Wow, thank you for all these heartfelt, honest comments. It's clear we're all dealing with this at some level.
One thing I failed to mention in the piece: these separations may not be permanent but they could prove to become so. But presently, for your own mental, physical, emotional health you may need to take these steps.
You may also need to do this so that you can better press into more healthy community and into your activism on behalf of others.
And regardless, these disconnections do not have to come with malice or hatred, they can simply be clear, sober decisions we make to find some peace, and as acts of self-preservations.
I am so heartbroken by my own wife. She refuses to see what is happening. I have spent days and days trying to convince her how evil and wrong the people in charge are. I can't cut ties with my wife but I will continue to love her and hope one day she will see what is or has happened to this nation. Love your work John.
I have a sister and several relatives to whom I used to be close who are like this: they are evangelical Christians who literally worship Donald Trump and to them, the “problem” is that I need to get on the Trump train, NOW. I refuse. Trump has a startling similarity to the traits of the AntiChrist described in the Revelation to John.
I’ve gone VLC with them. If they ever want to “discuss”, as opposed to “dictate”, the door is open.
I know some pretty extreme right-wing evangelical Christians through a couple of regional and state groups for adoptive families/parents. One family I know is easy to recognize at adoption events because they have a very large blended family of their birth kids and adopted kids and all of their kids are white. O.K, white kids in foster care also need foster parents. If those kids can't be reunited with their birth family, it's usually a good thing for them to have adoptive parents and live as a family, hopefully without addiction, neglect, mental illness, or abuse (these are the common reasons for children being removed from their parent(s)' custody and put in foster care).
I'm a partially lapsed Christian, but I still love the teachings of Jesus. He life and message of love and peace are encouraging. What His life and his example has to do with the Old Testament isn't very clear to me. My understanding is that Jesus came to Earth in human form to offer a corrective messenger, embodying the love of God over His vengeance. But what I can't understand about American Christians (especially Protestants) is how so many people who call themselves Christians embrace the hateful politics of Trump. And how can they abide by him knowing nothing about Christianity (or religion in general), being a selfish jerk, a racist and a sexist, all the while trying to pass as a Christian.
I'm an adoptive parent, and I've made friends with other adoptive parents, some of them parenting kids with disabilities (often Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorders or FASD, which is brain damage caused by prenatal exposure to alcohol). Even neurotypical adoptees can have challenges from the deep, usually unconscious pain of losing their birth mother, even if they never stayed with her.
Several years ago, my kids and I went to San Francisco to attend a life celebration for my beautiful, warm, funny nephew who had died of a particularly cruel cancer called desmoplastic small round cell tumor (DSRCT). It's an extremely rare and aggressive sarcoma of the soft tissues that affects adolescents and young adults, mostly males. The survival rate is almost nil, but my nephew opted for surety and all treatments, some of them experimental, and which might have bought him an extra six months. He was a wonderful, warm person who loved life, his family, his partner, and living in San Francisco.
I introduced the idea of not having a funeral, but having a gathering in a place our loved one enjoyed, and having friends and family members speak. For my nephew, we gathered at the Presidio to have a showing of my nephew's photography and for family and friends to share their memories of him.
A couple of weeks after we got back from California, my daughters went to church with our Christian friends-through-adoption and we joined them all for lunch and to visit while our kids had fun running around their big yard, jumping on the trampoline, and generally getting . When the putative patriarch of the family got a few minutes alone with me, he offered his condolences on the loss of my nephew, but pointed out to me that my nephew had gone to hell because he was gay. This "Christian" patriarch had two children with women he didn't marry before he saw the light, joined a church, got married, and had a lot of children with his wife. Somehow, in his reading of the Bible, sex outside of marriage and having children with people who aren't one's spouse is a lesser sin than being born gay. I beg to differ and I disconnected from that family because of their unchristian beliefs. I'm pretty sure that they'd be Trump supporters because he also likes to tell people what not to do while he commits adultery, assault by proxy, and is generally a very bad human.
My point in this long story, is that hatred and uncalled for judgement is poisonous to relationships, keeps us from knowing people who are different from us, and is downright unchristian.
My heart goes out to you. I know others who struggle with the same dilemma with a spouse. One individual would endure as best they could at home, then come to work and cry. May you find a safe space in your life that affords you some semblance of peace.
Unfortunately, what you're going through is breaking up marriages and relationships all over the country. Many are finding that they never really knew the person they married. 😔
My husband is a good person, but after 10 years of him supporting Trump while I tried to figure out why... How do you live with your wife peacefully? I feel disingenuous when I can't discuss very important, life-altering situations with him.
You're not alone. My husband and son voted for the felon. I try and try to get them to pay attention and understand that what's happening now affects them negatively regardless of how they voted. Crickets. It's so so frustrating! Cherie Haas I feel the same. 😢
I do it anyway. If I see the other person is stoney in their stance, I shut it down, sometimes I've had to be quite rude! Mainly when I've said "No" and my voice goes unheeded.
I jumped the train far earlier than most folks with many family members and friends. It started when they put a confederate flag in their yard and we don’t even live in the south. Next they believed the Covid vaccine contained a tracking device and thought wearing a mask was useless. They voted for trump the first time and again in 2020. I have no idea how they felt about the insurrection because I haven’t spoke to them since mid 2020. However, I am quite sure they voted for him in 2024. These were close family members and friends most who claim to be Christians and attend church every time the door is open. I just couldn’t do it any more. I have no regrets.
I would do the same. But I'm sorry that you have lost your family and hope that at least some of them will notice the wrecking ball with which Trump is dismantling important agencies and alienating large groups of people.
