Lately, I confess that I’ve been imagining myself in a way I never have before in over a half-century of living here in America: I’m imagining myself as an expat.
Incredibly close to how I feel. No. Exactly how I feel. I’ve restacked this to my own readers and hope each successive reader does the same. Thankfully we are not alone and must find the strength necessary to navigate the coming years with this disgusting person as our President.
Exactly how I feel, too. I no longer want to see (former) friends and family members who voted for this imminent travesty.
I want to stay and resist on one hand, but being older, also wish I could leave. But no one wants me, including my own country, as I am a child-free cat lady (and I use the term, "lady", very loosely, especially since 2016. ; )
A peaceful New Year to everyone. Well, I can still dream, right?
Up to this year, I never thought I really "needed" a pastor. I thought I could "tough anything out."
When I was growing up with a mother who was a prescription drug addict, and rotated four doctors and four pharmacies to maintain the source of her supply of Valium, Librium and Miltown, and a father who was a binge drinker with a very violent temper who battered my brothers and me -- I figured out what I needed to do to keep the house maintained, the meals cooked, the laundry washed, the bills paid (at ten years old!)-- and stuck a proverbial steel ramrod down my back and I toughed it out.
When I was a young, gay man in my 20s, and finding out just how mean people in the U.S. Deep South could be towards gay men who just simply wanted to have a job and make a living, I accepted it as "this is life if you are gay" and I toughed it out.
When I met my first partner, who turned out to be an addict who battered (who could have seen THAT coming! /s), I figured having a partner who was an addict and a batterer was still better than having no partner at all, and I toughed it out.
When my first partner was killed in a pedestrian/automobile accident (he was the pedestrian), I organized his funeral (he had alienated so many people in his life that only six people attended, and no one from his family), went through his stuff, retained that which was savable, and discarded the rest. Once again, I toughed it out. (I was so tough I didn't even cry through that whole, miserable process. I now wish I had. I didn't regain the ability to cry until I was 60.)
When I went into the hospital thinking I had appendicitis, and came out missing my appendix AND my ascending colon AND two feet of small intestine; and the surgeon came in while I was recovering and told me they had found a stage IIb malignant tumor next to my appendix and the oncologist would come in the next day to discuss next steps, I toughed it out. (Chemotherapy is HELL, but I toughed that out, too.)
The next year, I met a young man who became the partner I have lived with for 35 years. (Remember: "gay relationships never last.") There have been ups, and downs; and we've had our share of triumphs and problems; and he's certainly not perfect (and neither am I) but we've made it work, and I love him.
When I found a really nice position in a company I believed in, working with people whose mission I supported and they supported me; and 10 years later that company was bought by another company who gutted the company I had worked for, I toughed it out.
When I applied to 1430 jobs over the next four years (this was during the Great "Recession") to get six interviews, and my self-worth went into the toilet - and flushed, I toughed it out.
When we moved north, out of Texas, and I finally landed a job -- with a supervisor who was a Christian Nationalist who wasn't the least bit happy about supervising an older, gay man. On the day I turned 66 1/2 called me into his office to tell me what day during that month I was planning on retiring -- I toughed it out. (I also took two weeks' vacation starting that day, came back, and resigned 15 minutes before the end of my shift. I work in an "at-will" state, and one can quit for any (or no) reason, at any time.)
When I had the flu, and afterwards developed a cough which would not go away -- I finally went to the doctor to find out that I had developed pulmonary fibrosis, which is even more fatal than rabies. NO ONE survives pulmonary fibrosis. (The trigger for this disease actually occurred 60 years earlier, because both of my parents were three-pack-a-day smokers.) My sister has COPD. Neither one of us has smoked a day in my life. Not only did I tough it out when I got the diagnosis, but my response to the doctor was, "Should I make chicken or pork enchiladas for dinner this evening?" which seriously weirded out the pulmonologist. That was four years ago. I was supposed to be dead two years ago, but I've got a very good pulmonologist who has been able to slow the progress of the disease; and as we'd say in Texas, "I ain't dead, yet."
COVID came, and in one year I lost three relatives (two of them close relatives) and four close friends, all of whom died of the disease. That was the equivalent of a magnitude 9.0 earthquake in my life, but I still toughed it out -- though at this point, I think God was wondering, "What's it going to take to get through to this guy?!"
