Don’t let them.
Because they’re counting on your silence.
They are banking on your exhaustion.
They believe you will sit this one out.
Prove them wrong
Out loud.
In public.
With love in one hand and truth in the other.
Let them go if they must.
But don’t let them take the soul of the country with them.
Just listened to Rascal Flatts "Stand" and it brought tears to my eyes. "Cause when push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of, you might bend 'til you break 'cause it's all you can take, on your knees you look up, Decide you've had enough, you get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off, Then you stand." One of my favorite lyrics of all time, especially now.
Awesome reply Dino!!!
We all build on each other and I think the important part of John's post is how we find ways to have a conversation with someone who has a very different opinion without it causing more division. Good discussions come from offering another perspective to give a more balanced view. As my husband's father used to say-"We are all entitled to our own ridiculous opinions" As far as finding fault with Mel Robbins, just like a recipe in a cookbook, there are few original ones. We gather and make it our own. Mel's words have been a life changer for 3 people in my life so I think it is important to figure out how we can stay connected with each other even with different opinions
Her book is not "excellent." She stole the whole idea from a poet. Can't remember her name. Mel Robbins is a very clever marketer of simplistic ideas. I tried to listen to a Katie Couric interview of her. She was blathering on about this idea, trying to make it sound like a profound discovery. There are numerous resources about setting boundaries with people. We didn't need her inane book.
I agree 100 percent. While I enjoy listening to Mel Robbins, she has repackaged tried and true self help ideas that I've been reading from other sources for decades. It's nothing new nor profound.
And there is yet another aspect. "Alligator Alcatraz" is a war crime. We led the world prosecuting the Germans for similar crimes after the Holocaust. Such a reckoning for our nation is quite likely for the behavior of those profoundly mistreating illegal immigrants.
I think also we need to be re-educating everyone that "America" is not just the US. The US is part of the Americas, North and South America, Latin America are all part of it. So many think that the United States IS America. When the current guy in office says he wants all "non-Americans" to have their birthright citizenship taken away, it makes no sense.
Couldn't agree more! May we all have the courage to stand up and don't let them wherever it presents. Thank you
Sometimes it is difficult to speak up. At one time in my life, I would not have. Now, it's different. I don't care what people think about me. I don't have to carry a sign because I wear it. I have T-shirts that express the need for kindness, for DEI, and science and they all have LGBTQ colors. Yes, I get some ugly looks but also some smiles. It gives me the chance to protest any day I want to. Come on, people. Get your T-shirts on! Don't wait for protest day.
Absolutely right, John. The longer people go without a dissenting voice, the more likely they are to go along to get along. Nobody wants to be shunned from their circle, but better that than to remain in a hateful group. Be part of the solution, not part of the problem.
I read this multiple times plus have the Audiobook.
She’s AMAZING! John…thanks for recommending to folks.
Mel’s other books are awesome as well…
“The 5 Second Rule”
“The High 5 Habit”
“Take Control of Your Life”
“Stop Saying You’re Fine”
“Here’s Exactly What To Do”
“Work It Out”
“Kick Ass”
A few other good reads are:
“The Obstacle is the Way” by Ryan Holiday
“Good Boundaries and Goodbyes” by Lysa TerKeurst
“Boundaries” by John Townsend and Dr. Henry Cloud
“Hope in the Dark” by Craig Groeschel
“The Myth of Normal” by Gabor Maté, MD
I love Ryan Holiday's books. He was one of the authors that got me reading philosophy. It's been very helpful in learning how to look at things during tough times.
Soooo good!!! I agree wholeheartedly with you.
I loved The Let Them Theory! I believe that, although the theory is applicable to just about all of us, Ms Robbin’s wrote it somewhat autobiographical. What I took from it was more “let me” do what is kind, compassionate, open minded, and thoughtful, and DON’T LET THEM get away with the disgusting, hateful, rhetoric that spews from their mouths. I have been so silent to those MAGA morons just to keep the peace. Well, no more! LET ME and DON’T LET THEM!
Don’t let them!! Best advice I have heard in a long time. We the people have power we just need to remember that and more importantly act!! Words matter actions matter.
Again, THANK YOU John. These are incredibly practical ways to be the resistance, especially when we feel we have no voice in the larger scheme of things. "Mel Robbins is correct: people’s opinions about us are not our business, but their violence toward other human beings is. When we become aware of that violence, then it’s time for an alternative theory." No truer words ever spoken. Violence towards other human beings is always our business.
John, I just want to say this piece gave me a powerful urge to stand up, raise a fist, and knock over a folding chair—preferably one being used at a school board meeting trying to ban Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.
I love Mel Robbins. Her advice is perfect when I’m trying not to engage with Aunt Carol’s gluten-free conspiracy theories at Thanksgiving. But when fascism shows up with a casserole and a clipboard? Yeah. I’m gonna have to say no. Politely. Loudly. And possibly while dressed as Lady Liberty holding a “Don’t Let Them” sign.
Your neighbor spouting racism over potato salad? Don’t let them. Your pastor trying to sneak a purity pledge into your kid’s Pride Month? Don’t let them. This isn’t about being the bigger person. It’s about being the louder, smarter, justice-seeking person who remembers that silence is not neutral. It’s complicity with better table manners.
This isn’t a rebuttal to Mel. It’s the remix. “Let them” when it’s your peace on the line. “Don’t let them” when someone else’s life is.
Thanks for handing us the mic and reminding us that the gospel of justice comes with a call to interrupt.
Such great advice. Thank you.