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how hard that is. My husband and I see eye to eye on most everything political, although I'm certainly more outspoken about it.
My heart aches for you..I can't even imagine how difficult it must be to love and live each day with a spouse who doesn't recognize that the amoral and depraved individuals who are currently in charge are literally destroying our country. I pray that one day soon your wife will discover the truth, realize that she was so very wrong, and will be forever grateful that you chose to stand by her. May God bless and keep you.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. These are the days that we will prove our strength when we stand for what's right. WE are on the right side of history!
I am in the same boat with my older brother. It is extraordinarily painful trying to deal with the political void between us. I can only hope that, as the quality of life and business deteriorate, he will realize how very wrong he was to have supported Trump.
For me it’s my husband. 41yrs of marriage, he is almost my everything.
While I convinced him to vote for Harris/Waltz, I can’t convince him to join the fight.
He seems to think that he did the right thing and he doesn’t need to do anymore.
I’m confused, he is the man that helps everyone all the time.
He’ll help neighbors and friends to fix their fence, unclog their sink, stop the toilet from running, etc…
He’s coached baseball and softball teams, at one point he was the cul-de-sac dad, throwing a ball, playing basketball or kickball. If kids were outside playing he joined them.
Last weekend he gave away our old full mattress set, including frame, headboard and footboard to a neighbor.
He stayed to help put it back together.
He is a good man.
He spent his entire life serving the country. 21yrs in the Army, then 20 years with the local Sheriff’s department.
Maybe I’m asking too much. I know he’s depressed and I’m sad.
I feel for you Julie. I wish people could see the things that we see. I don't know what to do to make people understand what is happening. I don't know if it's stubbornness to admit that you were wrong. Or maybe it's just the constant affirming information from right-wing discussions online and on television. I wish I had a better answer.
Only thing I know is reading up on communication skills. How to recognize propaganda. How cults work. The insight helps protect your own heart and mind.
Funny you should mention 30 years. My wife and I have also been together for 30 years and after all this time I am so floored that we can be so opposite on this topic. I have never ever been so polar opposite of her on anything else that we have disagreed on.
This situation is an exposure of cruelty in the hearts of many. It also is an exposure of wishful thinking and being duped by a Con. There's something they want to believe SO BADLY that they are quite literally blind to anything else.
I feel for you. I am in the same position as glad. You are not alone. I know how hard it is to make sense of staying, but this is what I have chosen to do too. Take care.
I was thinking about this before I read your post. I thought about the people I’ve lost touch with over the years. I realized that I don’t have any Republican friends anymore and I was able to ghost my Trumpie cousins without a second thought beyond “thanks for the memories”. I have plenty of Trump supporting acquaintances and neighbors who I try to avoid, but no friends. Then it hit me. Friendship and love require trust. I can’t trust people who put their trust in this filth. Therefore, we can’t be friends.
Exactly. I simply no longer want to associate with people who don't share my moral sense. It's not like I'm trying to be better than anyone else - it's simply understanding the most basic principles of knowing good from evil.
Sadly, that's my thought, too. I've seen so many people I thought I knew well end up spiteful and hateful. Propaganda works. Blood isn't thicker than water in cases like this. My only sister disowned me a long time ago over religion and politics. She got so hateful that I couldn't deal with her anyway.
I’ve come to the same conclusion. I left my church after the election because so many of my so called friends voted for this. I’ve tried to reason with people, but have come to the conclusion that, just as those caught up in a cult, they are essentially brainwashed. Cutting ties has felt freeing and is allowing me to use my energy to fight back against this evil
I, too, left my church when I realized my best friend, a woman I'd shared my heart and a lot of work with , had caved to racism and voted for the felon out of fear of the prosecutor's gender and race. Her kids had convinced her. I was no match for that cabal nor for the rest of the privileged old white folks.
I was fortunate. I found another church in which the pastor turned out to be making a rainbow-backed sign saying "Safe Space" to post in the building.
“They weren’t manipulated by him, they were empowered by him.
In so many cases, he didn’t poison their hearts, he reflected them.
They didn’t get fooled by a bigot, they got freed by one.”
It’s difficult to accept this, but it’s true, and they’re not going to change. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the Republicans. It’s frightening. I’ve given up thinking that eventually something will snap and they’ll finally have had enough, but they’ve NOT had enough.
Take a longer view. This has been a long time coming. Ask any black or hispanic person, or 'woke' female person. And yet, we have survived, and made progress. Keep on keeping on.
ARGHHhhhhh John, you are hitting me where it hurts this morning with this essay.
I am so extremely fortunate that my family, except for a cousin I do not see that often, are all never trump supporters. Myself and my immediate family are all negatively impacted by all that is going on, and the surprise of the Musk Coup, and two of my children and their spouses are making a Plan B to actually leave the country. My middle daughter and her husband applying for irish citizenship. Her father-in-law came from Ireland when he was 15. She has severe pre existing health conditions as does her daughter my grandaughter , who has also come out as gay, and she and her husband are public school teachers and principal. My youngest daughter and her wife are also making a Plan B to go to Canada. My daughter is a chef and can work anywhere and her wife works remotely for a Canadian Company. My oldest daughter, also a public school administrator and special education coordinate, and her husband who left a high paying job to go back to college for a social work degree, have no Plan B, nor do I.
And here is my delima about saying goodbye to trump voters. I am dependent on Social Security and Medicare. I also get alimony from my ex, and I know it comes out of his social security. I also work two and a half days a week for a small family company that are trump supporters. Yeah. They pay me in cash and the work requires just answering telephones and making appointments for their dumpster delivery and landscaping. I need the money from this job to survive. My social security and alimony cover my rent, and bills, the cash covers my groceries and other life sundries like haircuts, presents and occasional lunch out with friends.