That same year, my 16 year old cat had a sudden stroke and died within eight hours. I loved that cat. She had seen me through the loss of a job, sending out 1400 applications to try to get an interview, the move out of Texas, and the Supervisor From Hell -- and just like that, she was gone. THAT brought me to my knees. I absolutely blew a gasket when someone, whom I suppose thought she was trying to be comforting, threw out that age-old canard, "God never gives us more than we can handle." Remember Sally Field's famous scene in "Steel Magnolias"? I went full-on M'Lynn on the person who said that to me, except that there was no Clairee Belcher or Ouiser Boudreaux to temper my fury. At that point, I still believed in God - except that now I thoroughly despised God.
Eventually, I pulled myself together, joined a very progressive Episcopal church, got my life back on track, and reconciled with God -- and then Donold Trump decided to run for President. He didn't just lie during the campaign -- he told WHOPPERS, and when confronted on those whoppers, refused to back down. He appealed to the very worst instincts of his followers, the MAGA. I thought: "SURELY Americans are better than this. SURELY they wouldn't elect an AntiChrist as President!"
And then they DID elect him, over an intelligent and compassionate woman who just happened to be black -- and for the first time in 70 years, I truly wondered if God had turned its back on us, had GIVEN US UP (Romans 1:24), and was leaving us to our own devices. I wondered if I could even remain a Christian. I finally reached the precipice of remaining theistic, or becoming an atheist. (The atheists seemed to be coping very well with Trump's election, and were already mobilizing against him. You will never hear me say a single bad thing about atheists.)
The day after Trump's election, I came down with pneumonia. Pneumonia in people who have normal lungs is profoundly unpleasant. Pneumonia in people with compromised lungs can be life threatening. I had to ask myself, repeatedly, just how much I wanted to live given what's coming starting January 20. Six weeks later, I have gotten my blood oxygen saturation levels up to 90. They should be 96, but that's still better than 80.
While recovering, I read a long article about the German Evangelical Church in the 1930s, who had no problems with Hitler and were only happy to go along with Hitler, to the point of agreeing that Hitler was the "new Messiah". I read about the Confessing Church who were having no part of Hitler, or the Nazis, or their apostasy. It was here I realized if I was going to remain a Christian, I would be a part of the new "Confessing Church" -- and for the first time in my 70 years on the planet, I really NEEDED a pastor.
It was a long process; and it was certainly circuitous -- but here I am; and here you are.
Mark, thank you for telling your story. Your life story is a reminder to never give up, no matter how dire things seem. You're still here for a reason. Your work is not yet done and your strength is needed.
Wow! Thank you so very much, very much for sharing all this. It’s incredible that you “toughed it out” through all that, but you did. I personally believe that God was with you every step of the way, bringing you here to join with all of us.
Thank you< mark, for taking the time to write out so many major events of your full and challenging life. I am inspired by your faithful tenacity. Thank you for hanging in and hanging on, and for bravely and vulnerably sharing your story here. Deep peace to you...
To leave means that they won….not just the election but the fight for democracy. As much as we might want to abandon ship, those who believe in the core beliefs of our democracy, our Constitution, and our freedom must not loose our voice. After all, the margin of victory was so slim it was not a mandate for change but a wake up call to stand up for our country and our democracy.
I hear you. I agree. I hope we see the vision and leadership coming from somewhere that can turn this ship around. I don't want to leave the only country I have ever known. One of our founding fathers talked about the continuous fight that is needed to attain democracy - to deserve democracy. I don't want to hand over what our foreparents fought and died for. I don't want to let the bad guys win. I'm in my mid-sixties and I am just fed up.
I will join you. I will send money, I will speak up, remain a citizen and vote... It's just very likely I will do this from afar.
We who voted to keep this gruesome person out of office are the ones with a mandate to do what's right, not him and his legion of compromised followers. Remember that he acquired high office by employing a firehose of lies versus his enemies for decades, and by attacking the character of persons who actually have one. Also, by grifting millions out of their livelihoods and leaving them in the ditch. The only antidote to this depravity is to step up and resist. This mobster did not even get 50% of the popular vote.
