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Peggy Fokkema's avatar

No I'm sure we won't.. A couple months ago I wrote my mother a letter saying goodbye cuz we won't even see each other again.. She is 97. But sound body and mind or i thought. No response..I expressed my love to her and it is sad.

2 days ago I texted goodbye to my older sister again I said that her and mother consider me the ENEMY..I said I don't consider you my enemy, but I do Trump.. I'm ready to do it with my other 3 siblings. So difficult.. But not new.. On that they never have accepted me, acknowledged out truly loved I guess.

The biggest thing to this is that after that. I felt a load lifted..I no longer need to sell for something they freely give each other... I'm done and running the other way .I can finally let go of my hope, in my mother's case , that we could reconcile.. The indoctrinating of Calvinism somehow has more holes than it already did. It had made for a very difficult life . So now at 62. I can say f*** Calvinism for the first time and not fear I will be sent to hell...I am finally o.k.

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Marci Struzinski's avatar

Thank you for sharing Peggy...this is what I grieve these days....the loss of relationships. An election will not fix this.

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Maria K.'s avatar

Because you already know - you have seen what they stand for. That won't change.

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Gail Spake's avatar

I feel compelled to recommend to you (if you don't know it already) the poem by Mary Oliver titled "The Journey." It's a celebrated poem, and I think that's because there are so many of us who wrangle through untenable relationships and circumstances, but in the end, as Mary Oliver puts it, "as you strode deeper and deeper / into the world, / determined to do / the only thing you could do-- / determined to save / the only life you could save." The body of the poem is so apropros of all that we throw ourselves into as we try to love and stay open to those we love, but in the end must sometimes walk away from toxicity that's outside our control. I've been where you are. It is like a death, even though the people who are omitted from your life are still existing. I just love them from afar while living into the life I cherish and am grateful for--my own. Calvanism brought my ancestors her from Switzerland in the 1700s. Even then, they set their lives up as the ultimate victims, incapable of integrating into the larger society. Basically, nope; just nope. You'll be loved and loving.

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Barb Hirsch-Giller's avatar

My favorite poem in the world. So perfect for now! You are so right! I just ache with the pain and anger. But I was taught by my father that unless everyone has something, no one has anything. We are Jewish and while we are not terribly observant, we were immersed in the presumption that seeking justice and practicing lovingkindness is at the basis of living a moral life.

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Peggy Fokkema's avatar

Thank you Gail I'm gonna look for it!

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Susan Farrell's avatar

This piece is so "right on". I literally lost my sister to the cult of Fox News. We once had a loving relationship that is now totally superficial. When we talk, I feel I am walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around topics that won't get us into an argument. The worst part is she will throw out Fox sound bites, without looking at the facts. If I try to correct her, there's tension in the air and our phone call soon ends. We used to talk weekly-now it's monthly if that. It's all very sad.

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Robot Bender's avatar

I lost my only sibling (older sister) the same way decades ago through Rush and his like. She disowned me over her radical political and religious beliefs. To be honest, it was a relief, though a sad one. I've lost my best friend, too. Propaganda works.

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Gloria Berlin's avatar

I know what you mean. When Trump won I was weeping for about a week and all I wanted to do was talk to my sister and I could not. And then I wonder, how could this beautiful loving woman not see what's going on?

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Peggy Fokkema's avatar

I understand the relief.. Coupled with grief

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L Turner's avatar

It sometimes seems like we’ve entered a real-life version of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” - these folks look like our beloved family and friends but their hearts and intellect have irrevocably changed. It’s an utter tragedy.

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Robot Bender's avatar

That 1950s story/movie was actually about Communism. Many didn't make the connection back then. When you know that, it really changes how you understand the movie.

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L Turner's avatar

It’s pretty apropos then - maga folks are not communists obviously, but they do exhibit a single-mindedness when it comes to thoughts and beliefs and actions. They seem wary about bucking the trend. They’re willing to humiliate themselves for Trump. They have a uniform.

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Susan Martin's avatar

You nailed it.

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Claire Baney-Tucker's avatar

My husband and I divorced as he became more indoctrinated. Daily, in a loud almost abusive voice, he quoted the AM radio jocks and Fox commentators. I begged him to stop but he couldn’t do that. This is a good man, very smart and kind.

Heartbreaking for both of us.

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Gloria Berlin's avatar

I'm so sorry.

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Claire Baney-Tucker's avatar

Thank you, Gloria. We are attempting a decent friendship, as his son (my stepson) is a special needs person and I will remain his advocate until I draw my last breath.

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Gloria Berlin's avatar

You are a special woman! He's really your son too!! 💖

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Marci Struzinski's avatar

Claire, I'm so sorry...Your comment "this is a good man, very smart and kind" makes the point of the contradiction so many of us deal with in regard to friends, family and others we thought we knew.. It's hard to reconcile what we know of someone, and their decision to continue their support for this man and his party. If you've ever heard Rudy Giulani's daughter speak, she articulates this heartache. My husband and I are 100% on the same page and we do not take for granted what we have. Brainwashing is real. We watched other countries become radicalized and thought it couldn't happen here.