I am 76 years old and finding another job is almost unthinkable. So I have danced around the trump issues for the two years I have worked there. They know how I feel and have also danced around me when any issues come up. They are not bad people. I went to school with the mother and father, and the son who is my actual boss, is generous and great with me. I know this is a long post, but I wrestle with this issue daily. Or at least the days I have to go to work. I am in the office alone but usually speak to them by phone when i am there. It all sucks, but... and aren't Buts always there; I need this source of income.
So sadly I will continue my survival dance until possibly something happens that makes me leave. I am hoping that the current illegal and unconstitutional coup by unelected Musk will open their eyes and a path to conversation, that I am ready to have. They also own an apartment building (where the office is) that is all Section 8 rentals, so I imagine they will be effected there.
I didn't mean this to be so long... I guess I needed to let the fear and indecision out. Thanks to whoever took the time to read. It's nice to feel in a safe place these days. Thank you all.
Each of us has to do what we think is best for us, given our financial situation. Self-care had to come first. That is not being "selfish" - it's being sensible. "You never know what the tide is going to bring in." We know what the despot and his funders and minions have in mind, but others may be persuaded yet. Especially when it hits their pocketbook - like the Section 8 subsidies not being paid? I just hope they don't throw people out into the streets because of it. (In which case, you know they are evil as well!) The despot has warned all his cult that "things will be hard" but how hard for how long might convince them to jump ship? Stay your goo's course taking care of your family, and know you are not alone! Not by a long shot!
I am with your daughter. I recently learned that I've been a British subject my entire life. I've applied for a passport. Even though the UK isn't all that much better than that US at the moment, it at least gives us (me, my husband, and my queer daughter) a jumping off point. It'll be the last resort exit plan.
This sharing is sad and true for me at this time. I can no longer expect that we will come together and agree to be a nation of democracy and freedom for all, primarily because our current administration and many others are not desiring that same thing. It has been the very most difficult truth to realize that, and to come to accept that I cannot will others to care for its people, the earth, and all of creation in a decent, moral, just, or caring way.
No longer will I let anyone “off the hook” for their blatant ignorance….because if they aren’t aware of this “depraved cruelty” that is becoming so pervasive, that is on them, and no longer do these folks get a pass!
If presenting the hurt and damage done to others doesn't work to convince them to change their opinion and support- that (to me) is a sign of clear acceptance of the barbaric methods used to hurt others. This should be the time you clearly draw a line and let your loved ones know that you will hold them equally responsible for all the hurt and damage that's being done.
Bystanders are equally responsible as the aggressors (not to talk about the enablers).
There is no grey line where people can withdraw and pretend they are not picking up fights... not when it comes to human rights and respect towards each other.
I live in Republican territory. I just avoid discussions about politics and come to forums like this to discuss what I think and believe - Trump is evil and it hurts to see him in control again with his unelected henchman Elon Musk doing his bidding...or is it the other way around. I don't put bumper stickers on my car during election time - not a big deal but I don't want my car keyed - yes it happens but not to me. I keep silent but I do some volunteer work for the Dem party but not door to door. Does it bother me - not really as I have friends who are rock ribbed Dems and have no regard for Trump at all. However, they live downstate where I am originally from. Yet the people here are kind, helpful when you need it. Do I get the disconnect between that and their Trump beliefs no it makes no sense. I just learned to adapt but kept my beliefs.
We live in Hawley's district, "evangelical central." Service people talk to us like everyone loves Trump and MAGA. We don't put anything but dog-related stickers on our cars. We are afraid to put up yard signs. We avoid religious and political conversations except for with a few trusted friends. I left all social media except for BlueSky a few months ago over concern for our safety. I never thought I'd be afraid of my own government and other citizens.
Reminds me of my realization that I needed to get a divorce. I am in no way suggesting that for anyone here who is struggling due to a spouse or partner who feels differently. I am only thinking of it in terms of the fact that we have no control over another human being and their actions, but if their actions do not align with our values, deepest truths, and is impacting our mental well-being to an extent that we are not able to stand up for ourselves, our truth, the marginalized, the oppressed, and on and on, where does that leave us? Personally, when I realized it was time to let my spouse go live his life, be who he’s meant to be, etc. so that I could fulfill my own purpose and potential. It was liberating! We only have so much time and energy while we’re here, rather than spending that energy on trying to change someone else, spend that energy lifting up, supporting and rising others, ourselves included!
I am wrestling with this and vacillate between loving a Trump-supporting family member and wanting to cut off ties. Rarely do my words penetrate the cult mind...but occasionally they do penetrate. He's in a cult and is abandonment the right thing? Is he redeemable? I guess I am not beyond all hope for this person...but I can't guarantee how long that hope will last.
There is such a thing as loving and letting go, by which I mean letting go of the timetable, the insistence that others see things as we do immediately. The ignorant and the vile have always been among us. Call a spade a spade, embody your values, and keep on keeping on.
Cheryl, I’m in a similar situation and you are right, our loved ones are in a cult. I’ve cut many acquaintances and distant relatives out of my life, however, not all T supporters are extremists. They are misinformed and while they do not agree with all that he is doing, still hope in him. This is the case with my loved one. There is no easy answer or solution. Relentless love calls us to love and sometimes that means loving both those in harms way and someone whose beliefs enable the harm to exist. It is incredibly difficult!
Brenda - that's what I keep coming back to. I am called to love unconditionally. Which does not mean I agree or condone or enable. I am trying to parse out accepting people I love for who they have shown themselves to be. It's not my job to change them; it's my job to accept them as they are. That's the hard part for me. Drawing a line between being clear I do not accept them, but I will always continue to love and hope for the best for them. The despicables in the despot's camp - not so much.