I've never been so appalled. I am not in a position to go elsewhere like some who can financially go anywhere they want to build a new life. Good for them. But I'll be damned if I'll just sit back and be complacent while a minority of cruel, heartless individuals power over an entire nation. Yes, some Americans were just stupid in their choices given what all of us already knew about this orange embarrassment, including those who did not vote. But there are plenty of us who love this country enough to stand up to domestic terrorists. The utter chaos and nonsense that already swirls here, including the disgusting way the corporate mediate spins utter insanity into something other than what it really is, is NOT representative of an entire nation. My hope is that those who have been our allies will know this. We are disgusted and ashamed of the incoming incompetence.
We cannot back down even if the feeling is to do so. The American way of life has been honed and improved far too long to give up on a plan our founding father’s generated. It is hard to hear of ignorant posts on Truth Social and the whitewashing done by corporate press.
As I am writing this I just see President Carter has passed away. What a gracious man who taught the world humility and humanism of freedom. I hate to mix his legacy with the previous comments about the leadership embarrassment we are about to suffer.
It’s true, the embarrassment is very prevalent having been traveling In Europe of late. Friends and people have asked”what’s going on over there, WTF”? The simple answer is an amalgamation of ignorant sheeple who have been driven astray by hook or crook, and a political party that is afraid to stand up to a bully. Thus, the political pig sty that has penned us in amongst a brainwashed society of bravado over bravery. Eventually the fences will wither and greener pastures will prevail with a beacon on the hill once again. A house of cards built on lies and fear will not stand for long in a principled society that has always been admired for its inclusivity.
I appreciate your optimism, since I, too, am trying to be optimistic. I never thought I’d need the Serenity Prayer, but now I say it every morning. I’m just waiting for God to show me what things I can change at 81 with limited income. Anger is self destructive.
Thanks for this very honest description on how you are feeling these days. I am encouraged that you are choosing to stay put to bring your wisdom and truth to the situation in America as it is unfolding in so many regressive ways. I would say that you are welcome in Canada which feels relatively safe and friendly these days however we are also in the grip of fear as your future President threatens us verbally to become your newest State! who would have thought? I have faith that the wise and compassionate people of America and the world will continue to keep your country on the right path - the hope of Christmas.
Although his election was unimaginable to most of us, the majority of those who voted in November did not vote for him. We have a lot of people thinking the way we do - (loved Freaked-Out and Facepalmed). It hurts to see the country that was always the greatest in the world in every measure for most of my life (born in the 50s) but our democratic ideals will win out and we will correct the things that need to be corrected and be vigilant for anything like this ever happening again.
It really has been a daily struggle since Nov 5th when the unthinkable happened, hasn't it? Thank you John for capturing the pain, sorrow and embarrassment. I'm still in the grief stages, all of them at once it seems, and looking forward to the day when the ground stops moving. Appreciate everyone here and on other comment pages who remind us everyday that we are not alone.
John Pavlovitz, you nailed it again. I have found Robert Reich’s newsletter today: “What are they really seeking?” A very helpful companion to your letter today. Check it out on substack. We need to understand what we are up against. Understand the potential gaslighting language and old definitions that we need to not get tripped up by as we decide our forward actions. We need to understand what these Robber Barrons 2.0 really are angling for. We need to know this for ourselves, AND for others who are not ready to reengage with politics/“news” yet. We need to be there to help foster understanding, encourage effective action when they are ready and curious. John, you are here for us. And We need to pass the baton along in our own spheres of friends and influence.
What a beautiful essay. Thanks for posting it. As I write this note I am in Canada (Vancouver BC) for several months making a plan with my family to move here if they will even let Americans in. I wouldn't blame them if they don't. The people in Vancouver are warm, friendly and helpful. No school shootings and no guns. I've been here now a total of 3 months (one month last year, two months this year), and I have not seen a police car or cop anywhere - even in the neighborhood with a lot of homeless people. After the situation in Gaza and so many other places in the world, I have started to feel like my taxes are funding crimes against humanity especially in Gaza.