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Peggy Fokkema's avatar

Sorry

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Barbara Rexroat's avatar

I have lost my two brothers to the cult. My oldest brother texted me on the day it was announced that Trump won. His comment was that “you must really be sad 😂😂”. I told him that he voted for hate and I was done with his hate toward me. Then I blocked his phone number. His anger and hate had been projected at me for unknown reasons for years. I told myself I was no longer going to allow him to pour his anger over me. I continued to text with my sister-in-law but just Wordle puzzles. She no longer shared anything else with me. I texted her one day that I wouldn’t be texting anymore. I told her dealing directly with those who voted for Trump and the cult hate was creating too much anger within me. Then I blocked and stopped communicating with my middle brother. He said he couldn’t vote for a woman and his comments were hateful on social media. Then I had to stop communicating with a lifelong school mate. She kept spewing hate about immigrants. Every tv in their home was always on Fox News. The indoctrination had done its damage. I feel better standing up for myself by helping at protests, calling my red state rep and senators every day. I’m 75, I’m doing what I can. I won’t be quiet. My dad was a WW2 navy veteran. I like to think that my parents are appalled by what’s happening but they are proud of me.

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Leigh Horne's avatar

I love your passion, John, echoing as it does the passion Jesus showed in both his encouraging teachings, which illustrated the way to live right, an his discouraging or chastising ones, in which he confronted wrong-doers with their harmful behaviors. And I feel for you. I grew up out west but was born in the deep south of southern parents, with whom, as I matured, I developed many conflicts. My dad, who I loved dearly, nonetheless harbored deeply held racist convictions, and my mom, by following the cultural convictions of her day about the place of women, discarded the 'talents' she was given, like the unworthy servant of the parable. She was an award-winning journalist who set all that aside in order to bake tuna casseroles and make sure the front room was dusted. And I survived them and their disguised depression. And so can you. The God we worship is a loving god, which doesn't mean 'nice,' and does mean infinitely loving, merciful, compassionate and creative beyond belief. A God who makes good use of our foibles to help us, by the left hand path, begin to appreciate true right and true wrong. I'm sorry about your losses; I know they are painful, and we're all afraid things will get worse. But that's only our heads speaking. In our hearts, we most truly believe that we shall overcome.

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Bonnie Sommer's avatar

Very well put. Thank you.

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Marci Struzinski's avatar

John, your writing touches me...this piece made me cry. No election will fix what is lost — We were once united as Americans with values that guided us no matter our political party. Now, we are divided. I do not believe there is a fix for this at least not in my lifetime....for this a grieve. Half of my family I can't share this with.

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Susan Martin's avatar

An important phrase in your writing is in my lifetime. Wr are meant to sow seeds even when we will never see them sprout. This is a hard road.

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Tracy Chappell's avatar

I have lost my cousins to right wing propaganda. I have lost

2 of my closest Christian friends for decades to right wing propaganda. I had to leave a church that I once loved because I woke up to the wrongness of their preaching that you cannot be a Christian and vote Democrat because of abortion being the murder of babies that should always be illegal, even. In the case of rape. I finally saw through the baked in misogyny and the hateful self-righteousness that condemned everyone else who didn’t share their views. Thank God I found the Episcopal Church. I am finally with Christians who believe in accepting and loving others, whoever they are and wherever they come from.

I have been accused by cousins and these same old friends and church members as being so full of hate that they don’t know me anymore. Projection much? I have been very hurt and am very angry that I’ve had to go through all that and that they are destroying American freedom and democracy. I don’t hate them. I hate that they won’t listen to anything but their right wing Nazi bullshit propaganda. If they don’t care enough to listen openly to my views and what I have to say, then they really don’t care about me after all. I feel like I have to separate from them for my own sanity and so I can relax and get my breath. They were literally making me feel suffocated. I only see this in hindsight, when I got away and alone with God and to the loving church where God led me.

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Robot Bender's avatar

When supposed Christians think The Beatitudes are "woke, liberal propaganda," it's too late for them. We can't change their minds. They have to do that themselves.

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Star Aasved's avatar

I am not a Christian but support many of the teachings of Jesus. How sad that those who espouse Christianity do not think the same.

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Roxana Chitu's avatar

Let's all pray that " these moms and ministers and nurses and schoolteachers and football coaches and favorite relatives get a truer story or meet someone who wakes them up, or that they rediscover Jesus enough that they change the channel, turn off the TV, escape this hateful cult—and find the truth that truly sets them free:

God is love.

The world is bigger than America (amin 🙏)

We are our brother's keeper.

Kindness is the better path."

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Teresa's avatar

I love my 91 yo father. He remarried after Mom died. Now there is a rifle hanging over his fireplace. His new wife has her picture by the word MAGA in the dictionary. A few yrs ago i pushed Dad on why he votes MAGA. He replied they just align more with my values. I replied, whats that cruelty, disdain for the poor? My Dad was a depression era child with outhouses and he made his work in a union factory. But now he wont spare a hungry man a dime.

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Kathryn Wyatt's avatar

I'm sorry Teresa. That is heartbreaking.