The two people I really tried to stop voting for dt a friend and a sister are now speaking a different tune but once again too little too late. I'm in my 70's live alone and am disabled so I spend a very large part of my life in prayer. I was watching the Voice and a contestant was with his father who had spent three days and two nights On a raft From Cuba to get to freedom ( there's a picture of them hanging on to the small raft!!) and the father broke down in tears And So Did I-- my heart broke for the bravery of the men just trying to get a better life - floating in open waters where they could have died - WHY IN THE WORLD IS DT TRYING TO HARM THESE PEOPLE??!! NOT every immigrant is a criminal - what's really criminal in the sight of the Lord Jesus is what prideful people who are trying to hide behind the Name of the Lord ( they have NO idea who Christ really is) are doing to the least of these. As I sat in my tears I also thought about the LGBTQ people and cried again. Every single one of us - was fashioned and formed in our mother's womb. Jesus and the Father created every strand of hair on every single one of our heads ( try to take that miracle in for a moment -- you can't and won't ever be able to comprehend the enormity of THAT!!) WE are created in the image of God and not just some of us -ALL of us. So how then can we decide to just cast any one of us away? And I'm not talking about toxic relationships we need to separate from for our own safety or sanity. I'm specifically thinking about what our government is doing to people who have done nothing wrong. And also knowing who Christ really is - I must also pray for dt, musk, Putin, and all cruel dictator type of government leaders. We are to pray for our enemies - pray for those who persecute us and despitefully use us. That's a very tall order sometimes to be sure! Since God's thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways are higher than our ways - HE has a purpose for all of this - but in my little corner of the world - and in my finite state of being - ALL I can do is pray and wait for the glory of the Lord to be revealed. And have a super blessed day in Jesus Name!
Thank you Denise for writing this. I agree with you fully. I dont want to be a pacifist or give evil a pass but I do want to walk humbly with our God and give Him the benefit of the doubt. I believe there is a cleansing happening in the kingdom of God and the evil has come out in the open and fully exposed. People now have the opportunity to see the evil and repent or be consumed by it. Evil begets evil, they will consume and turn on each other in due time.
Yes! I am 60 and a person of great faith and with active prayer and meditation. I also live alone. I have realized in myself that dark people drain my goodness, my light, my peace. I become fearful, very depressed and with thoughts of suicide when I do not protect myself carefully. This past week was one of the dark times but after mass last night, reconciliation, and grace being poured out to me from a few people, today I’m in an enlightened state. Darkness around me was snuffed out.
I have verbally whispered ‘Satan get behind me!’ in the presence of some people. And in my dreams at night have seen myself screaming ‘Jesus!’ over and over and the danger passing.
We are definitely in a battle of dark vs light and must stay vigilant.
I will certainly be praying for you with this. Jesus has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, Love and a sound mind. We are hidden in Christ Jesus and we are IN this world But we are not OF this world. And please be encouraged. I have read the back of the book and WE WIN!! Love prayers and blessings for you in Jesus Name 🙏🏿🙏🙏🏻🙏🏼🙏🏽🙏🏾❤️🤗
I'm sharing this newsletter in my own newsletter coming later today. I have cut every person who voted for this from my life. I don't regret it.
We are not obligated to have relationships with people simply because we share their blood or have a long history. Every one of these people chose politics over humanity and over me.
Only people who deserve to be in my life will be allowed there going forward.
I have been severing ties with friends who support the current president for several years now. It's harder for family, of course, but the bottom line is a shared sense of morals. My parents raised me to be the accepting, loving person I have tried to be my entire life. It was shocking to me decades ago to find out that some of my favorite relatives were racist. My mother was not afraid to stand up to them, and I praise her for that.
It has not been difficult to separate myself from family members who condemned me for being gay. After spending a lifetime getting to a point where I could accept myself, I wasn't about to let that happen to me, although it took me longer than I would have liked. It took a long time because family was more important than anything else to my mother. I kept thinking people could change for the better.
Waking up the day after the election to discover that millions of people weren't any more compassionate, less racist, or any wiser from experience than the first two times they voted for him was devastating. I thought there was no way it could happen, but it did.
I've been insulating myself from friends and the family members who I know voted for him, but the time will come soon enough when I'll be faced with the decision of whether or not to speak the truth to them. I hope by then, I'll be strong enough to do it.
My mom is in the cult. I was raised by her and my father to be everything the orange felon isn't. And as a gay man, I'm devastated she would support such horrid people and measures so plainly talked about in the election. However, I don't feel guilty. I have to focus my energy and light on those who understand the value of diversity and helping those with less.
Wow, thank you for all these heartfelt, honest comments. It's clear we're all dealing with this at some level.
One thing I failed to mention in the piece: these separations may not be permanent but they could prove to become so. But presently, for your own mental, physical, emotional health you may need to take these steps.
You may also need to do this so that you can better press into more healthy community and into your activism on behalf of others.
And regardless, these disconnections do not have to come with malice or hatred, they can simply be clear, sober decisions we make to find some peace, and as acts of self-preservations.
Thanks again for the thoughtful responses.
I am so heartbroken by my own wife. She refuses to see what is happening. I have spent days and days trying to convince her how evil and wrong the people in charge are. I can't cut ties with my wife but I will continue to love her and hope one day she will see what is or has happened to this nation. Love your work John.
I have a sister and several relatives to whom I used to be close who are like this: they are evangelical Christians who literally worship Donald Trump and to them, the “problem” is that I need to get on the Trump train, NOW. I refuse. Trump has a startling similarity to the traits of the AntiChrist described in the Revelation to John.