Incredibly close to how I feel. No. Exactly how I feel. I’ve restacked this to my own readers and hope each successive reader does the same. Thankfully we are not alone and must find the strength necessary to navigate the coming years with this disgusting person as our President.
president with a small p.
Exactly how I feel, too. I no longer want to see (former) friends and family members who voted for this imminent travesty.
I want to stay and resist on one hand, but being older, also wish I could leave. But no one wants me, including my own country, as I am a child-free cat lady (and I use the term, "lady", very loosely, especially since 2016. ; )
A peaceful New Year to everyone. Well, I can still dream, right?
Up to this year, I never thought I really "needed" a pastor. I thought I could "tough anything out."
When I was growing up with a mother who was a prescription drug addict, and rotated four doctors and four pharmacies to maintain the source of her supply of Valium, Librium and Miltown, and a father who was a binge drinker with a very violent temper who battered my brothers and me -- I figured out what I needed to do to keep the house maintained, the meals cooked, the laundry washed, the bills paid (at ten years old!)-- and stuck a proverbial steel ramrod down my back and I toughed it out.
When I was a young, gay man in my 20s, and finding out just how mean people in the U.S. Deep South could be towards gay men who just simply wanted to have a job and make a living, I accepted it as "this is life if you are gay" and I toughed it out.
When I met my first partner, who turned out to be an addict who battered (who could have seen THAT coming! /s), I figured having a partner who was an addict and a batterer was still better than having no partner at all, and I toughed it out.
When my first partner was killed in a pedestrian/automobile accident (he was the pedestrian), I organized his funeral (he had alienated so many people in his life that only six people attended, and no one from his family), went through his stuff, retained that which was savable, and discarded the rest. Once again, I toughed it out. (I was so tough I didn't even cry through that whole, miserable process. I now wish I had. I didn't regain the ability to cry until I was 60.)
When I went into the hospital thinking I had appendicitis, and came out missing my appendix AND my ascending colon AND two feet of small intestine; and the surgeon came in while I was recovering and told me they had found a stage IIb malignant tumor next to my appendix and the oncologist would come in the next day to discuss next steps, I toughed it out. (Chemotherapy is HELL, but I toughed that out, too.)
The next year, I met a young man who became the partner I have lived with for 35 years. (Remember: "gay relationships never last.") There have been ups, and downs; and we've had our share of triumphs and problems; and he's certainly not perfect (and neither am I) but we've made it work, and I love him.
When I found a really nice position in a company I believed in, working with people whose mission I supported and they supported me; and 10 years later that company was bought by another company who gutted the company I had worked for, I toughed it out.
When I applied to 1430 jobs over the next four years (this was during the Great "Recession") to get six interviews, and my self-worth went into the toilet - and flushed, I toughed it out.
When we moved north, out of Texas, and I finally landed a job -- with a supervisor who was a Christian Nationalist who wasn't the least bit happy about supervising an older, gay man. On the day I turned 66 1/2 called me into his office to tell me what day during that month I was planning on retiring -- I toughed it out. (I also took two weeks' vacation starting that day, came back, and resigned 15 minutes before the end of my shift. I work in an "at-will" state, and one can quit for any (or no) reason, at any time.)
When I had the flu, and afterwards developed a cough which would not go away -- I finally went to the doctor to find out that I had developed pulmonary fibrosis, which is even more fatal than rabies. NO ONE survives pulmonary fibrosis. (The trigger for this disease actually occurred 60 years earlier, because both of my parents were three-pack-a-day smokers.) My sister has COPD. Neither one of us has smoked a day in my life. Not only did I tough it out when I got the diagnosis, but my response to the doctor was, "Should I make chicken or pork enchiladas for dinner this evening?" which seriously weirded out the pulmonologist. That was four years ago. I was supposed to be dead two years ago, but I've got a very good pulmonologist who has been able to slow the progress of the disease; and as we'd say in Texas, "I ain't dead, yet."
COVID came, and in one year I lost three relatives (two of them close relatives) and four close friends, all of whom died of the disease. That was the equivalent of a magnitude 9.0 earthquake in my life, but I still toughed it out -- though at this point, I think God was wondering, "What's it going to take to get through to this guy?!"