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L Babbey's avatar

Same with my husband. I love him, but he is not the man I married. I am grieving...

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Pam J's avatar

I'm not the person my husband married. I've changed, for the better. Life and exposure to a much larger world burst the evangelical indoctrination bubble. Now I'm more open and accepting (but still have internal work to do). I don't like the beliefs and attitudes I had before, but I'm thankful that I've been able to grow out of them. My husband hasn't changed and it's difficult. Do I leave for my mental peace? Do I stay and try to educate? It's difficult.

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Mike A's avatar

Pam, on the self change piece, I understand it. I was a Rush and Sean fan, watched Fox News at home, and had a friend pool that was very anti-immigrant, racist and toxically homophobic. It rubbed off on me in that I joined in on the cruel rhetoric to remain in my friendships I had at the time, and I am now ashamed of that. My epiphany was 2020, when the orange one said we could inject bleach to cure covid. I started reading books and articles by people who had left the administration. The overlap of events and the accuracy with which they lined up was eye opening. I then started reading analyses of how the republicans played the long game from the 70s and 80s and how they essentially used the evangelical base as their springboard. As to not liking the beliefs and attitudes you (well, "we") had before, I find comfort in my metamorphosis. I could stay hateful and cruel, or I could change. Despite a complete fruit basket turnover of my social circle, I actually like the new me so much better. I have also found that those "evil democrats" are actually the nice ones, and many of them have opened new friendships with me with open arms.

I wish I had advice on the marital part of your quandary. My wife was independent with a left leaning tendency. She went further left with me (she actually was slightly ahead of me), and we are each others' support as we deal with losses of family and friends. The losses have skyrocketed since January 2025. I am sorry you have not had the same experience.

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Kathryn Wyatt's avatar

Wow, Mike, That is impressive -- your open-mindedness, humility, and willingness to consult resources presumably outside your comfort zone. I am happy for you that your wife is with you in your journey and that you support each other through the losses. Good to hear you are finding new, welcoming friends among the Democrats! Thanks for sharing your story. You give me hope, much needed. 💙

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Julie Massey's avatar

Pam, have you considered counseling? If you can afford it, I have a wonderful tele-therapist who has over 30 years of experience. Let me know, and I can send you her information.

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MARJORIE Ann LIVINGSTON's avatar

Every day you hit it out of the park with your amazing gift of expression through words. This one was exceptional! So many of your readers are feeling that disconnect from family and friends. I am enduring such separation; but know keeping my Christ center supercedes any compromise in living TRUTH. Thank you always for your daily wisdom.

Marjorie Livingston

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Julie Burchstead's avatar

I am realizing, no matter how we find our way through all of this, the underbelly of the world has been exposed. It cannot be unseen. Perhaps I wore rose colored glasses for much of my life. But once upon a time, though I might have experienced a difference in politics with others, It seemed at least we still shared the basic life values of kindness, and empathy. But I no longer think that. I live in a very red area of a blue state. It was the last affordable area we could find, after returning from a decade on the East Coast-caring for my husbands parent. We wanted to return home to be close to family, near a VA for my husband's needs. Housing had exploded in cost while we were gone. So we landed here, in a quiet neighborhood in a small red town. There is community here-but it is a minority. I own a horse still. But have to board it these days. Here, the majority of horse people and boarding facilities are fiercely Trumpist. I tried to bridge it. To focus on our common interests. On many levels they seemed lovely people. We could talk wildflowers and butterflies on the trails. But then I would see what they posted on social media. Once, one vomited Trumpist nonsense all over my page. Another day, I came into a group, and they were laughing about Nancy's Pelosi's husband being assaulted. I said, I found it tragic that anyone-no matter their party, should now have to worry about the safety of themselves or their family because of their work on behalf of our country. They got quiet. I realized I had to find a new place to move my horse. There aren't many-close and affordable and safe. Fewer still with trails to access on premises. But horse time in the woods is one of my solaces-and as my horse ages, and husband's health deteriorates, time I am not sure I will have a lot longer. I need that time to be sacred. I could no longer tolerate sharing it with those who wore their "Christianity" so loudly, yet supported such cruelty towards others. Those who supported, excused, justified, and voted for such a bad bad man. Fortunately, days before the election, I did find a new home for my horse. It has fewer physical amenities, but it has peace. When asked why I was leaving, I told the truth. I have no regrets. But I find myself warier of strangers in this new world.

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Kathryn Wyatt's avatar

I am sorry, Julie. This sounds very difficult. I am happy you have found a better place. Also, your courage in speaking the truth when you left inspires me. It is a great contribution to speak the truth in these times. Blessings to you my friend.

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Anita Philp's avatar

Two of my oldest and dearest friends were the first that I recognized as having succumbed to this ideology. The realization occurred during the early days of the pandemic. This continues to be painful to me and likely always will be. Still, I am fortunate to the extent that none of my closest family members have turned.

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Lynn O’Neal's avatar

I have no rabid maga family that I know of, but because they are die-hard republicans, it hardly seems to matter. Yes, they say, he’s odious, but “democratic policies…”.

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