I’ve gone VLC with them. If they ever want to “discuss”, as opposed to “dictate”, the door is open.
I feel for you my friend. I just hope things change swiftly and painlessly as possible.
I know some pretty extreme right-wing evangelical Christians through a couple of regional and state groups for adoptive families/parents. One family I know is easy to recognize at adoption events because they have a very large blended family of their birth kids and adopted kids and all of their kids are white. O.K, white kids in foster care also need foster parents. If those kids can't be reunited with their birth family, it's usually a good thing for them to have adoptive parents and live as a family, hopefully without addiction, neglect, mental illness, or abuse (these are the common reasons for children being removed from their parent(s)' custody and put in foster care).
I'm a partially lapsed Christian, but I still love the teachings of Jesus. He life and message of love and peace are encouraging. What His life and his example has to do with the Old Testament isn't very clear to me. My understanding is that Jesus came to Earth in human form to offer a corrective messenger, embodying the love of God over His vengeance. But what I can't understand about American Christians (especially Protestants) is how so many people who call themselves Christians embrace the hateful politics of Trump. And how can they abide by him knowing nothing about Christianity (or religion in general), being a selfish jerk, a racist and a sexist, all the while trying to pass as a Christian.
I'm an adoptive parent, and I've made friends with other adoptive parents, some of them parenting kids with disabilities (often Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorders or FASD, which is brain damage caused by prenatal exposure to alcohol). Even neurotypical adoptees can have challenges from the deep, usually unconscious pain of losing their birth mother, even if they never stayed with her.
Several years ago, my kids and I went to San Francisco to attend a life celebration for my beautiful, warm, funny nephew who had died of a particularly cruel cancer called desmoplastic small round cell tumor (DSRCT). It's an extremely rare and aggressive sarcoma of the soft tissues that affects adolescents and young adults, mostly males. The survival rate is almost nil, but my nephew opted for surety and all treatments, some of them experimental, and which might have bought him an extra six months. He was a wonderful, warm person who loved life, his family, his partner, and living in San Francisco.
I introduced the idea of not having a funeral, but having a gathering in a place our loved one enjoyed, and having friends and family members speak. For my nephew, we gathered at the Presidio to have a showing of my nephew's photography and for family and friends to share their memories of him.
A couple of weeks after we got back from California, my daughters went to church with our Christian friends-through-adoption and we joined them all for lunch and to visit while our kids had fun running around their big yard, jumping on the trampoline, and generally getting . When the putative patriarch of the family got a few minutes alone with me, he offered his condolences on the loss of my nephew, but pointed out to me that my nephew had gone to hell because he was gay. This "Christian" patriarch had two children with women he didn't marry before he saw the light, joined a church, got married, and had a lot of children with his wife. Somehow, in his reading of the Bible, sex outside of marriage and having children with people who aren't one's spouse is a lesser sin than being born gay. I beg to differ and I disconnected from that family because of their unchristian beliefs. I'm pretty sure that they'd be Trump supporters because he also likes to tell people what not to do while he commits adultery, assault by proxy, and is generally a very bad human.
My point in this long story, is that hatred and uncalled for judgement is poisonous to relationships, keeps us from knowing people who are different from us, and is downright unchristian.
I'm so sorry. As someone who has lost numerous family members and friends to this cult, I know how painful this is. Solidarity and strength to you.
Thank you and I have loved your substack by the way.
I have not realized it IS a cult. And its members are involved in a coup.
Yes. A cult. Look up how a cult works.
My heart goes out to you. I know others who struggle with the same dilemma with a spouse. One individual would endure as best they could at home, then come to work and cry. May you find a safe space in your life that affords you some semblance of peace.
Thanks so much for your kind words. Hopefully she will see what's happening someday soon.
If your "spouse" has no regard or respect for you and your beliefs, are they really a life partner?
Unfortunately, what you're going through is breaking up marriages and relationships all over the country. Many are finding that they never really knew the person they married. 😔
My husband is a good person, but after 10 years of him supporting Trump while I tried to figure out why... How do you live with your wife peacefully? I feel disingenuous when I can't discuss very important, life-altering situations with him.
It is not easy and there is always tension. It's really been quite difficult at times to keep the peace.
You're not alone. My husband and son voted for the felon. I try and try to get them to pay attention and understand that what's happening now affects them negatively regardless of how they voted. Crickets. It's so so frustrating! Cherie Haas I feel the same. 😢
I can definitely relate! We have to avoid political topics most of the time, but that’s hard when life is so political.
I do it anyway. If I see the other person is stoney in their stance, I shut it down, sometimes I've had to be quite rude! Mainly when I've said "No" and my voice goes unheeded.
I am so sorry. Much love to you as you struggle with this.
Thank you so much
I jumped the train far earlier than most folks with many family members and friends. It started when they put a confederate flag in their yard and we don’t even live in the south. Next they believed the Covid vaccine contained a tracking device and thought wearing a mask was useless. They voted for trump the first time and again in 2020. I have no idea how they felt about the insurrection because I haven’t spoke to them since mid 2020. However, I am quite sure they voted for him in 2024. These were close family members and friends most who claim to be Christians and attend church every time the door is open. I just couldn’t do it any more. I have no regrets.
Thank you for sharing that with me Carol. I am floored by people who deny 1/6. It's just so disheartening that I can't even convince my own wife.
I would do the same. But I'm sorry that you have lost your family and hope that at least some of them will notice the wrecking ball with which Trump is dismantling important agencies and alienating large groups of people.
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how hard that is. My husband and I see eye to eye on most everything political, although I'm certainly more outspoken about it.