That same year, my 16 year old cat had a sudden stroke and died within eight hours. I loved that cat. She had seen me through the loss of a job, sending out 1400 applications to try to get an interview, the move out of Texas, and the Supervisor From Hell -- and just like that, she was gone. THAT brought me to my knees. I absolutely blew a gasket when someone, whom I suppose thought she was trying to be comforting, threw out that age-old canard, "God never gives us more than we can handle." Remember Sally Field's famous scene in "Steel Magnolias"? I went full-on M'Lynn on the person who said that to me, except that there was no Clairee Belcher or Ouiser Boudreaux to temper my fury. At that point, I still believed in God - except that now I thoroughly despised God.
Eventually, I pulled myself together, joined a very progressive Episcopal church, got my life back on track, and reconciled with God -- and then Donold Trump decided to run for President. He didn't just lie during the campaign -- he told WHOPPERS, and when confronted on those whoppers, refused to back down. He appealed to the very worst instincts of his followers, the MAGA. I thought: "SURELY Americans are better than this. SURELY they wouldn't elect an AntiChrist as President!"
And then they DID elect him, over an intelligent and compassionate woman who just happened to be black -- and for the first time in 70 years, I truly wondered if God had turned its back on us, had GIVEN US UP (Romans 1:24), and was leaving us to our own devices. I wondered if I could even remain a Christian. I finally reached the precipice of remaining theistic, or becoming an atheist. (The atheists seemed to be coping very well with Trump's election, and were already mobilizing against him. You will never hear me say a single bad thing about atheists.)
The day after Trump's election, I came down with pneumonia. Pneumonia in people who have normal lungs is profoundly unpleasant. Pneumonia in people with compromised lungs can be life threatening. I had to ask myself, repeatedly, just how much I wanted to live given what's coming starting January 20. Six weeks later, I have gotten my blood oxygen saturation levels up to 90. They should be 96, but that's still better than 80.
While recovering, I read a long article about the German Evangelical Church in the 1930s, who had no problems with Hitler and were only happy to go along with Hitler, to the point of agreeing that Hitler was the "new Messiah". I read about the Confessing Church who were having no part of Hitler, or the Nazis, or their apostasy. It was here I realized if I was going to remain a Christian, I would be a part of the new "Confessing Church" -- and for the first time in my 70 years on the planet, I really NEEDED a pastor.
It was a long process; and it was certainly circuitous -- but here I am; and here you are.
I am SO sorry for everything you've been thru, but glad that you are still here. Us lovers of democracy must stick together. 💙🫂💙
Mark, thank you for telling your story. Your life story is a reminder to never give up, no matter how dire things seem. You're still here for a reason. Your work is not yet done and your strength is needed.
Wow! Thank you so very much, very much for sharing all this. It’s incredible that you “toughed it out” through all that, but you did. I personally believe that God was with you every step of the way, bringing you here to join with all of us.
Thank you< mark, for taking the time to write out so many major events of your full and challenging life. I am inspired by your faithful tenacity. Thank you for hanging in and hanging on, and for bravely and vulnerably sharing your story here. Deep peace to you...
To leave means that they won….not just the election but the fight for democracy. As much as we might want to abandon ship, those who believe in the core beliefs of our democracy, our Constitution, and our freedom must not loose our voice. After all, the margin of victory was so slim it was not a mandate for change but a wake up call to stand up for our country and our democracy.
I hear you. I agree. I hope we see the vision and leadership coming from somewhere that can turn this ship around. I don't want to leave the only country I have ever known. One of our founding fathers talked about the continuous fight that is needed to attain democracy - to deserve democracy. I don't want to hand over what our foreparents fought and died for. I don't want to let the bad guys win. I'm in my mid-sixties and I am just fed up.
I will join you. I will send money, I will speak up, remain a citizen and vote... It's just very likely I will do this from afar.
I am very worried about my fellow neurodivergents. We are not ok. I am concerned we are going to see a rise in suicides.
We who voted to keep this gruesome person out of office are the ones with a mandate to do what's right, not him and his legion of compromised followers. Remember that he acquired high office by employing a firehose of lies versus his enemies for decades, and by attacking the character of persons who actually have one. Also, by grifting millions out of their livelihoods and leaving them in the ditch. The only antidote to this depravity is to step up and resist. This mobster did not even get 50% of the popular vote.