Thanks so much
My heart aches for you..I can't even imagine how difficult it must be to love and live each day with a spouse who doesn't recognize that the amoral and depraved individuals who are currently in charge are literally destroying our country. I pray that one day soon your wife will discover the truth, realize that she was so very wrong, and will be forever grateful that you chose to stand by her. May God bless and keep you.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. These are the days that we will prove our strength when we stand for what's right. WE are on the right side of history!
I am in the same boat with my older brother. It is extraordinarily painful trying to deal with the political void between us. I can only hope that, as the quality of life and business deteriorate, he will realize how very wrong he was to have supported Trump.
I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to keep the peace. So I always need to be very judicious about what we talk about.
For me it’s my husband. 41yrs of marriage, he is almost my everything.
While I convinced him to vote for Harris/Waltz, I can’t convince him to join the fight.
He seems to think that he did the right thing and he doesn’t need to do anymore.
I’m confused, he is the man that helps everyone all the time.
He’ll help neighbors and friends to fix their fence, unclog their sink, stop the toilet from running, etc…
He’s coached baseball and softball teams, at one point he was the cul-de-sac dad, throwing a ball, playing basketball or kickball. If kids were outside playing he joined them.
Last weekend he gave away our old full mattress set, including frame, headboard and footboard to a neighbor.
He stayed to help put it back together.
He is a good man.
He spent his entire life serving the country. 21yrs in the Army, then 20 years with the local Sheriff’s department.
Maybe I’m asking too much. I know he’s depressed and I’m sad.
I feel for you Julie. I wish people could see the things that we see. I don't know what to do to make people understand what is happening. I don't know if it's stubbornness to admit that you were wrong. Or maybe it's just the constant affirming information from right-wing discussions online and on television. I wish I had a better answer.
Only thing I know is reading up on communication skills. How to recognize propaganda. How cults work. The insight helps protect your own heart and mind.
I cannot imagine how your heart aches as you write this. Our spouses, families are a piece of our hearts. I will keep you and yours in my prayers. 🙏🦋
Thanks you so much 💓
My husband. same problem. Turns into screaming fights. Been together 30 years. I don't understand him
Funny you should mention 30 years. My wife and I have also been together for 30 years and after all this time I am so floored that we can be so opposite on this topic. I have never ever been so polar opposite of her on anything else that we have disagreed on.
This situation is an exposure of cruelty in the hearts of many. It also is an exposure of wishful thinking and being duped by a Con. There's something they want to believe SO BADLY that they are quite literally blind to anything else.
I feel for you. I am in the same position as glad. You are not alone. I know how hard it is to make sense of staying, but this is what I have chosen to do too. Take care.
Thank you my friend
I was thinking about this before I read your post. I thought about the people I’ve lost touch with over the years. I realized that I don’t have any Republican friends anymore and I was able to ghost my Trumpie cousins without a second thought beyond “thanks for the memories”. I have plenty of Trump supporting acquaintances and neighbors who I try to avoid, but no friends. Then it hit me. Friendship and love require trust. I can’t trust people who put their trust in this filth. Therefore, we can’t be friends.
Exactly. I simply no longer want to associate with people who don't share my moral sense. It's not like I'm trying to be better than anyone else - it's simply understanding the most basic principles of knowing good from evil.
Sadly, that's my thought, too. I've seen so many people I thought I knew well end up spiteful and hateful. Propaganda works. Blood isn't thicker than water in cases like this. My only sister disowned me a long time ago over religion and politics. She got so hateful that I couldn't deal with her anyway.
EXACTLY. That’s exactly it. We can’t trust anyone who is on board with Trumpika.
I share this stance with you wholeheartedly.
I’ve come to the same conclusion. I left my church after the election because so many of my so called friends voted for this. I’ve tried to reason with people, but have come to the conclusion that, just as those caught up in a cult, they are essentially brainwashed. Cutting ties has felt freeing and is allowing me to use my energy to fight back against this evil
I, too, left my church when I realized my best friend, a woman I'd shared my heart and a lot of work with , had caved to racism and voted for the felon out of fear of the prosecutor's gender and race. Her kids had convinced her. I was no match for that cabal nor for the rest of the privileged old white folks.
I was fortunate. I found another church in which the pastor turned out to be making a rainbow-backed sign saying "Safe Space" to post in the building.
“They weren’t manipulated by him, they were empowered by him.
In so many cases, he didn’t poison their hearts, he reflected them.
They didn’t get fooled by a bigot, they got freed by one.”
It’s difficult to accept this, but it’s true, and they’re not going to change. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the Republicans. It’s frightening. I’ve given up thinking that eventually something will snap and they’ll finally have had enough, but they’ve NOT had enough.
Take a longer view. This has been a long time coming. Ask any black or hispanic person, or 'woke' female person. And yet, we have survived, and made progress. Keep on keeping on.
Many in my are have never gotten past (in their words), the "war of Northern Aggression".
But! We shall overcome.
ARGHHhhhhh John, you are hitting me where it hurts this morning with this essay.
I am so extremely fortunate that my family, except for a cousin I do not see that often, are all never trump supporters. Myself and my immediate family are all negatively impacted by all that is going on, and the surprise of the Musk Coup, and two of my children and their spouses are making a Plan B to actually leave the country. My middle daughter and her husband applying for irish citizenship. Her father-in-law came from Ireland when he was 15. She has severe pre existing health conditions as does her daughter my grandaughter , who has also come out as gay, and she and her husband are public school teachers and principal. My youngest daughter and her wife are also making a Plan B to go to Canada. My daughter is a chef and can work anywhere and her wife works remotely for a Canadian Company. My oldest daughter, also a public school administrator and special education coordinate, and her husband who left a high paying job to go back to college for a social work degree, have no Plan B, nor do I.
And here is my delima about saying goodbye to trump voters. I am dependent on Social Security and Medicare. I also get alimony from my ex, and I know it comes out of his social security. I also work two and a half days a week for a small family company that are trump supporters. Yeah. They pay me in cash and the work requires just answering telephones and making appointments for their dumpster delivery and landscaping. I need the money from this job to survive. My social security and alimony cover my rent, and bills, the cash covers my groceries and other life sundries like haircuts, presents and occasional lunch out with friends.
I am 76 years old and finding another job is almost unthinkable. So I have danced around the trump issues for the two years I have worked there. They know how I feel and have also danced around me when any issues come up. They are not bad people. I went to school with the mother and father, and the son who is my actual boss, is generous and great with me. I know this is a long post, but I wrestle with this issue daily. Or at least the days I have to go to work. I am in the office alone but usually speak to them by phone when i am there. It all sucks, but... and aren't Buts always there; I need this source of income.
So sadly I will continue my survival dance until possibly something happens that makes me leave. I am hoping that the current illegal and unconstitutional coup by unelected Musk will open their eyes and a path to conversation, that I am ready to have. They also own an apartment building (where the office is) that is all Section 8 rentals, so I imagine they will be effected there.
I didn't mean this to be so long... I guess I needed to let the fear and indecision out. Thanks to whoever took the time to read. It's nice to feel in a safe place these days. Thank you all.
Each of us has to do what we think is best for us, given our financial situation. Self-care had to come first. That is not being "selfish" - it's being sensible. "You never know what the tide is going to bring in." We know what the despot and his funders and minions have in mind, but others may be persuaded yet. Especially when it hits their pocketbook - like the Section 8 subsidies not being paid? I just hope they don't throw people out into the streets because of it. (In which case, you know they are evil as well!) The despot has warned all his cult that "things will be hard" but how hard for how long might convince them to jump ship? Stay your goo's course taking care of your family, and know you are not alone! Not by a long shot!
I am with your daughter. I recently learned that I've been a British subject my entire life. I've applied for a passport. Even though the UK isn't all that much better than that US at the moment, it at least gives us (me, my husband, and my queer daughter) a jumping off point. It'll be the last resort exit plan.
This sharing is sad and true for me at this time. I can no longer expect that we will come together and agree to be a nation of democracy and freedom for all, primarily because our current administration and many others are not desiring that same thing. It has been the very most difficult truth to realize that, and to come to accept that I cannot will others to care for its people, the earth, and all of creation in a decent, moral, just, or caring way.
No longer will I let anyone “off the hook” for their blatant ignorance….because if they aren’t aware of this “depraved cruelty” that is becoming so pervasive, that is on them, and no longer do these folks get a pass!
If presenting the hurt and damage done to others doesn't work to convince them to change their opinion and support- that (to me) is a sign of clear acceptance of the barbaric methods used to hurt others. This should be the time you clearly draw a line and let your loved ones know that you will hold them equally responsible for all the hurt and damage that's being done.
Bystanders are equally responsible as the aggressors (not to talk about the enablers).
There is no grey line where people can withdraw and pretend they are not picking up fights... not when it comes to human rights and respect towards each other.
I live in Republican territory. I just avoid discussions about politics and come to forums like this to discuss what I think and believe - Trump is evil and it hurts to see him in control again with his unelected henchman Elon Musk doing his bidding...or is it the other way around. I don't put bumper stickers on my car during election time - not a big deal but I don't want my car keyed - yes it happens but not to me. I keep silent but I do some volunteer work for the Dem party but not door to door. Does it bother me - not really as I have friends who are rock ribbed Dems and have no regard for Trump at all. However, they live downstate where I am originally from. Yet the people here are kind, helpful when you need it. Do I get the disconnect between that and their Trump beliefs no it makes no sense. I just learned to adapt but kept my beliefs.
We live in Hawley's district, "evangelical central." Service people talk to us like everyone loves Trump and MAGA. We don't put anything but dog-related stickers on our cars. We are afraid to put up yard signs. We avoid religious and political conversations except for with a few trusted friends. I left all social media except for BlueSky a few months ago over concern for our safety. I never thought I'd be afraid of my own government and other citizens.
Reminds me of my realization that I needed to get a divorce. I am in no way suggesting that for anyone here who is struggling due to a spouse or partner who feels differently. I am only thinking of it in terms of the fact that we have no control over another human being and their actions, but if their actions do not align with our values, deepest truths, and is impacting our mental well-being to an extent that we are not able to stand up for ourselves, our truth, the marginalized, the oppressed, and on and on, where does that leave us? Personally, when I realized it was time to let my spouse go live his life, be who he’s meant to be, etc. so that I could fulfill my own purpose and potential. It was liberating! We only have so much time and energy while we’re here, rather than spending that energy on trying to change someone else, spend that energy lifting up, supporting and rising others, ourselves included!
After 10 years of considering the offer of an olive branch to supporters of this degenerate monster, I’m done.
Their love of cruelty, ignorance and hatred of democracy has created a barrier that I will honor for the rest of my life.
No conversations, no fraternization, no social media interaction, no recognition of their existence in any way is my new standard. Zero tolerance.
They are dead to me.
I am wrestling with this and vacillate between loving a Trump-supporting family member and wanting to cut off ties. Rarely do my words penetrate the cult mind...but occasionally they do penetrate. He's in a cult and is abandonment the right thing? Is he redeemable? I guess I am not beyond all hope for this person...but I can't guarantee how long that hope will last.