Right on!! 💙
I've never been so appalled. I am not in a position to go elsewhere like some who can financially go anywhere they want to build a new life. Good for them. But I'll be damned if I'll just sit back and be complacent while a minority of cruel, heartless individuals power over an entire nation. Yes, some Americans were just stupid in their choices given what all of us already knew about this orange embarrassment, including those who did not vote. But there are plenty of us who love this country enough to stand up to domestic terrorists. The utter chaos and nonsense that already swirls here, including the disgusting way the corporate mediate spins utter insanity into something other than what it really is, is NOT representative of an entire nation. My hope is that those who have been our allies will know this. We are disgusted and ashamed of the incoming incompetence.
We cannot back down even if the feeling is to do so. The American way of life has been honed and improved far too long to give up on a plan our founding father’s generated. It is hard to hear of ignorant posts on Truth Social and the whitewashing done by corporate press.
As I am writing this I just see President Carter has passed away. What a gracious man who taught the world humility and humanism of freedom. I hate to mix his legacy with the previous comments about the leadership embarrassment we are about to suffer.
It’s true, the embarrassment is very prevalent having been traveling In Europe of late. Friends and people have asked”what’s going on over there, WTF”? The simple answer is an amalgamation of ignorant sheeple who have been driven astray by hook or crook, and a political party that is afraid to stand up to a bully. Thus, the political pig sty that has penned us in amongst a brainwashed society of bravado over bravery. Eventually the fences will wither and greener pastures will prevail with a beacon on the hill once again. A house of cards built on lies and fear will not stand for long in a principled society that has always been admired for its inclusivity.
I appreciate your optimism, since I, too, am trying to be optimistic. I never thought I’d need the Serenity Prayer, but now I say it every morning. I’m just waiting for God to show me what things I can change at 81 with limited income. Anger is self destructive.
Thanks for this very honest description on how you are feeling these days. I am encouraged that you are choosing to stay put to bring your wisdom and truth to the situation in America as it is unfolding in so many regressive ways. I would say that you are welcome in Canada which feels relatively safe and friendly these days however we are also in the grip of fear as your future President threatens us verbally to become your newest State! who would have thought? I have faith that the wise and compassionate people of America and the world will continue to keep your country on the right path - the hope of Christmas.
Although his election was unimaginable to most of us, the majority of those who voted in November did not vote for him. We have a lot of people thinking the way we do - (loved Freaked-Out and Facepalmed). It hurts to see the country that was always the greatest in the world in every measure for most of my life (born in the 50s) but our democratic ideals will win out and we will correct the things that need to be corrected and be vigilant for anything like this ever happening again.
It really has been a daily struggle since Nov 5th when the unthinkable happened, hasn't it? Thank you John for capturing the pain, sorrow and embarrassment. I'm still in the grief stages, all of them at once it seems, and looking forward to the day when the ground stops moving. Appreciate everyone here and on other comment pages who remind us everyday that we are not alone.
Well said.
I'm not going anywhere...as tempting as it may be.
John Pavlovitz, you nailed it again. I have found Robert Reich’s newsletter today: “What are they really seeking?” A very helpful companion to your letter today. Check it out on substack. We need to understand what we are up against. Understand the potential gaslighting language and old definitions that we need to not get tripped up by as we decide our forward actions. We need to understand what these Robber Barrons 2.0 really are angling for. We need to know this for ourselves, AND for others who are not ready to reengage with politics/“news” yet. We need to be there to help foster understanding, encourage effective action when they are ready and curious. John, you are here for us. And We need to pass the baton along in our own spheres of friends and influence.
What a beautiful essay. Thanks for posting it. As I write this note I am in Canada (Vancouver BC) for several months making a plan with my family to move here if they will even let Americans in. I wouldn't blame them if they don't. The people in Vancouver are warm, friendly and helpful. No school shootings and no guns. I've been here now a total of 3 months (one month last year, two months this year), and I have not seen a police car or cop anywhere - even in the neighborhood with a lot of homeless people. After the situation in Gaza and so many other places in the world, I have started to feel like my taxes are funding crimes against humanity especially in Gaza.
meee tooo!