There is such a thing as loving and letting go, by which I mean letting go of the timetable, the insistence that others see things as we do immediately. The ignorant and the vile have always been among us. Call a spade a spade, embody your values, and keep on keeping on.
Cheryl, I’m in a similar situation and you are right, our loved ones are in a cult. I’ve cut many acquaintances and distant relatives out of my life, however, not all T supporters are extremists. They are misinformed and while they do not agree with all that he is doing, still hope in him. This is the case with my loved one. There is no easy answer or solution. Relentless love calls us to love and sometimes that means loving both those in harms way and someone whose beliefs enable the harm to exist. It is incredibly difficult!
Brenda - that's what I keep coming back to. I am called to love unconditionally. Which does not mean I agree or condone or enable. I am trying to parse out accepting people I love for who they have shown themselves to be. It's not my job to change them; it's my job to accept them as they are. That's the hard part for me. Drawing a line between being clear I do not accept them, but I will always continue to love and hope for the best for them. The despicables in the despot's camp - not so much.
The two people I really tried to stop voting for dt a friend and a sister are now speaking a different tune but once again too little too late. I'm in my 70's live alone and am disabled so I spend a very large part of my life in prayer. I was watching the Voice and a contestant was with his father who had spent three days and two nights On a raft From Cuba to get to freedom ( there's a picture of them hanging on to the small raft!!) and the father broke down in tears And So Did I-- my heart broke for the bravery of the men just trying to get a better life - floating in open waters where they could have died - WHY IN THE WORLD IS DT TRYING TO HARM THESE PEOPLE??!! NOT every immigrant is a criminal - what's really criminal in the sight of the Lord Jesus is what prideful people who are trying to hide behind the Name of the Lord ( they have NO idea who Christ really is) are doing to the least of these. As I sat in my tears I also thought about the LGBTQ people and cried again. Every single one of us - was fashioned and formed in our mother's womb. Jesus and the Father created every strand of hair on every single one of our heads ( try to take that miracle in for a moment -- you can't and won't ever be able to comprehend the enormity of THAT!!) WE are created in the image of God and not just some of us -ALL of us. So how then can we decide to just cast any one of us away? And I'm not talking about toxic relationships we need to separate from for our own safety or sanity. I'm specifically thinking about what our government is doing to people who have done nothing wrong. And also knowing who Christ really is - I must also pray for dt, musk, Putin, and all cruel dictator type of government leaders. We are to pray for our enemies - pray for those who persecute us and despitefully use us. That's a very tall order sometimes to be sure! Since God's thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways are higher than our ways - HE has a purpose for all of this - but in my little corner of the world - and in my finite state of being - ALL I can do is pray and wait for the glory of the Lord to be revealed. And have a super blessed day in Jesus Name!
You want to know why he’s targeting the vulnerable? Simple. It’s to his political advantage. He’s a sociopath, so it’s very easy for him to do.
Thank you Denise for writing this. I agree with you fully. I dont want to be a pacifist or give evil a pass but I do want to walk humbly with our God and give Him the benefit of the doubt. I believe there is a cleansing happening in the kingdom of God and the evil has come out in the open and fully exposed. People now have the opportunity to see the evil and repent or be consumed by it. Evil begets evil, they will consume and turn on each other in due time.
Yes! I am 60 and a person of great faith and with active prayer and meditation. I also live alone. I have realized in myself that dark people drain my goodness, my light, my peace. I become fearful, very depressed and with thoughts of suicide when I do not protect myself carefully. This past week was one of the dark times but after mass last night, reconciliation, and grace being poured out to me from a few people, today I’m in an enlightened state. Darkness around me was snuffed out.
I have verbally whispered ‘Satan get behind me!’ in the presence of some people. And in my dreams at night have seen myself screaming ‘Jesus!’ over and over and the danger passing.
We are definitely in a battle of dark vs light and must stay vigilant.
I will certainly be praying for you with this. Jesus has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, Love and a sound mind. We are hidden in Christ Jesus and we are IN this world But we are not OF this world. And please be encouraged. I have read the back of the book and WE WIN!! Love prayers and blessings for you in Jesus Name 🙏🏿🙏🙏🏻🙏🏼🙏🏽🙏🏾❤️🤗
Thank you. Very kind comment.
I'm sharing this newsletter in my own newsletter coming later today. I have cut every person who voted for this from my life. I don't regret it.
We are not obligated to have relationships with people simply because we share their blood or have a long history. Every one of these people chose politics over humanity and over me.
Only people who deserve to be in my life will be allowed there going forward.
I have been severing ties with friends who support the current president for several years now. It's harder for family, of course, but the bottom line is a shared sense of morals. My parents raised me to be the accepting, loving person I have tried to be my entire life. It was shocking to me decades ago to find out that some of my favorite relatives were racist. My mother was not afraid to stand up to them, and I praise her for that.
It has not been difficult to separate myself from family members who condemned me for being gay. After spending a lifetime getting to a point where I could accept myself, I wasn't about to let that happen to me, although it took me longer than I would have liked. It took a long time because family was more important than anything else to my mother. I kept thinking people could change for the better.
Waking up the day after the election to discover that millions of people weren't any more compassionate, less racist, or any wiser from experience than the first two times they voted for him was devastating. I thought there was no way it could happen, but it did.
I've been insulating myself from friends and the family members who I know voted for him, but the time will come soon enough when I'll be faced with the decision of whether or not to speak the truth to them. I hope by then, I'll be strong enough to do it.
My mom is in the cult. I was raised by her and my father to be everything the orange felon isn't. And as a gay man, I'm devastated she would support such horrid people and measures so plainly talked about in the election. However, I don't feel guilty. I have to focus my energy and light on those who understand the value of diversity and helping those with less.